Thank you notes

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Angelina, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. Angelina

    Angelina Member

    It has been 3 months since my dear, sweet man left this life and me (November 2018). It was about 4 months from diagnosis to his passing. It was bad - terrible screaming pain. We have grown and gone children so I am alone, although the kids have been good about checking in and we are all doing our best to support each other. He was a popular guy. I received hundreds of condolences and I haven't been able to bring myself to open them let alone start the thank you notes - there are going to be hundreds of those too. I am very thankful for all the support these friends generously gave us but I can't get going on it. Has anyone else experienced this?
     
  2. ksteve

    ksteve Member

    Angelina, my wife passed in November as well. I actually took just the opposite approach and enlisted the help of my kids and got on this within a week of her funeral. I just wanted to get anything related to cancer behind me. We battled this for almost two years with some ups but mostly downs. Cancer became the bad guy and remains that way still today. I jotted down several responses before I started and used the ones I thought were appropriate. For some of her close special friends I actually wrote considerably more. It wasn't easy and the tears flowed non stop. I'm on a mission to keep our memories fresh in my mind and a comfy place for her in my heart. All the tasks (i.e. financial, funeral planning, etc.) became nothing more then a job that I had to do. Writing thank you's is important but even more important is the memories and love you had for your husband. Schedule some time and tell yourself - time to go to work and start with maybe writing 5 thank you's. It gets easier as you go. If your kids can help, that would be fantastic.
     
  3. Angelina

    Angelina Member

    Steve, thank you for the response. I guess you have gotten me started because this is my first thank you note. I have time this weekend and I have promised myself that I will try. The kids are all out of town so it is on me. I think you are right and just doing 5 or so a day is a reasonable expectation. Thank you again.
     
  4. Imgsm

    Imgsm New Member

    I lost my husband to cancer in December 2018. After his passing I stayed in the house, ate junk instead of cooking and did nothing but cry all day and all night. One day I looked in the mirror and realized I looked real bad. I approached my life like a job. I got me cleaned up, hair and nails done. Next was clean the house and went grocery shopping. Pay bills and start writing those thank you notes. The notes were very hard to write. I cried with each note so I did about 5 a day until they were done.
    I am retired and before my husband got sick I worked at the local high school and several elementary as the sub for the secretary. I called them and let them know I was ready to come back to work. I was working the next day. I REALLY DID NOT want to do any of this. I wanted to stay home and cry. I MADE MYSELF DO THIS. Going back to work was the best thing I could have done. I see people and talk with them and enjoy smiling again. I am eating better, sleeping better and life seems and little normal again. I still sometimes cry all night long and miss my husband so much it hurts but I am slowly moving on. My thoughts are with you, good luck. Patricia
     
  5. ksteve

    ksteve Member

    Patricia, what a great reply. It seems that those that are grieving and have jobs seem to reintegrate into life (or at least start) much faster. I'm retired and the days can get long and empty at times. I've held off working or volunteering as I most likely will be building a house this summer. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting the love of our life. As I've mentioned several times on this board, you need to find a place in your heart and mind for your spouse, but you also need to continue living - it's what are spouses would have wanted.
     
  6. Imgsm

    Imgsm New Member

    Steve, thank you for your reply. I have a motto I say every morning when I look in the mirror. I will never get over this but I will make it through today. ( I have loved him since I was 12 years old. I know,I know too young right? But the heart wants what the heart wants! We were married 52 wonderful years.) I am cutting this short as I am crying again.
     
  7. Angelina

    Angelina Member

    Just wanted to report that I did 13 thank you notes last night and read the first stack of condolences. It was a sob-fest but I got through it and it feels good to have finally started. Thank you for the support and giving me the motivation to get going.
     
  8. ksteve

    ksteve Member

    Yes it definitely does feel good to be moving forward. Just remember, there will be good days and bad days - hopefully the number of good days will increase. This is not an exact science so go at your own pace. And don't feel guilty thinking about yourself and your future once in awhile. For me cooking has been a challenge - chocolate chip cookies that break your teeth and macaroni and cheese that I forgot to add the milk. Sometimes I just look up to her and shake my head with a quirky smile. Who knew following a recipe could be so difficult!
     
  9. Angelina

    Angelina Member

    I know what you mean about cooking. When my husband was with me I cared what he ate so I made healthy meals. It is very hard to get motivated to cook for one even if you have been cooking. I can imagine it is that much harder learning how to and dealing with the sadness. I hate to think about my husband cooking for one. If I wasn't there to cook he would eat peanut butter on a fork. I found taking the easy approach helps me eat better. I buy bagged salad mixes and rotisserie chicken or turkey. That way I have a few meals and can make salads and sandwiches. One batch of spaghetti sauce with meatballs or sausage goes a long way if you freeze. I also make a big pasta salad every couple of weeks with lots of vegetables that I can eat all week. I buy chicken or turkey cutlets and cook those up with stuffing or rice. I'm a terrible baker so I can't help with the cookies.