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Tell me about your person

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by skies24, Jul 13, 2020.

  1. skies24

    skies24 Well-Known Member

    After you lose your person no one wants to talk about them. But here. Let’s talk about them.

    Sabrine. My absolute best friend. She had this eye roll. She thought I was a hypochondriac (which I am). She was captivating. Listened like no other. She has been though so much but yet cared so deeply about my little problems.

    She was 32. We had plans. We had a blast together. We came from two different worlds. We met in the middle where things were just getting good. I miss her. And I hope she is happy wherever she is. She better be there with a drink hand for me who get there someday.
     
    KatyEmily, Jonathan5757 and Liley773 like this.
  2. Anjadim

    Anjadim Member

    Joey was great. If you asked anyone, he had the greatest smile. He was patient and kind to everyone. He treated me like a queen. His love for me was beautiful. We use to go to special places that we would call our own. Sometimes he was a pain in the ass and I would let him know it. He would laugh and say, but you’ll never meet a pain in the ass who loves you like I do. I could never be mad at him. Most importantly, he made me laugh. I would look at him and think how lucky I was to have him. I miss his smile, I miss him terribly.
     
    KatyEmily, Liley773 and skies24 like this.
  3. SallyD

    SallyD Well-Known Member

    My brother, Jordan, was funny and kind and he looked after me because I have a lot of thyroid trouble that doesn't do well with the medicines
    they have. I tried to look after him, too, with whatever I could do--but I guess it wasn't enough. I miss him so much--he was the last close family
    I have, and he was there for me every day. A couple of family friends are trying to help with my situation, but it's not the same without Jordan.
    He had a real spark to him....always had something going on, and could find fun in just about every hard situation, which we had a lot of for
    so many years. His liver went bad even though he didn't drink (I think he had thyroid trouble like me, but they didn't catch it early enough and
    treat it, and this made his liver not work right.) We were so close to getting him a liver transplant--that's one reason this is so hard. He almost had
    the surgery on March 12, but they cancelled it at the last minute and said the donor liver wasn't "a good fit." But don't worry, another will come
    along, soon. It didn't...and Jordan passed away on March 12. Jordan would be really pissed off that I worked so hard to get all kinds of things in
    order to get him on that transplant list (because we're low-income and that delayed things), but it didn't work out. He would be mad, with me, at
    how everything happened--and I miss him so much to share both the big things and small. It's not fair. He deserved better, and I wish he was here.
     
    KatyEmily, skies24 and Liley773 like this.
  4. SallyD

    SallyD Well-Known Member

    Meant to say my brother Jordan passed on March 31, 2020. I can't find how to edit these posts, if that's possible.
     
  5. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I can relate SallyD. Let me say that I seriously doubt that he would be mad at you for anything. Seems you had a very close relationship. I'm sure that he was aware of everything you were trying to do to help him. Maybe a little angry with himself/body for putting you in a position to help him like that. I work in a medical clinic. I know when patients aren't feeling well it may seem that they are pissed off at you but it's not the situation. They are focusing on themselves in the moment. Trying to get to feeling better. They don't mean to be upset with you. Maybe this was the way Jordan was feeling with you. I believe in God, and Heaven. My thought is that when you get there, you are healed and look at things here differently. Jordan, I hope, is well now and trying to help you deal with all this.

    It sounds, like us, that you have been through alot. I'm sorry for you also. I know you are sick as I am of hearing that. The "I'm sorry"... It's been about 4 mos for us both. My husband, Jerry left me, on 3/19/20. 6:42am. Saddest day of my life.

    Things really went south on us in 2017 when my husband had an aortic valve replaced. That went fine but he had lung complications with fluid that kept him in the hospital for while. They'd fix it and it would come back. After that, afib kicked in and he was treated with an ablation that gave him a left sided stroke in 2018. 2019 plagued with all kinds of balance issues and falls. 1/6/20 he was having pain that mirrored a heart issue. Come to find out....Liver tumor. His ammonia levels were going sky high making his balance off. It also affected his mind. They would get it down and he'd be himself. Worked my ass off to get the treatment approved where he wouldn't have to have chemo/radiation. But he was failing so fast by that time, (it was approved and scheduled) that I ran out of time. I saw 'failure to thrive' on his computer screen in his chart (I work for a clinic connected with the hospital so I guess a nurse thought it was ok to show me his chart). She didn't point it out but I saw it. My legs wanted to go out from under me as I knew this was truly the beginning of the end. Regardless what my heart was telling me, my mind hit me with the harsh reality. My husband was dying. Soon. My husband never said he was giving up. His body was. Throughout all of his ordeals in the past 4 yrs and there were many... He never spoke about giving up. Then, the dr had "the talk" with me that you never ever want to hear from the dr. Then left me alone with Jerry, who was sleeping, my thoughts, prayers and emotions....I made the decision to bring him home to be with me, the 5 furbabies and mom. I couldn't think beyond that moment. I didn't want to.....He stayed with us for 2 days, 6 hrs and 42 min.... then my whole world died...

    I can say one thing that I don't let myself feel guilt for, is that I KNOW in my heart, soul, everything, that I did everything possible to keep him here as long as I could. I firmly believe if we had gotten him the cancer treatment that he would've been here for at least maybe the 5 hrs the dr said or longer because it's up to God. But, unfortunately for me that wasn't God's plan. I hope that if you think about it very hard, that you did everything in your power to help him and you can at least feel some relief about that.

    Now I surround myself with pillows, lap blanket, wall pictures that I special ordered of all of them. They have their pictures on them. I have the other 4 fur babies to keep me company. I really only have 3 friends, a sister-in-law that is flighty, lies and isn't trusted. I'm toying with the idea of moving her in ONLY because it'd help with the bills, but I really don't want to. She doesn't take the virus seriously as needed. I can't have that because something happens me, my babies will be orphaned. I really only care about being here because of them. I would never do suicide. That is not ever in my thought. I just figure with the virus now, and if I didn't have the fur babies, I would just "exist" until God took me home. I don't think now, that anyone has this figured out.
     
    SallyD likes this.
  6. SallyD

    SallyD Well-Known Member

    Hi, Liley--that was very kind of you to respond to my post, and I really appreciate it. You're right, we've both been through a lot, and it's hard.
    Reading what you wrote is helping me, and I do thank you for that. I know what you mean about the "I'm sorry," and being sick of it, and of
    actually being in a situation where people keep saying it. But I do say it sincerely, to you as well. I really am sorry that you're going through all this,
    and that Jerry suffered through all that he did. I'm sure he was a real good guy, just as my brother, Jordan was.

    I'm going to write more, but in another post to you My computer is messing up a bit with this website, so I'm going to log out and come back. SallyD.
     
  7. SallyD

    SallyD Well-Known Member

    Okay, I'm back. It's true what you said--Jordan was angry with himself for being in this mess, and at his body for not behaving how he wanted. For most
    of our lives, he'd been the healthier one of us and helped look out for me and our mom, who also had a lot of thyroid trouble (runs in our family.) Jordan
    didn't have perfect health, but he was able to get by somehow for most of his years without any prescription drugs, or a lot of doctor's visits. And he
    didn't take well to any of it when he finally had to become a patient, himself. It all blew up in 2015 for us...he started leaking fluid from his legs, and
    he'd gained too much weight in the abdomen. He ended up in Emergency, then as an in-patient for a couple of weeks at the county teaching hospital.
    They said it was all his liver, but I really pressed them to give him more extensive thyroid tests, too, because he'd had symptoms for years that weren't
    being picked up by doctors for this and treated. Finally got a med student to go after a professor doctor to order the thyroid tests--and he did have it.
    But the liver was a big deal, too. Jordan vowed he'd do everything he could to avoid going back to a hospital, again. But he got hard to work with on that....

    I couldn't get him to keep all the doctor appointments he should. Couldn't always get him to take all the medicines/ supplements he should've.
    To be fair, the meds related to his liver were very hard on him--diuretics to knock down some of the fluid that accumulates, and lactulose, later on,
    to help remove the ammonia that builds up when the liver isn't working right. Both drugs make you go to the bathroom a lot, and that was very
    tiring and tough for him. And made it hard to do other things...he kept saying, "going to the bathroom is like a full-time job for me, now."
    So, I get it. I still feel bad that I couldn't get him to go into the doctor as much as he should--but he'd yell at me, and I'd give up for awhile.
    I should've enlisted more people to try to talk to him, but I'm not well, myself, and his two friends both said they did talk to him and he'd
    shut them down on more doctoring. Truly, they need better treatments that are easier on patients for both thyroid and liver diseases (and so
    many other illnesses, as well.) If I make it through all this, one thing that'll keep me going is I that I do some artwork (cartooning) and if I can
    ever get it more popular where I could earn real money from it, I will put money towards the research of better treatments for liver and thyroid
    diseases. No one should go through what my family has with this stuff. I don't have kids or pets to keep me going, but if I could do something
    useful for others to prevent this kind of suffering, that would be something to shoot for.

    It really sounds like you did a lot for Jerry, and he was lucky to have you. I'm a little shaky on my religion, but I am trying--and everyone I know who
    was raised with more religion that me, no matter what religion they are, say that it's His plan how this all worked out, and that I did the best I could
    with what I had to work with, at the time. So I'm trying to get that to stick in my head so I believe it. Not there yet, but I'm trying.

    You're right, too, about "that talk" no one wants to hear from the doctor. With Jordan, I heard it over the phone, like four different times
    from a couple of doctors...we weren't allowed at the hospital then because of the Covid-virus. The first doctor was a short-fused lady doctor
    who was really awful to hear bad news from....I complained about her to a nurse later, and they got a nicer doctor to go over all this. But then
    I got stuck with that mean lady doctor again, later on. And then the nicer doctor, after that. It is horrible to keep getting one awful update after
    another, when just a week or so earlier, Jordan was on the transplant list, and we were waiting for his surgery. I thought right now, we'd be
    helping him with the recovery phase of his transplant. What a letdown, and I know you understand this because it sounds like you went
    through a lot of ups and downs yourselves, with all your husband went through. It just leaves me with an empty, sick feeling, a lot of the time.
    But I'm trying to hang in there....

    I hope you can find a way to hopefully avoid staying with your sister-in-law. Sounds like that would be hard to deal with, even though it'd help
    with the bills. I wish there'd be affordable housing, everywhere, where it was more like a real community--especially for folks who don't
    have good family and could use some good support, whether they have medical issues or have just been through a hard time, emotionally.
    If I was in charge, I'd try to develop something like that. People need to look out for each other more, in everyday life. And I thank you for
    kind of looking after me today, with all you wrote. It does help, and I really appreciate it. Feel free to contact me anytime if you need
    to talk more....I'm not sure how you do it via this website (I'm new), but I'm sure there's a way. Best to you, Liley from SallyD.
     
  8. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    She sounds very nice. Definitely come here to talk to everyone anytime. Some really great & caring people here. Also going through their own problems getting through all this.
     
  9. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    sallyd,
    We need to go to start a conversation and go from there because it will be just us. We can do that tomorrow or you can send me one tonite if you are lonely and want to talk.

    My session went well. He put me on 2 meds and we'll see how that works.

    I really want to answer this but it's 7:16pm and I haven't eaten and need to get these meds in with food. So please don't think I'm ignoring you at all. I just want to be able to address all of this. We have ALOT in common girl.

    Please take some time and I know, it's like saying "I'm sorry" again but try to relax tonite and feel a little less guilt. You definitely don't need to carry that around from what you wrote here. You did all you could Sallyd.

    Be safe and I will get back on tomorrow night. I'm sorry I can't do this tonite tho.
     
  10. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    S
    I started a conversation for us. Look to the top right of your screen and you should see a red dot like you do for alerts.
     
  11. Alicia Tre

    Alicia Tre New Member

    My dad Jose. It’s been 9 months since he passed away from a sudden illness shortly after my 21st birthday. He just turned 53.

    He was such a hardworking person who gave me such an incredible life even though he couldn’t there for most of it because of his job. These last few years I was living with him to help him go to doctor appointments for his failing heart and to just help his life be a little easier around the house. We had always been close but after he moved us out of an abusive home from my mom, he just meant everything to me. Even though it was hard for him to live a normal life I always tried my best to keep him happy and we had always talked about what we were going to do after he got his heart transplant and get healthier.

    He passed away from a sudden infection that had quickly turned into gangrene that eventually overtook him. I was there in the plane with him when they flight for lifed him to a different state from where we lived, I was there when the doctors told him the infection was going to make it impossible for him to get his new heart transplant, thus watching the remaining hope die from my fathers eyes that he was going to one day be able to work his dream job again, and I was there when he made the decision to stop the antibiotics, his heart pacer and all his medication that kept him alive and spend his remaining day in a Hospice center in state that wasn’t his home. He survived for two weeks after that and passed away 30 minutes before I got to the building to visit him after going back home for three day to take care of school.

    I’ve cried everyday since then.
     
  12. Jonathan5757

    Jonathan5757 Well-Known Member