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This grief is going to kill me

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by RNgirl, Sep 6, 2020.

  1. Howlingdawg

    Howlingdawg Member

    went waist size 38 to 32
    read the eating blog, tonight i try harder. I find if i chew and can't swallow in a certain time i have to throw it out. Acid reflux gives me occasional choking fits, taking Omeprozole.... helps.
     
  2. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hello Howlingdawg. So sorry for the loss of your wife. It is so hard to lose our spouse, best friend, lover and the future we had planned. At just 4 months in from such a loss the pain is still raw and engulfing. I remember just going through the motions of what I had to do. Didn't feel like eating at all but knew I must. I think I ate the same things over and over but made sure it was healthy stuff. Everyday that you eat something good for you, go outside to walk and get fresh air, and sleep when you can, you have done enough. Just do one next thing. Play your piano for hours and cry all over the keys.
    Time will help. My husband died in October 2019. Just passed the anniversary. It does get easier, you learn to live with it. I still have days when I miss my husband and our life together so much but at last can see that life has more in store for me.
    I see you are living in Mexico. My husband and I used to go to San Carlos just across the water from Baja. We loved it.
    Take care. HUGS
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re welcome. It’s nice that you got to chat with one of Michaels close friends. Talks like that are very helpful for both people. He’s a good friend. I agree it’s smart to go in and try to stay on task, do what you need and if it’s terribly hard, take a break. I know with me and our shop it was very hard. I know what you’re doing is different then then closing a shop. But it’s very personal and lonely and scary. I started looking at closing the shop as something needed to be done and in the end I felt stronger for doing it. Thankfully we had had a conversation about what we would keep and what would get tossed. I used that as my guide.
    I hope a visit with his sister goes well and you can support each other without the interference of his brother. I hope his brother doesn’t live close.
    And we can hear our husbands, we know their thoughts and what they would be saying to us. So follow Michaels lead. Praying it goes well for you. ❤️
     
  4. Howlingdawg

    Howlingdawg Member

    Thank you for your words. i played the piano for an hour, swept/vacuumed/dishes/stove, this afternoon we went swimming in the sea of cortez, beautiful
     
  5. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Those are great accomplishments for one day. Be kind to yourself and do what makes you feel better. Sometimes it is just one minute or one hour at a time. I watched old westerns, baked bread, cleaned the kitchen, walked the dog, and vacuumed. Trying to do some soul searching about what will make life more meaningful going forward. Not sure yet but it will definitely be in some capacity of helping those who are less fortunate than me. Some days will be better than others. Praying for peace and calm for all of us.
     
  6. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Yes we had a good talk. I think he had genuine love for Michael and is loyal. I am trying to look at the trip to the house as something I need to get done, I do have a list of things I need to do there. I don’t expect it to be easy at all. I will certainly miss him being there with me, am hoping that one day it becomes a place of peace and solace. I’m also looking at something I am doing for him. I am cautious where his family is concerned, we were on pretty good terms when Michael was here, but it seems that everyone is way too interested in what i am doing with his belongings. I would trade it all to have him back in a second. I get so upset and angry when I think about his family questioning our relationship, my motives and especially the depth of my grief for him, as if his belongings make it all ok. He always told me he didn’t want people fighting over his stuff, he must have had an inkling this was coming. Or more than an inkling. Appreciate the kind words and support. Praying for strength.
     
  7. Howlingdawg

    Howlingdawg Member

    A neighbor down here how once did medical stuff came by and it was a very good talk.
    Just 4 months: you are doing extremely well (some mention of no suicide is a good thing, but I promised Karen i would not)
    Every day there are many hills up and down.
    He had PTSD from Vietnam and lots of counseling, he knows, I'm trying to set something up for next week. Ate fish lunch, big improvement, not that much but better than not eating. I told him about this list, in a way depressing to know it can last so long, but then good to know what is going on with me is "common", "expected", i don't know what word to put there.
    Brought sourdough starter here to Mexico, fed it, I think bread is in the future......
     
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    That’s a good way to look at going to the house. No option, I have to do this so I will. I pray for you that, this vacation home somewhere down the road does become that special place, that place to visit and feel peace.
    It’s sad there’s so much greed instead of support for you, and honoring and missing Michael. It’s sad their heart isn’t in the right place. Maybe he did feel this situation would happen. No one deserves anything unless you feel they do.
    I’ve said those words too. I’d give up everything to have Ron back.
    Make sure you come first. You’re important.
     
  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks, tried to get a few things done today, listed accounts and tried to get values placed on things. I really hate doing this, each task is so emotional. Getting WiFi at the house so I can get some sort of monitoring in place. Didn’t sleep well last night, wouldn't say nightmares, but just the image of him on his last night struggling to breathe. Woke me up a few times. Prayed. This is the second time that has happened, the last time was a couple of months I think. I did exchange texts with Michael’s nephew yesterday, pretty simple but friendly enough. No mention of his father (Michael’s brother). Trying to be strong by focusing on better memories and praying as much as I can. Seems to be that grief support articles help a bit so that too. Feeling like I have a heavy heart today. Back and forth, one day at a time.
     
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Doing these things is very emotional and just adds to the pain. I’d say that was a nightmare you had and why you’re experiencing a heavy heart today. You’re the third person today that I’ve read is having an extra difficult day. I’m sorry. Things will eventually feel better, and less nightmares. You're doing what you need to do and pushing through. Michael would be proud.
     
  11. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    I'm so tired of pushing through. This is hard and I see no end. For a year I've been strong, mostly positive, did all the things that needed to be done, supported my daughter in her grief, supported my brother when his dear wife died.... I need to have another surgery on Nov 3rd. Just six weeks after the last one. I want love, joy, and laughter....a reason to keep going.
     
  12. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I’m sort of preparing myself that these things are going to add to my emotions. Taking them slow and using your advice that they are ‘need to get done’ things. A few a day til I can’t. Also adding in one thing to reach out to someone to do something kind, which makes me feel better in general. I know Michael appreciates what I am doing for him. No doubt that he would have stepped in if he were here. He also knew I was strong. Thanks for your encouragement, one day at a time.
     
  13. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Oh you sound like you are feeling blue. Yes you have been strong and positive and I have admired that, it has given me hope. I am amazed at how grief takes over at times and just takes you down a path of sadness without warning. You have been through a lot. I will make a note to pray for a successful surgery and recovery for you on the 3rd. Keep going, a little at a time.
     
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  14. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Thank you JMD. Yes, yesterday was one of the bad ones. Spent most of it crying and generally feeling sorry for myself. I babysat two of my precious grandsons, 2 and 5 years old, for the weekend. I think they wore Grandma out. Being physically fatigued along with the stressful news that I needed this surgery knocked me for a loop. After a good sleep last night the world looks better today. Goes to show how much being overtired lessens our ability to cope.

    Today I slept in, made a yummy breakfast, and generally pampered myself. This afternoon I went to town and accomplished a few errands. We will all be OK. Not everyday but most of them. Thank you again, your caring was just what I needed.
     
  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Ainie,
    I’m so sorry you had a rough day and to hear you need another surgery. I am however happy to hear you bounced back and today is a better day. Sorry I missed your first post, I was t having the best of days so wasn’t on much.
    I’m glad you’re pampering yourself some and got out today. The world looks a little better after sleep and fresh air. I got out this afternoon too and ran errands.
    Praying your surgery goes well and have a speedy recovery.
    ❤️
     
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  16. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Thank you Robin. Sorry you too were having a bad day. They come and luckily they go. Getting out really does make a difference doesn't it?
    The surgery 5 weeks ago was for an implanted defibrillator, heart arrthymia runs in my family. Next week I need eye surgery...it scares me...I have one lid that turned inward and lashes are scraping my cornea. My Dad was very fearful of anything happening to his eyes and I think I learned the fear from him. Hoping it goes well.
     
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  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you! And yes, getting out and moving makes such a difference. Amazing how it turns things around.
    Ok, so you have some things going on. But you came through the defibrillator implant well, you’ll be successful with the eye surgery too. Ron had that same fear you mention about your Dad. That sounds like it’s very uncomfortable. Here’s a little story that might make you smile. My Mom needed cataract surgery. I took her for her surgery and got her back home and then back for her recheck. After the recheck I’m driving her home and she’s saying, “wow, look at the tree”, “ the trees look so beautiful”! In my mind I’m thinking, she couldn’t see trees! Omg! I say to her, Mom, you couldn’t see trees?? She answers, well yes, but they’re so clear vivid and beautiful now. I laugh now when I think of it but back then, she was driving my young children around.
    You got this, and prayers are coming your way.
     
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  18. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Well I finally did it - I went to the Outer Banks yesterday to check on Michael’s house. I was dreading it, afraid of the painful emotions that I knew would come. The ‘friend’ that was going to go with me backed out at the last minute. Really upset and not sure what I should do. Another life lesson. I had made arrangements to set up WiFi there so that I could put security in, and was feeling nervous about postponing because of his brother’s aggressive behavior. So...I pulled together all of the courage I could find, told myself it was something I had to get done (thank you, RLC) loaded the dog in the car for a four and a half hour ride and went. I have always found driving by myself in the car to be good time spent alone, calming time to think and clear my head. So the drive was ok.
    Arriving into town and seeing all the landmarks and places where we used to go, the place where he asked me to marry him, was really hard. Sadness and tears. I got to the house and checked on everything, went through some things while I was waiting for the technicians to arrive. Some moments of panicky ‘you’re never going to be here with me again’ feelings. Everything seemed to be as we left it. Overall, I felt close to him and a lot of the memories we had. When the work was done, and I was sure the house was secure, I packed up and drove back. I was feeling like it was too much to be alone there overnight. Several hours in the car to process. Proud of myself, sad, tears, everything. But I did it.
    Today, I am blue but keeping busy, mostly feeling sad that he isn’t sharing anything with me anymore. Sad that I am making breakfast for myself but not him. Tired of missing him and just feeling exhausted from yesterday’s emotion.
    Trying to take it easy on myself today. Thanks for listening.
     
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  19. Bubbufat55

    Bubbufat55 New Member

    Hi I lost my friend and partner just last month. I understand, trying to do normal everyday things is difficult much less having to take care of their personal things. Ether move them forward or figure out what to do with them. I'm always missing him and still don't believe I'm living life without him. Everyday is empty. Feeling lost.
     
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  20. ainie

    ainie Well-Known Member

    Hugs JMD! And also a hearty "Well done". It is so hard to have to deal with things that hold so many memories. You did it and you also set such appropriate self-care boundaries.
     
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