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Today was hard

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Enderly130, Dec 27, 2020.

  1. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    Today was a hard day.
    It's been just over a year dince I lost my husband, and not quite 2 months since I lost my son in law.

    I struggled with the snow shoveling today.
    The guys were always so quick, and a lot of times we all worked together making it easier.
    It was rough alone. For more than one reason.

    I decided to walk afterwards. I went to the cemetery where we always walked because it's peaceful.
    But my heart was filled with sadness at the beautiful snow covered surroundings, and not having my husband to share it with. Not having anyone to share it with.
    It felt like I didn't belong here anymore.
    Like my life is over but I was left behind.

    Just a hard day.

    Thanks for reading this.
     
    Fernanda likes this.
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I can relate to your snow woes. Shoveling and trying to enjoy the beauty of it without someone to share it with. I made Ron buy a snow blower so he didn’t have to shovel, he’d clean up our driveway fast and easy. Now it sits dormant. I can’t shovel because I have RA, but I tried and didn’t get far. Finally the rain came and melted it all but the ground being so soft from all the rain and snow my septic tank collapsed! I’m full of anxiety and wish so bad Ron was here to take over what needs to be done. Thankfully my brother is stepping in to help me. It’s overwhelming.
    Ron and I used to walk the cemetery too, like you said the peacefulness of it was nice. Now it’s an extra lonely place.
    You will have better days, we each need to work towards them. Keep visiting this site.
    ❤️
     
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  3. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    Thank you for your reply and encouragement!
    I'msorry about your septic tank! But I'm glad your brother will help! It's a blessing to have helpers. My son in law used to be my main helper after my hubby passed. But now he's with him.
    Yes, we have to keep working towards better days.
     
    RLC likes this.
  4. SeaShell

    SeaShell Member

    Hi Enderly130,
    I am sorry for your loss and sadness. Please know I care . Hugs to you dear.
    S
     
    Enderly130 likes this.
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry you lost the main person you had to help with things. Our lives have changed so much and feel so difficult so different. And now you’re suffering another loss. It’s overwhelming. Little things become big things and big things become overwhelming.
    But in most cases I’m learning I’m stronger then I thought. I’m sure you are too. Our loved ones are in our heart forever.
     
    Enderly130 likes this.
  6. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    Thank you SeaShell and RLC. Your kindness and understanding are greatly appreciated.
    It helps to know others care and can unfortunately relate.

    I am sorry for all our losses. Hopefully, together, we can help each other through this.

    Take care.
     
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I can tell you that I credit this site and the people on here for helping me. I’ve been on this site for a year now. Joined when it was almost a year since Ron passed, I was not doing well at all. Even though we don’t want others hurting they were hurting there’s comfort in having people who can relate to everything we’re feeling. This is a wonderful community of people, and it helps more then I ever expected.
    My advice is to visit this site often. Read and share stories and feelings. Try to keep your mind active and get fresh air even in the cold of winter. I’ve learned that getting my blood flowing and getting fresh air does help.
    SeaShell, I see you’ve lost your dad, I’m so sorry. I’m on here because I lost my wonderful husband but my first real loss was my Dad. I know how devastating that feels as well. My heart goes out to you.
    I hope both of you have people in your life giving you support
    ❤️
     
    Sweetcole and Enderly130 like this.
  8. SeaShell

    SeaShell Member

    Dear RLC,
    Thank you for your supportive words and encouragement. I do have some support at home with my long time boyfriend and my sister. I am glad I found this site to share and support each other. I searched it out because my co workers appear to be indifferent to my loss or just jerks. Maybe both :). I am sorry for you having lost your husband , way too young and your father. Although my Dad was 90 ,in failing health , and on hospice the finality of it all is what gets me. But am grateful to have had him this long in our world. Everyone one on here is so caring and kind ..it warms my heart. Take care ...and know I care about you.
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, you’re right my husband was only 63 and was healthy, gone from our happy wonderful life way too soon and taken so fast. My Dad was 81 when he passed from non Hodgkin lymphoma, I didn’t think I could go on without him. But I needed to be there for my Mom, and I had 2 young children, my husband and a business to help run.
    I believe this site will be of great help to you. I’m glad you have your sister and boyfriend to give support, it’s important but not always available. People who haven’t suffered such a loss just don’t understand. Your Dad helped make you the person you are today. He’s with you, he’s a part of you. And I believe watching over you.
    Thank you for your kind words. Know that I totally understand your pain and you’re not alone.
     
  10. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Tough weekend - Michael has been gone 6 months today. I did not know that I could be sad everyday for this long. I just miss him. I found his father’s wedding band in a box of belongings. I had it repaired and resized so that I can wear it. It gives me strength. I had a very nasty text from his brother’s girlfriend, saying that she knew that Michael couldn’t stand me, and I kept him from his family and friends. They are angry because he left his belongings to me. I haven’t responded. They are not people that can be reasoned with. I pray for understanding of why anything would happen to make my grief more difficult to deal with. I am determined that I will carry out Michael’s wishes as he asked me to. But it will be a tough journey, one day at a time. More than ready for peace of mind.
     
    Countess Joy likes this.
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with cruel people. I know today was hard for you, I ask myself how am I still here, each month that passes. You might think it seems impossible to be so sad for so long. But in your heart you knew it would be this hard, sad and lonely. But living through it is worse then our minds can comprehend.
    I’m sorry you’re dealing with people that are so selfish they say such horrible things. You know why they’re saying these things and know what they’re saying is ridiculous, but it still hurts so much. My sister said horrible things to me, and I know it’s because she’s jealous of what Ron and I had, and believe it or not jealous that I had people caring for me. I’ve had to cut her out of my life because of how she treats me. She is blocked from testing, calling and emailing me. You might need to do that too for your own sanity.
    I’m glad you had the conversations about Michael’s wishes and that you’re able to carry them out. I’m thankful that Ron and I had enough conversations that I know what he wished, but we were both healthy so I never in a million years thought I’d be where I am today.
    I wish you the strength to stand up to Michael’s family like he’d want you too.
     
    JMD likes this.
  12. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the post. I was just stunned by the cruelty and mean-spirited message. These are two of the most troubled people I know, and Michael warned me that this was going to happen. The reality of it, especially without him here to support me, is much more difficult than imagining it. Motivated only by greed. I hear from many people that this behavior happens in most families, but on some level I thought maybe it wouldn’t. I have not responded because I don’t want them to know that I received the message or that it impacted me. So far quiet, but I’m sure it will come back around. I want to focus on my own well-being and adjust to my life without Michael, not distracted by the stress of his family attacking our relationship and my character. Praying for peace.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    The cruel way they’re treating you is so telling of the type of people they are. I’m glad you never responded, sometimes silence speaks volumes. Plus like you said they don’t know if you received that horrible text. I sometimes save the cruel messages or texts, a reminder of just how nasty people are. My sister told lies about Ron and I that I’m finding out now. And said she’s sure we’re not as happy as everyone thinks we are. How on earth would she know, Iv’e kept her at a distance for a long time but always gave her a place to be on holidays. That’s jealousy. She went through 2 divorces that I tried to support her through. She now says I didn’t do anything for her. She was jealous we had such a wonderful fulfilling life together and hers wasn’t going as she hoped. No one abandoned her until she started treating everyone terrible and like we’re all stupid. She chose to leave her husbands, the first one was an alcoholic but the nicest guy. I would have stood by him and helped him get sober. But that’s me. She knew he had a problem when she married him but kept it a secret from her family. Ron always told me to keep a distance from her, he said to remember how conniving she is. After Ron passed she was great support, called me often, I was concerned she was up to something she’s not that caring. Then I got a text saying what a horrible I am. She can’t reach now, only through snail mail.
    I totally agree with you that going through these things without Michael is so much worse not having the support or him to talk it through with. I can’t tell you how many hours Ron and I spent at work discussing how cruel my sister is and how to deal with her.
    I’ve blocked her so, like you, I can focus on my well being my healing and how to get through each day alone. I pray Michael’s family leaves you alone but it will most likely happen again sometime down the road. I’m praying for you and that peace finds it’s way to fill your heart.
     
  14. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you Robin. I find myself wondering how, in a just world, anything else that hurts could be sent our way after such a horrible loss. I still don't know when I will feel like i have 'stabilized' in my grief over Michael. I miss him so much right now, and find myself unable to think about 'always', 'forever' and 'never' without getting really upset. I did find some virtual support groups that are being offered by the hospice center that is close by, and I think it would be a good thing for me to try to join one. The more support the better as I go through this.
    Your story about your marriage to Ron and your sister trying to break it down with negative comments is familiar. Michael and I were together for 18 years. We were not perfect people, and we did have fights like anyone else. But, underneath it all, I know we loved and supported each other tremendously. Our hard times made our relationship stronger. We were with each other everyday, and if one of us was away, which was not very often, we talked on the phone. We did everything together. He loved doing things with my family, and Lord knows we tried to do things with his. They are a broken bunch. I remember coaching myself one day when he told me he wanted to spend time with his brother - 'well, you're going to have to learn how to do this for him'. And I did. Willingly.
    Now, after he is gone, and I am at my most vulnerable, they choose to rewrite history as if they knew us and our relationship better than we knew ourselves. And tell anyone that will listen to them so that their position is supported. I think evil personified. I don't think they are jealous of us but rather motivated by pure greed. And...I have chosen to pray, put everything in God's hands and let him handle it. I won't spend time thinking negative thoughts about them, or wishing them harm. Easier said than done but I need to stay focused on my own wellbeing and strength. I truly appreciate your post, support and understanding and am grateful for finding this website. My prayers go out to all of us who are suffering through this, and for the return of peace in our lives.
     
  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re welcome! No one deserves to be treated so poorly, even if we weren’t trying to heal after such a devastating loss. And putting their cruel words and actions behind us is what we need but I find it harder in the emotional state I’m in. She’s been cruel to me in the past and I was ok to just stop talking to her, in fact it felt good. But this time it makes my heart ache no matter how hard I try to let it go. I keep questioning how could a sister be so mean. And I know she’s telling others that it’s all me. But both my brothers tell me everyone knows me and knows the person I am and to not be concerned. But I keep going back in my head to how can she be this cruel. And even ask me to pay for her flight here for the funeral.
    You and Michael had a beautiful marriage and understood each other, how dare they try to break that down as if Michael confided in them. I even know that’s not true. You saying you had to coach yourself rings such a bell for me and spending time with my sister.
    I’ve had a rough couple of days, anxiety and full of emotions, I just miss Ron and our wonderful life so much that I ache some days more then others. And I think I wish I had a sister that I could just talk it out with. But I don’t. I do believe Michael’s brothers motivation is greed, my sister started with jealousy of which she admitted but Ive learned she hoped to be able to stay in my home during the summer months off my dime. She moved to Florida and isn’t happy there. So she had greed too.
    I agree, this site is a godsend, and I credit it for helping me immensely. There’s comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones feeling this way. Even though we wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
    I believe we’re all stronger then we credit ourselves for and we need to pull that strength out and makes our loved ones proud.
     
  16. Cyanotype

    Cyanotype Well-Known Member

    Hope today is a better day for you
     
    Enderly130 likes this.
  17. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thank you. The antics continue. Too much to say here, but I think until everything settles they are just intent on intimidating me and making me miserable. I am stronger than that - and there will be no chance that Michael’s life work will be lost to two such undeserving people. It’s hard to explain - an empty vacation house without him, driving his truck, none of it means much without him, but I’ll be damned if I’m going ot lose it to them. I had no idea when he warned me about them what the reality would be like. I also had no idea that they would treat me with such cruelty. I just miss my guy so much. Weekends with him were just so looked forward to, just comfortable spend together time. We just wanted to be together.
    I am sorry you are having rough days too without Ron, it sounds like you two fit together so well. I am not sure you will ever understand your sister’s unkindness, and it sounds like you are best distanced from her. I have realized that through my life, I very likely put my 110% into people that have not been supportive in the way I need them to be. I have no idea what my life will look like as I go through this. Kindness in strange places and indifferences where I didn’t expect them. Take care and a prayer for your peace of mind and connection to Ron.
     
  18. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss and sadness. I can picture your beautiful, peaceful, quiet walk, and I know the sadness that joins you during that quiet time. I sometimes feel that is the time where I process my emotions. It is warm here in NC, so no snow, but I raked a section of the yard this morning. I had the thought that by the time I was done it would be time to start again at the beginning. The overwhelm of being alone. Everything was easier with my love around. God Bless you and may you feel peace tonight.
     
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  19. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    Thank you, JMD.
    I understand your feeling of being overwhelmed. I have felt that too. Especially when doing our usual shared yard work alone.

    I was finding it peaceful walking, and was able to process a bit. But that first beautiful snowfall hit me so hard emotionally.

    I wish you peace as well.

    Sometimes it feels like just being able to take a full breath.
     
    JMD likes this.
  20. Enderly130

    Enderly130 Active Member

    Thank you so much.

    Our bodies know what day it is even if our minds don't catch it. Yesterday i felt so very sad. It was the 3 month anniversary for my son in law.
     
    Cyanotype likes this.