This is my very first post. It's a biography of being a survivor. I lost my preemie Amanda to a brain aneurysm 2/23/06 she was born at 27 weeks on 12/4/05....strongest little fighter who'd come home to live a little loved by more and die. My husband Tony and I didn't talk about her much after she died he turned abusive. Went through hell, but it wasn't my first rodeo, survived getting abused as a child and survived the now 15 concussions survived electrocution, losing a child was much different than losing my spouse at 37. I use that term spouse loosly some days because one day 5 yrs ago he punched my shoulder and have a permenant separated shoulder. Anyhow might have some anger issues we later had 2 more children... My children now , we just experienced their first birthday without their father, he was killed in a motorcycle accident 4/25/18 I didn't get the call till I called his phone three hrs after he'd died. He had almost become a John Doe. I was in shock but it wasn't a hoax he really wasn't walking through the door... Alone in a sea of people that's how I still feel when I eat alone. I have a TBI, PTSD and anxiety. But I have to stay strong for my babies cause I AM A SURVIVOR
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. It is hard when the lost loved one is an abuser because you want them back and you want them to stop abusing you. Anti-domestic violence advocates are always quick to say leave and that the violence will always get worse. In my case, it went the other way. He went from shoving me to verbal abuse in our 18 year partnership. By the time he died of sudden cardiac arrest 8 weeks ago, he was no longer doing that. I would imagine the way you found out he died is one of the hardest things to deal with right now: dying suddenly and no one being able to contact you. It is best if you try to take care of yourself, for you and your children's sake. I do not know if you live in or near a large city but many localities have grief support groups for people who are feeling as you do to listen. Even our best friends do not understand us unless they have been through a similar loss. If you have a smartphone, there are many calming apps you can download. I just discovered this. Since I grew up at Lake Tahoe, I downloaded forest sounds and since my loved one was Native American, I downloaded an app of NA music. Both are so beautiful. There are also beach sounds and all kinds of calming sounds. I will pray for you.
Sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope your are getting help through counseling; as that is a lot to handle on your own.
