This grief is going to kill me

Agreed.. Quilting would be a wonderful way to keep my husband's things close.

 

You'll get there!! I'll often spot a particular square and remember "oh that's the shirt he wore to our first grandchild's christening" or "that's the one when we went to that really funky restaurant when we were in Key West" and so on. With 63 different squares there are so many memories.

 

So sorry you had some down days. HUGS. They are no fun.

I have read lately about "the crone" and how women when they turn 60 become their most beautiful selves. We have lived and learned, we have served in the care we give to those around us, we become our wisest and strongest. 25 is beautiful in it's own way but shallow compared to the beauty of the crone.

Good luck with the purging! Commit to ten minutes and see what happens. Blessings, love, and HUGS!

 

You’re helping inspire me. Thank you and I know exactly what you mean by memories from different squares different shirts. Sounds beautiful! I’ll have that one day too.

 

I love the way you put that! I felt that same way in my early 50's. I could finally be the man I always knew I was without all the peer pressure I learned in school. That stayed with me for a long time. I liked the energy and ego I had then, and it took me a long way, but it felt so good to finally let all that stuff go and be myself without worry. I have to give credit to my wonderful, sweet wife Peg for helping me with that. I'm a much better person for having known her. She is forever in my heart. Yesterday marked 11 months since she died suddenly from a brain aneurysm.

 

You know, I may have been able to see some light at the end of the tunnel 20 years ago but now..... I have been having a hard enough time losing Walter but add that to the hard time I was already having with getting older. A recipe for disaster. I have been meditating more and working harder to maintain an attitude of gratitude despite the pain and heartache. I have to say it's one day at a time for sure. I'll have several good days and then something I see, hear, smell, brings on a tsunami of sadness and tears. My best friend lost her husband a year ago and she has been my rock reminding me that grief comes in waves. I am so grateful to have found all of the kindred spirits here who understand the stages and phases of grief. Some days there is great hope in the messages we share, and other times it is just a silent hug that comforts me as I cry. Hugs to you, my friend.

 

Ainie, thank you for the most comforting words, "you'll get there". I want to hang onto the fact that the sun will continue to rise as long as God sees fit. So, with that, I hold on to positive thoughts of life with sweet memories and fewer tears.

 

You are welcome! When I light my candle every morning at breakfast I give thanks for the sun which comes up every day no matter what. It gives me incentive to also show up as best I can no matter what that day brings. Even if it is a day of tears I accept them, after all the sun is hidden by rain sometimes but is still there and is still ok. HUGS

 

How beautiful. Truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

 

I liked it too. I read it often. We are all trying to find meaning. I am glad we have each other.

 

Awesome poem!! Life gives us many challenges which we do our best to meet but when we are so broken with sorrow that is when we finally touch the real essence of life. Everything else seems to no longer matter. Kindness matters!!!

Loving this conversation!! Wishing everyone a good day!! And if it's a bad day...we gotcha. HUGS

 

This is really nice and so true. Trying to find meaning and purpose in this new life without Michael. The realization of what we had is much more clear with the sorrow of his passing. As for grief coming in waves, I cannot get out of my own way this weekend with sadness and missing him. None of the usual tricks are working. Writing a letter to him, getting a project done, cleaning the yard, hugging the dog. I guess I need to feel this but it is just awful. The loneliness of the weekends that we used to look forward to is too much. I used to like my time alone to recharge but I always knew he was right there somewhere. I have talked to my sister, to whom I am so grateful for her love, patience and stick-to-it-iveness with me, and some friends this weekend. Sometimes I feel this will never lift. Reading helps so I am going to get my book, curl up with the dog and try again. It is a beautiful fall day so I’ll force myself to venture out later. One minute at a time right now. Back and forth. Grateful for the love, support and understanding that we have through these posts. JMD

 

OMG, you just described my last few days!!! Most days I can muddle through and be so busy that before I know it, it's bedtime. I had several fits of gut wrenching crying for the past 2 or 3 days. I try hard to keep it together for my son, who is having a hard enough time of his own. I am truly all that he really has right now and I must appear as strong as possible for him. I so want to be able to cry until I'm exhausted because that's how much pain is inside me but I can't. I am certain that it isn't healthy to hold emotions inside building strength until we either fall apart/implode, or explode releasing every pent up feeling. I am so very grateful for you all and for this group. I thank each of you for your support and kindness. A humongous hug from the Carolina coast!

 

I am glad we found each other too!! Hugs across the miles!

A wonderful day to you too, my sweet friend!!!

 

Peg sounds like a wonderful person! It is so good when we are with someone who accepts the real us. Mike did that for me...he loved me exactly as I was. Never asked me to change a thing but I did become a better person as his support and love gave me the best incentive ever to become my best self, my true self.

 

I think Garth Brooks expressed why we hurt so much in his song "The Dance". We wouldn't have missed all the good, bad and simply amazing times with our special someone's even if we knew there would be pain at the end. I know for me, it's spot on. I could have missed the pain but not if I had to miss our dance. 39 years of joy, heartache, amazement and experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. I realized this morning that this would have been our 40th year together. He wasn't my first love but he was the very best love I've ever known and that means so much. My ex has remarried at least 3 times since we divorced and I feel sorry for him. He obviously hasn't found that one person worth fighting for, worth surrendering your heart and trusting them to have your best interest, happiness and safety always in mind. I feel so very blessed to have known that kind of love. That's why this hurts so damn much. I feel naked and alone. My protector, my safety net isn't physically here and it's scary. I guess you can tell I'm all in my feelings right about now. This week has been tough for me as the anniversary of my son's death is the 6th of this month. I managed to be functional on that day after 5 or 6 years. I'm taking a deep breath and listening for him whispering to me that it's going to be alright. The song "I'm already there" just came on and I can hear him saying that he's right here. Just needed to vent. Thank you for letting me get it out

 

Thanks for this. I agree, every memory, good and bad, was worth getting to the level of love we had. Complete trust that we had each others’ back at all times. Many people have told me what they saw in Michael and I was extremely rare. I know that’s why the pain is as intense as it is. We knew each other for 46 years, high school sweethearts that reconnected later in life. I held him in my heart everyday from the day that we met. Like you, we went through some difficult times, but our love for each other was deep and the hard times strengthened our relationship. The good times were so good, so comfortable and safe. My weekend has been very emotional also, for reasons I haven’t quite put my finger on except that my loss is still very fresh. I will pray for you today and on the 6th. Happy to listen. Peace to you.

 

Thank you for being here. BTW, my son was a Michael as well. He was my firstborn and taught name what unconditional love means. You see, I never wanted children and took every measure not to get pregnant. Well, if didn't work. My husband at that me me wasn't ready for parenthood and sent me home to my parents within 3 months of the pregnancy. He wasn't around for Michael's birth. He decided several months later that he wanted to be part of our lives so we tried to make the marriage work. By the time Michael was 18 months old I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again. I was terribly distraught and depressed. I knew he didn't want this second baby anymore than I did. So, once again he sent Michael and I packing back to my parents. I started having complications almost immediately after we arrived at my parents home. I ended up hospitalized for the next 6 months. I was on strict bed rest. I could only see Michael for 1 hour on Sundays and I couldn't pick him up for fear contractions would start. I ended up being transferred to another hospital 70 miles from home to deliver my daughter emergently. I was so sick the military flew my ex hundreds of miles to be there in case I didn't make it. I made up my mind if I survived this I wanted a way to be independent from this man who kept abandoning me and the children. That's how I started nursing and how I first met Walter. It was long be at first sight for me. Michael didn't warm up to Walter for most of his life. When he got in some serious legal trouble, his father abandoned him yet again. Walter stepped up and supported him until the day he died. There are no words for how much I miss my baby. There are so few holidays that I can actually enjoy because almost every one of them are associated with such personal memories. Michael was born Easter week, my daughter was born on election day, the next came Christmas week, the last one now has 9/11 as the day attached to his birthday, and Walter was born on Thanksgiving. So what does that leave? Michael opened my heart to love more than I could have ever known was possible. I hope I can get myself together today....

 

I am dreading Thanksgiving - Michael and I hosted family at our home every year. Some of the happiest memories we had. We don’t have kids, so my niece and nephew from NY - my dear brother Jim’s kids - became very close to him. He would turn into a little kid when they were here. Hikes in the woods, walks on the beach, pranks on dad. We planned something over the top every year - Bald Head, the aquarium, shopping trips, outdoor movies on a big screen next to the fire pit, the list goes on. I’ll never forget when they told him that he was their favorite uncle. He was beaming and over the moon. I think always one of his cherished moments. We will miss him this year - I’m not sure how we will get through without him. His love and energy missing will leave a gaping hole. So far all I know is we’re going to write notes to him and send them up tied to a helium balloon. I did not date a lot of men in my life, and had some crummy relationships along the way. Makes me so much more grateful for my Michael. Simple and down to earth with me and family as his priority. Your Walter sounds like the same kind of guy. Once in a lifetime we were lucky. Praying that you have peace and calm.