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This grief is going to kill me

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by RNgirl, Sep 6, 2020.

  1. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Yes, my friend, we will make it through. A rocky road at times but we will make it.
     
  2. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Soo adorable!!! How old is the little cutie?
     
  3. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    The massage was wonderful. I do feel a lot less knotted up. The technician had really good hands. I need to do it regularly like I used to. Self care is so important right now. I preach that to my students, now I have to practice what I teach.
    Have a good rest of your evening. Hugs !!!!
     
  4. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    I know it's hard, my friend. I hope you did get your facial as planned. I will tell you that you need to take pride in whatever task you do complete. Some days one task is all we can accomplish and we need never feel bad about that. Grief takes a different amount of time for each of us. 12 weeks is not that long. Your loss is still pretty new, be kind to yourself. One day at a time, some days it's one minute at a time. As always, I'm sending you a hug from the Carolina coast.
     
  5. Boulderhof

    Boulderhof New Member

    Thank you and I wish the same for you.
    I'm 70 years old and was married for 24 years when my wife was diagnosed with a Glioma blastoma tumor. I cared for her for 5 years enduring 100 s of seizures brain surgeries chemo she died in my arms. I spent 2 years and met the love of my life ( again) we married 2 years later 5 years later she developed metastatic breast cancer and died 4 years later. I was with her to the bitter end and would do it a million times to get her back. I'm now 70 and am alone with my memories which is ok but what about the ones we planned? I am now grieving the loss of both wives at once and I never knew this kind of pain and anguish. I lost 60 lbs and I'm small so I'm trying to eat more, that's my life and the constant reminder that she is gone.
     
  6. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So sad that she didn't meet your grandson. I, too, looked after my hubby. He first had laryngeal cancer in 2010 and beat it, Then it came back in 2013 and he was very sick for about 6 months with chemo and radiation but again he beat it. Then in 2018 he developed a new cancer under his tongue and had a huge surgery. Never able to eat or drink anything again...everything went in a tube in his stomach. Did learn to talk some though. All this is to say it is incredibly hard to watch your loved one slowly disappear in front of you while you are helpless. And yes it was still a shock when he died. HUGS
     
  7. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    I loved doing portraits from photos in the winter and then landscapes en plein aire in the summer. My best friend and I painted together but she has not called since Mike died...guess she doesn't know what to say but she is a psychologist so you'd think she'd be OK with grief. I will try the page or two method for reading.. HUGS
     
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  8. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    I have heard that every therapist needs a therapist. All the training in the world doesn't prepare you to know what to say sometimes. May I suggest you call your friend and just let her know that she is important in your life and that you miss painting with her. She most likely is waiting until she feels you are "ready" to spend time with her. It's uncomfortable for people to understand our loss unless they have been through it themselves.
    Always good to hear from you. Hugs and sweet dreams
     
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  9. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Good morning. I did make that call and she did say she was giving me "space". I told her that the kids have returned to their lives and that I was lonely and missed her company. She seemed to understand but still did not resume our friendship. My only guess is that she is insecure and doesn't want a widow around her husband??? I don't know. Or does she think I'm looking for free therapy??? I don't know.

    How have your days been this week? Hoping they are good. No signs of Covid from you exposure?
    HUGS
     
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  10. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I have been told by many that this profound grief causes you to grow. I don’t particularly want to grow this way. My ‘best friend’ of 35 years is gone also....I am thinking that my friends and family will not look the same to me again as I adjust to this new life without Michael. It is like the train I am on has stopped and everyone else is continuing on with their lives. I am taking friendship and comfort where it comes to me and am finding kindness in unexpected places. I am grateful to anyone who is brave enough to reach out. It helps. I am grateful for these posts. Settling in to another weekend just me and the dog. Praying for peace for all of us.
     
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  11. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    yes we need to take kindness where we find it. someone told me what will change the most is our address book. I guess i am looking for the comfort of my old life which can never be again. But life does go on and I am sure I will settled into a new life...it's just this learning, not knowing, and pain tend to overwhelm at times. I worked shift work all my life so weekends don't hold much significance for me but it is the evenings alone that get me. I , too, have my dog for company. She is starting to be my dog...she was bonded to my Mike and grieved for a long time. Lately she will come up and snuggle with me as she did with him. HUGS
     
  12. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Hi pumpkin! I'm glad you reached out to your friend. At least whatever happens, you know you tried. It's her burden now, not yours.
    I've been doing okay, no symptoms. Just exhausted from nursing Aggie. We spent several hours on Thursday at the vet following a grand mal seizure. She is now on an antibiotic, 2 seizure meds and a prn anticonvulsant . She has become a full time job.
    Sending hugs from my home to yours
     
  13. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Very interesting thought about the address book. What I am finding is that I know people differently than I did before, that what I thought would happen was very different from what really happened. Some of it is really disappointing and some heartwarming. I have been careful to be honest about what I think would help, and careful to show gratitude to those that have been supportive and present. I adopted my dog after Michael passed away. We had talked about getting a dog for a while but it was never the ‘right time’. He was talking about it a lot when he was out of work because I think his days were long and lonely. I wish I’d taken more time off with him but didn’t know we had such limited time. Anyway, I now have Bubba who is good company and very affectionate. He seems to be a fit for me and me for him. I am ok in the evenings after work, but my weekends, which were our time together, are sad and long. I feel dread on Friday at work. Try to fill up the time with things that have purpose without overdoing it. Today is an oil change and car inspection followed by gardening in the community garden. I am glad your dog is bonding to you, I hope that is comforting for you and makes you feel connected to Mike. Prayers to you.
     
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  14. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I love your advice about reaching out, and whatever the reply was, making peace with it. We can do so much second guessing of ourselves when we are emotionally distraught and when our support systems have disappeared and have to be rebuilt. I am not one who finds it easy to ask for help. It’s important to be honest about what you want and need, and after that, you really learn who’s there and who’s not. My daily affirmation is to be the best person I can be, to be humble and show gratitude to those who have been good to me. And to be conscious and intentional about it. I am glad you are feeling OK, and am praying for Aggie’s health and recovery. She is lucky to have you caring for her, giving her love and what she needs. We are pulling for you. My thoughts and prayers - keep going and take care of you, too.
     
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  15. Kimberly_67

    Kimberly_67 New Member

    Omg I lost my love 18 days ago he also was a truck driver he got in a terrible accident in a different state and didn't make it so I know how you feel I pray you find peace
     
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  16. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear Aggie is not doing well. Pets really are like family. She is lucky to have you taking such good care of her. Really glad you have not gotten ill!!! Remember to take care of yourself too...being overtired I find leads to being distraught for me.

    Yes I am at peace with having tried to reconnect with my friend. I made that call in May and have accepted she has let me go. Her husband has stopped by briefly twice to see if there are any handyman jobs I needed done. There weren't...I'm quite impressed with how competent I am becoming around maintenance on the house. HUGS
     
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  17. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So so sorry for your loss. Those first days and weeks are so unbelievably hard. I barely remember except for flashes of crying, of thinking he would be home soon, of screaming at God WHY?, .

    You will be OK. It takes time but you will learn to live with the loss. It was a year this week since my husband died and I still have some days of crying but it gets different, softer somehow. For now while the loss is so raw, and painful, just concentrate on doing what you must. Eat something good for you, go outside to walk and get fresh air, sleep when you can (I couldn't sleep at night for quite a few months...learned to take long naps whenever the crying exhausted me).

    When people ask what they can do to help try to tell them what you need done. They feel helpless and know the only thing you really need is your husband back but by doing something for you they honour him and you have less on your plate to do. I remember one day in the first couple of weeks a friend called to ask what she could do...I said "could you come over and make me tea?" She did and it was a bright spot in those dark days.

    Keep coming to this site to read and vent. We may be in different boats but all on the same ocean of grief. It really helps to talk to people who get it. HUGS
     
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  18. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    So nice that you have Bubba! There is nothing like a good dog that is a match.

    Sounds like you have a nice day planned, half work and half play. I was reading your response about affirmations and could so identify. I light a candle every morning for Mike and quiet myself to talk with him. I express my gratitude for the 30+ years we had and commit to being my "best self" for just this day. It is a practice that has brought me much peace.

    HUGS
     
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  19. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    My friend, I love what you said about being the best person we can be, especially right now as our world is so out balance. Like you, I don't really know how to ask for help, so it gets more difficult at times than perhaps it should be, but I've always believed if you don't expect anything from others you can't be disappointed. People I thought would be supportive have done pretty much as I expected. Everyone is there for the first few days while we are still numb from the loss. Days to weeks after the funeral, they disappear. It is a hard pill to swallow for sure.
    Aggie has a few good days and a few not so good ones. We had a virtual visit with a neurologist on Thursday who wants to do an MRI and spinal tap. As much as I love my dog, I cannot spend endless money on her. Her meds alone currently run almost 200 dollars a month. We are going to try some new medications and hope for the best.
    I hold you in prayer for more good days than bad. Hold on to the beautiful memories. A big hug from the Carolinas
     
  20. LouiseP57

    LouiseP57 Well-Known Member

    Not going to rewrite my message posted elsewhere , but I hold you in prayer and ask for a little more peace and comfort for you each day.
    Sending a hug from the Carolinas