The Blurred Line Between Unconditional Love and Enabling- Losing my mother after years of addiction.

I am not sure what I am doing here, exactly, but I know that my current coping skills are not helping me process the sudden loss of my mother. I feel like my mind is a hamster wheel and no matter how fast I run or how hard I try to move on, I end up in the exact same place. Questioning my last moment with her when she told me she had an intuition that this visit would be the last time she saw my sisters and I. The moment I walked towards her to leave and rather than reach out and hug her, I made a choice to walk past her and just tell her I loved her. I was angry. I was angry that the visit was spent with her sleeping on my couch while her grandchildren played around her and wondered what was wrong with her. I told myself that after 33 years I deserved better, but my kids deserved to the best and I did not want them getting hurt like I had. I justified my actions as a right of passage and everyday it replays in my head. She was sleeping a lot, she was sick and had taken to many prescription pills. She was dying. Right there on my couch, she was slowly slipping away. Had I known..... I won't go there because I didn't know and there is no benefit in "what if" anymore. The glimmer of hope that our relationship would get better and I would get my mom back, the one who loved me unselfishly when I was a small child would return. She physically died along with the tiny hope in my scarred heart.

 

I have the same feelings. I lost my fiancee April 7th. I saw him the night before and we argued we calmed down and as he left he reached out and touched my arm. I pulled away and he dive off. He called 10 min later and sounded fine said he'd be home later on that night but never made it.
I struggle daily fighting off the what ifs. And the if only I had or hadn't......

 

I am so sorry for both of your loss l just lost my soulmate the love of my life to an overdose on June 3rd. I came home from work and found him dead l never knew he was using heroin l work 3rd shift at a hospital and when l would get home in the morning he would be fine the last night l saw him before he died l was angry with him l knew something was going on l just didn't know what l usually kiss him before l leave for work l didn't that night and just left loosing someone you love to addiction is devastating