This grief is going to kill me

Please keep in touch. What we do professionally can be stressful so if you need to vent or just chat, your fellow nurse is here to offer any support I can. Try to get some rest.

 

I would like to keep in touch. I feel a great sense of calm and comfort with you. Your patients are very lucky.

 

Good morning!!! I truly am here for you. I teach nursing at a local college these days and being less technically savvy makes it a bit stressful at times but I live working with the students. I did critical care for most of my career but I think I dabbled in just about every type of nursing there is. What area are you in? By the way, I'm Karen and it is wonderful getting to know you. Have a great day!!!!

 

Nice to meet you Karen. I work at a high risk OB office. I worked at a level 3 labor and delivery unit for 15 years, the last three years doing triage. I am now the triage nurse in the OB office. I do diabetic texting and wound checks as well. Physically much easier that floor nursing but I am always amazed at the traumatic decisions people are left to cope with. I get the technology issue. It's like I have a mental block. I have made friends with the barely 20's in or office and they give me tips and help when I get stuck. It is so nice to meet you..
Tina

 

Tina, my hat is off to you, my friend. I used to think I wanted to do OB many, many years ago. Two really bad deliveries cured me!!! I also got very frustrated with the mom with stairstep pregnancies who didn't see the need for birth control and it wasn't about religion! I definitely have a mental block when it comes to technology. I Google an awful lot on how to do thing, lol. My children just shake their heads and say mom it's so simple. I just roll my eyes at them.
Question, what are you guys using for PPE? Do you have to wear protective eyewear as well as masks when you are face to face with patients???

I look forward to chatting with you later. Have a beautiful day my friend!

 

Watching both of your posts and reading with interest. Another nurse here, grieving my husband. We are compassionate caregivers and it is heartwarming to reach out to each other in this difficult time. I am back at work and trying to get things done but not overdo it, and be kind to myself. It was not helpful for me to stay at home and try to find things to take up my time....so I try to make a difference here. Thanks to you too for working through this pandemic. The world is changing in so many strange ways right now. Prayers for peace.

 

The more the merrier. We are on this journey so if we have to take the walk, why do it alone??? Right??? Being nurses it makes it a little easier at times and harder at others. I found it unhealthy to stay at home, just like you guys. I was going crazy(or is it crazier???). I can tell you that some of my patients saved my life. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts this go round but when my son was killed 14 years ago, all I wanted to do was die. I couldn't think of any reason to live and honestly thought that I would be doing everyone a favor if I took my moppy butt to another world. Thankfully, my other children and my husband reminded me that I had unfinished business. It took me a couple of years to get my head screwed on almost right. They say God sends us angels in so many forms. I was having a really bad period and I go to work and they tell me I'm being floated to another floor that I never worked on before. The charge nurse tells me that I am only going to have 1 patient. I know that is unusual so I'm a little bitter and a little skeptical. The patient is a 39 year old who is terminal and is being sent to the floor to die basically. I'm thinking to myself, "I can't do this". The patient comes up and she is heavily medicated so she cannot answer any questions. How the heck am I going to do this assessment? Then an older lady walks in the room and introduces herself as the patient's mom. She answers all of my questions and then proceeds to tell me that she feels compelled to share with me that this is her last child. She had lost all 5 of her other children to various things, cancer, gun violence, drug overdose, etc. She never shed a tear. She spoke of them lovingly but with purpose. She was very proud of each of her children and was grateful to have had the opportunity to be their mother. She looked at me and said " you are going to be alright". I was already crying just listening to her story. I got goosebumps when she told me she knew I would be okay. I then proceeded to tell her Michael's story. She looked at me with the most beautiful brown eyes ever and took my hand. She prayed with me and told me not to worry because she was going to be alright too. That has been almost 15 years and I never forgot that event.
Ladies, we are going to be alright. Different than we were before but we will be alright. It will take time and lots of soul searching every day, but we will be alright. Our men wouldn't have it any other way. They found us because we possess a strength that they found beautiful.....and we do!

 

Let me know how your day went Tina. I'm so tired of grading papers and tying tests.... Oh my. Sending a big hug from the Carolinas!!!

 

Amazing post. We are so lucky to be able to heal and help others the way we do, especially at the end of their lives. What a difference we can make. The mother of that young woman could have had much different memories of her last child’s death if you had been a grouchy float nurse. Instead you found your compassion and you helped each other. Michael used to tell me that the only person he knew with a heart like mine was his mom. I feel terrible that I couldn’t get him well. I know I tried. One day at a time. We’ll see where it goes. Prayers for peace.

 

We are truly lucky to be part of an amazing profession. My son's name was Michael. I love that name. Because we work in a job that heals, we often feel all outcomes are going to be good. I have lots of moments when I second guess what I did and didn't do for my husband those last few days. I often think I should have made him go to the hospital instead of letting him stay at home. Maybe they could have saved him. That's something I'll never have the answer to and I have to live with that. My husband often said he didn't think he would live a long life and he would go first. He would have turned 65 in November. Both of his parents lived past 70 so I would remind him of that. He was ready to go for some ungodly reason. I don't understand it but I have to accept that the last years we had were good. I remember him telling me that what he found attractive about me was my strength and courage. I never saw myself that way. Since he saw me that way, I feel I have no choice but to be as strong as I can. He had a local radio show on Sundays playing oldies and R&B. I have copies of each of his shows. Tonight my son was moving my car and one of Walter's CD's was in the audio player. My son said he couldn't bear to hear his father's voice. I, somehow find it comforting hearing him. You will find something that brings you a measure of comfort in time.

 

I just got home from work. It is always difficult to get out of the car. Sometimes I have to sit here a while. I just read these lovely messages so now I have had myself a cry and I feel a little better. The things we see are powerful. It is such an honor to share the most intense moments of someone's life-the beginning and the end. Sometimes those come way too close together. I think somewhere in my mind I thought if I grieved enough for my patients...if I shed tears for them maybe I would be immune from it. Collectively we have all seen a lifetime of tragedy, but what we do for others is what feeds our souls. I want all of my compassion and love for others to return. I am not used to being the one that needs it. These messages have helped so much. I am looking forward to fall and the chance to hibernate and heal. I wish I could see some fall leaves and snow. Probably not going to happen in Arizona though...

 

Home is not a good place for me either. So I walk. Talking to you here had given me the most peace I have had. It makes me think just maybe I will get through this.

 

We are using double masks, N95 and surgical, a hair covering and if + we add goggles and a face shield. As if I was not already suffocating!

 

Long day I'm sure. I love getting your messages. We are all not used to being powerless. The nurse in us wants to be in control of our situation so this is extremely difficult for us. I went to a doctor for the first time in several years. I was teaching a lab on vital signs to first year students and had them check my blood pressure. It was 170/100. I knew I was stressed but didn't realize just how much. I checked it several more times and it was still in that ballpark. I knew I had to do something. I didn't know of a PCP that I wanted and that stressed me even more. So I finally find a provider. He says "we really need to keep an eye on your blood pressure ". I told him tearfully that just coming to his office was hard. I've managed to take care of myself pretty well without meds but now I know I need something to get my BP under control. I also called a psychiatrist because I needed some help with the depression and anxiety I was experiencing. It was hard to ask for help but I have to do something to get a handle. It has not been easy to take meds and do therapy but I want to get better and I know I need help to do that. The cooler weather here does help me sleep better lately. It's been 5 months that he's been gone and it's been rough traversing all the things that have to be done. He left no will, a chunk of debt and not alot of life insurance so it's been quite stressful. Work, as you said, is a welcome distraction.
You are in my prayers my friend. Try to unwind and get some rest. I'll check in on you tomorrow. Hugs from the Carolinas!

 

I'm sure home is difficult. My son asked why we didn't move. This was our home and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be.

 

Oh my!!

 

I hope your blood pressure gets under control. Stress will definitely have us out of wack and we not even realize it. I glad you conquered your gear of not going to doctor. Work and my kids is a welcomed distraction but there is so much to do with hardly any time to do it. Hope u relax and feel better

 

Thank you. I'm trying to learn the word that most of women don't know - NO! Most of my life I've tried to be that woman who could "do it all". Job, family, outside business. What I didn't know was that my life was out of balance. They say sometimes God has to break us down so that we can be built back up. I'm trying not to break down on so many levels and trying to do whatever I can like taking medication, journaling and saying no to things that aren't essential. With any luck and God's help, I won't have to be on meds for the rest of my life. There's so much to do as you said and definitely not enough time to do it. Hopefully I can go back to sleep, its 3am for Pete's sake.

 

I had a hard time alwwpingblast nightbtoo. I think that our minds are on such a roller coaster til we couldnt sleep. I hope you were able to go back though. Sometimes God gives us warnings before things get too bad. I think your warning was the blood pressure being high. So I applaud you for paying attention to it. Sometimes when we so busy we ignore signs or just dnt see them. Have a blessed day

 

You have a truly blessed day as well. Late for work, lol. Thank God for virtual learning. My students wouldn't appreciate waiting for me to wake up and get myself together, lol. Despite that, it's going to be a great day. Putting it out into the universe. Hugs from the Carolinas