I have no idea how to process my emotions anymore. It seems that I have every emotion so intensely that it makes it hard to breathe. I have suffered several traumatic events in my life before my brother died. I had sought help for them because he encouraged me to get better and keep going. Now, after losing him, the trauma and grief are overwhelming. I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore. I always wanted to do and be better so he would have a good role model and someone to look up too. Neither parent was much good for that. Him and I shared a truck cause I had another car but he couldn't afford the insurance on the truck alone. I drive the truck everyday now because the other car sold a few months ago. Everyday I sit where he sat and wish it was him there instead. He was always the better one. The happier one. He had a love for life that I don't know how to acquire. It doesn't make sense that the one who loved everyone and everything got taken but me, who has been depressed my entire life and have ptsd, I get to stay? Why? I don't want to hurt myself or anything, it just doesn't make sense. He would know what to do if I passed, but I have no idea what to do without him. This loneliness is almost unbearable.
Try keeping a journal and write down what you are feeling and thinking each day. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let your self cry. You will stop crying snd then will start again. Its a process that keeps unfolding....this all takes time.......
Thank you. I am trying not to repress feelings but unfortunately, I can't just burst into tears at work. This week has been a little better. It doesn't feel as heavy.
