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Trying to recover after the loss of my Wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by MarkM, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Another have to hear performance is David Phelps performing Janet’s and my favorite Christmas song “ O Holy Night” at a concert in Alabama with the Bill Gaither group. The pianist is awesome and David Phelps is superb.
    This is my all-time favorite version of this beautiful song.
    David Hughes likes this.
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Hi David
    You mentioned your enjoyment of violin music and I wondered if you had listened to Adagio For Strings by Samuel Barber? It was playing the day Janet was called home, right before I put on A Song For You performed by Donny Hathaway (which was playing when Janet passed).
    David Hughes likes this.
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    When music touches us, it reaches into our soul.

    Music can reach us when nothing else can, it speaks to us.

    The scenery selection is for Aesthetics.

    Lastly Bill, I have added this special song for you with the lyrics, I hope you enjoy them all.

    Peace be with you tonight Bill, for those we have left behind in our future we will once again, be among those we have loved and lost.

    Billfromwa likes this.
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Ainie, this is for you and the one you lost (Mike).
    ainie and Billfromwa like this.
  5. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Mark, yes to lose your soul mate with absolutely no warning is devastating, it doesn’t set in for a long time, I stayed in shock and lived in a fog for quite some time. Wanting Ron to just come home. Couldn’t eat or sleep. But I also can’t imagine watching your loved one suffer and fight for years, both devastating, just different. For two weeks, my daughter and I spent every night on my sectional couch and my son on an air mattress. We stayed together all day and all night. Was comforting having them so close, and who ever was crying a river would get support from the others. We were all in shock, they’re dad my husband was healthy and working just the day before.
    I agree you shouldn’t be even thinking of tasks you might be behind in, none of that is important right now. Just take care of you. That’s what is important.
    I see you spent time with her when she seemed to be coherent and able to tell her you loved her. That’s wonderful that you have that. My last wonderful memory of Ron was when the EMT’s had him on the gurney in our driveway waiting to be rolled into the ambulance, he yelled very loudly, “ I love you Robin”! He did that that 5 times! I’m lucky I have that memory since I couldn’t be with him as he passed. We’ve talked about that and he had told me if I’m ever unconscious, please talk to me, touch and hold me, I know you can bring me back. I dint get that chance but him yelling out in the world for e erroneous to hear his love for me is although bittersweet, also wonderful!
    My brother in law passed after a year and 3 months of suffering with glioblastoma, the night he passed, he woke his wife and he was having a terrible headache, he told her, I think this is it, I think I’m going tonight. He passed the next morning. They seem to know as their time gets close.
    I believe we will all be together with our loved ones once again.
    Take care, Robin
  7. MarkM

    MarkM Member

    Well, I was doing much better after I accepted the loss of Susie and saw it more as a blessing, then simply my loss.
    I had actually somewhat adjusted my life to being without her and even our little Pomeranian, Sadie seemed to settle down.
    For the last couple years she had suffered from collapsed trachea, but she was on meds to manage it and for the most part, she did fine.
    She couldn't run around like a puppy anymore, but at 10 years of age, I would expect her to slow down and the breathing difficulty required it.

    Over time the oral dose steroid she was taking began to stop having it's desired effect.
    We went from one half a pill every two days, down to one day, then twelve hours and then that wasn't even doing it.
    I had to rush her to the vet for an injection about three times over the last couple months, two of those being in the last two weeks.
    The last one had no effect at all.
    The last two weeks had been stressful on us both, with her coughing and when anything was wrong with Sadie, it hit me hard.

    Last Thursday and Friday she was having a lot of trouble throughout the day and I found myself giving her the steroid pills closer
    together than you're supposed to, but what was I to do?
    She was having trouble eating, and drinking would cause her to aspirate which only made things worse.
    I took this picture of her at work, showing her classic smile and in a moment of peace. This is her look of love.
    At one point in the day, she came over to me and did a little yip, looked up at me and I asked her what she wanted?
    She didn't want to go out and it wasn't about food, but she came closer and stepped on my shoe, then I knew it.
    She wanted up in my lap, so I obliged and loved on her for about 10 minutes. I almost think she knew what was coming.
    Friday night at about bedtime, she crashed hard and could not stop coughing. A couple times I thought she might stop breathing,
    so at 10pm, just three hours after the last dose, I gave her another pill. It was pretty much then that I realized we were at the end
    of our road together.
    The second pill quieted her down some, but she slept restlessly and I agonized all night knowing what I had to do the next morning.

    I called the Vet's office at 8am Saturday 6/13 and after speaking with the Vet, we both agreed, it was time.
    I had already been crying non-stop since we got up, but I gathered myself together and told Sadie, "let's take a ride" and she jumped right
    up as she always did. She loved to travel in the car and loved the cool breeze, so I drove with the windows down because it was perfect weather.

    She coughed horribly all the way there and at 9:30am Eastern, I said my last goodbyes to my littlest girl and I told her to go to Momma.
    She suffers no more, but now, I am truly alone. I have cried so much my head hurts and I decided to take Tomorrow off.
    I made a little photo tribute to her on Facebook to Todd Rundgren's "Sweeter Memories".

    I feel horrible, but I also feel that I did the right thing, knowing how much she was suffering.
    I simply could not let her suffer anymore.


    Attached Files:

    RLC likes this.
  8. MarkM

    MarkM Member

  9. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    WOW! That is beautiful. So glad I found this today!!
  10. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So sorry that you now have lost Sadie. Pets are so important to us, truly a family member. As you say you did the right thing but also a very hard thing. Susie and Sadie are now watching over you together. Take care.
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain in caring for, and the decision you had to make. I’m so sorry. I have a little dachshund I love to pieces. He was a gift from Ron. He’s my support my best friend, he’s always happy. Except after Ron passed he was very upset and didn’t understand where he went. I understand the loss of Sadie is very emotionally charged. You and Sadie were taking on the world together. You were such a good Dad, to Sadie and you made the right decision, even though it feels terribly hard right now. You don’t want her suffering. I’m unable to watch your video but it’s a loving picture you shared.
    All the best, Robin
  12. bonnerphotos

    bonnerphotos New Member

    Emotionally, I am where you are. My wife died September 25th, 2019. The loneliness I feel has never been so intense.
  13. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    Your story brought tears to my eyes, such love you shared. I also was a caretaker for five years, not cancer, however a host of ongoing things that couldn't be cured. We also fought as hard as we could. Hospitalizations and doctors appointments always on the agenda, these get incorporated into your daily life. When it ended, I did the same, a huge what do I do now, he was my life. The way you expressed that your love was the type that stood the test of time rings true.

    Some real sage advice on your thread, I read many of their posts, and a thank you to David for taking the time to post meaningful songs. I'm going to post one that speaks to me, it's by Alicia Keys.

    <iframe width="560" height="315" src="" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

    Blood in my eye, hand on my heart
    Feet on the ground, head to the sky
    'Cause trouble ain't no friend of mine
    Ain't no giving it up, no more wasting time
    If you had twenty eight thousand days
    Who would you love, where would you go?
    What would you celebrate?
    I'm telling you that life's too short to just throw it away
    So have the time of your life, so have the time of your life

    Our loves fought for their lives, we fought with them, in my heart I know they wouldn't want us to throw in the towel. I understand, because I feel the same, some things are just hard to concentrate on getting done, and the loneliness is the type I've never experienced, and we face uncertainty in our new state of things. We didn't ask for this change, this new reality. I have our photos up, and his jackets still hanging on the hooks as if he should be coming home. I'm learning to accept that won't happen. I'm also learning to see the possibilities that there are good things ahead.

    Thank you for sharing your story of love.
    Barry likes this.
  14. TammyP

    TammyP Member

    It is comforting to know I am not alone and I am not crazy for feeling the way I do at times. It is so easy to feel suffocated, not able to really share how I am truly feeling. I wonder what people would say if I answered their questions honestly. I want to go to sleep and wake up and it be not true. I call his phone just to leave him a message on his voicemail. I won't wash his dirty clothes because I want to smell him. The little things bring the utmost joy and soul searing sorrow at the same time. My home is a sanctuary and a prison. Everything is wrong and won't ever be right again. My faith is strong and I know he is whole again but honestly I am selfish and want him back even broken. Just one more touch, one more "I love you", one more "Will you scratch my back?"; but, I know one more would never be enough.

    Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
    Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
    Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
    Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

    Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
    Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.
    Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
    Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

    He was my North, my South, my East and West,
    My working week and my Sunday rest,
    My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
    I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

    The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
    Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
    Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
    For nothing now can ever come to any good.
  15. Jeffsjohnson

    Jeffsjohnson Member

    Tomorrow will be two months for me too. I feel your pain.
  16. TammyP

    TammyP Member

    Yesterday was one month for me. It seems so unreal...and to face this the rest of my life is so scary. I wonder if I will ever feel happy again. The few times I feel joy it immediately brings sorrow because I wish I were sharing it with him. Everything is hard. Even though he was sick the last couple of years he was there and I could talk to him and hold him and tell him about my day. I miss that....so much. I miss him so much. It is mental, emotional and real physical pain. I go to his grave and sit in my car and scream. I can't sleep much and when I do I beg God to let me dream of him and I haven't yet. I feel like I am trapped in a whirlpool, I can see the sky and want to reach for it but I keep going in circles, getting sucked down deeper and deeper. It just sucks, plain and simple.....it sucks.
  17. darren1234

    darren1234 Member

    day after tomorrow will be a week for me. the shock keeps comming back .
  18. TammyP

    TammyP Member

    Bless you
  19. Laura L 5199

    Laura L 5199 New Member

    I am sorry for your loss, nobody really understands unless they have been through it. My husband was ok one day and the next day we were in the hospital and he was having exploratory surgery. I knew when the surgeon came out to talk with me and knelt down in front of me that it was not going to be good. He told me that my husband had colon cancer and would need chemo. I heard his words as best as I could, I tried to hold onto the hope that although this would be difficult that one day we could look back on this horrible time and be grateful. However, what I didn’t hear was what he was not saying, or maybe I was just trying to not lose hope and remain strong for my husband. A week and a half later we sat in the Oncologist office for his initial visit: I will never forget that day because that was when we were told it was Stage 4. I am unfortunately or depending on your perspective fortunately a nurse, which can be a blessing and a curse. I wished for a miracle but knew in my heart that he would most likely not survive the year. The oncologist was a little more positive than I, when my husband asked what his prognosis was he was told there were no good treatments at this time. At best 10 years and at worst 2 years. I think, besides being shocked I was angry at the doctor because I don’t believe he was being honest or realistic, and he was giving false hope to my husband. My husband passed away 7 months later. That was almost 2 1/2 years ago. In some ways it feels like forever and other times like it just happened. My husband was my soulmate, there was a time that I wasn’t really sure if there was such a thing or what that meant. I now know that there are soulmates and he is mine and I am his. My heart aches and misses him with every breath I take. I cry almost daily when I think of him and what we loss. I miss coming home at the end of the day and him waiting for me. And so many other routines that we shared. No matter how difficult or hard a day was I knew it would be ok because he would be there at the end of the day. I know he would want me to try hard to be happy but I just can’t seem to reach it at this time. Our family and friends are very supportive and good to me but it is difficult seeing others return to their lives and routines knowing I will never be able to. And yes I agree that having a strong faith in God is what helps me to go on, without it I don’t know what I would have done. Every day continues to be a challenge and a struggle. I don’t know if this will help but it is nice to know that others understand. In closing, many people have told me they cannot even begin to imagine and I tell them, it is a thousand times worse than you can imagine and I hope you never have to experience this, I would not wish this experience on my enemy. Prayers and peace.
    skies24 likes this.
  20. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    It was eight months on the 11th., trust me it does get better. I know those first days, weeks and months just crush you. Your heart and soul ache and it's hard to find any joy or purpose. There's joy and purpose, I try to find something each day to make me smile my dog, the lake, the blue sky on a sunny day or the stars at night. The universe inspires me.

    I know it's scary, but we're resilient we'll get through we have to they'd want us to. I know now what I'm saying seems impossible, I thought the same early on and yes, I still have my moments, although now they're briefer.

    From the Mel Robbin's show, "when you feel you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
    Barry, Laura L 5199, TammyP and 4 others like this.