It started at age six when my mother died of breast cancer. The next was when my Nana, who helped raise me after my moms passing, died with me right in front of her. After that, my Grandmas sudden death of a heart attack. And then, my Poppy’s death. Each of these individuals shaped me into who I am today. However, their ghosts still haunt me. The loss of the most important people in my life has left me with severe abandonment issues. I fear every day that I’ll receive a phone call from someone telling me that my father is dead. I fear that I am awaiting the message that tells me my best friend of 20 years has committed suicide. I fear when my fiancé doesn’t call to tell me he will be late coming home that he has been in some sort of an accident. I want to accept the tragic fate of our fleeting lives. I want to accept that so many loved ones are gone. I want to accept that I have to move on. I want to accept my grief.
ugh, I feel like I can relate. I lost my Dad in a freak accident in 2007, my partner's son to suicide in 2008 and my ex-husband to suicide in 2013. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I call it catastrophic thinking and I wonder if it's not related to PTSD. Now the biggest fear I have is that my son will commit suicide. I feel like I could handle just about anything but that....
Krisstmas and CedarTree, I am very sorry for the losses you have experienced in life. There are no words that will truly encapsulate your losses, but at least I can understand your losses are hard to overcome in life. I want to also share with you just some of my losses, not all. Over the course of my marriage, both my wife and me suffered many losses, (her), 2 brothers, 1 sister, parents and grandparents, (me) wife to cancer, parents, grandparents, uncle to suicide, aunt to unknown illness, 2 more uncles to heart attacks, sister-in-law, coworker to enemy 122 rocket in Vietnam, coworker to another driver in Okinawa, and on and on this list goes. The point for me is, as both my wife and me lost someone, we consoled each other, and of course military members. For the longest time I had become sort of frozen in time. I was unable to visit gravesites due to the memories they would bring forth. I have more than one friend on the Vietnam memorial wall in Washington,D.C., some high school and club members and some new friends. Eventually after many losses and funerals I found it hard to come to grips with the totality of it all. I saw those I knew growing up pass away, those additionally in high school die to car accidents and eventually you just STEEL yourself to loss for fear of losing sight of reality. Some of these deaths were instant, others were the slow walk into Death Valley, and still others there were no answers. I thought long and hard while overseas in the military on such occasions of losses. There were no easy answers, no tissue that could permanently wipe away the tears or any words that could mend my heart and mind. I will say, because I had so long with my wife Nadine before she passed she actually helped me face her death and others I had experienced in life. She had reckoned her coming death with God, and helped me face it as well. Sure the tears and heartache are unending, but seeing how another handles their coming death is a gripping experience. I will never forget her loving gaze and her words or encouragement. All I can say is even with all these losses in life, I refuse to give up. I am not done with life yet. So please never give in to despair, never feel like you are alone in life, and above all else, if you need help or someone to talk to, please reach out. Peace be with you both - david
