Today in New York, the sun is out for the first time in a few days and I really needed it. There is something extraordinary about nature, how it can come to us and uplift our spirit, or bring is down. I am glad the funeral experience felt right. Strange, how in this case, there was comfort in this death experience, in the silence?
Paul, on the inner guidance system, and the way to trust. So much to say. It is a daily practice of meditation that is the core, I think. I've been sitting meditation for several years, starting with only 10 minutes and now, I do about 35-40 minutes daily. This practice has become an essential component of my being, a way to trust myself, and see myself and my experience in the world differently. It is a journey. I started and read on the topic, to read the teachings of the practice helped me to engage with it with intention and with some guidance. I visited a few group meditation sessions, this was nice, but doing it on my own, works best. The ritual involves lighting incense. The fragrance helps me to stay present. Some prefer meditation sounds. The sitting practice is specific and requires patience, as you move a long, trust and strength builds in yourself, in a very dignified way, you sit and are simply yourself in all your pain and glory and whatever and you love yourself and receive the love and acceptance of the energy that is inside you and around you.
As the practice of meditation settles, and it takes time, you begin to transfer the meditative state to your life and interactions with others, and with nature. I can not tell you how much I appreciate having had this training before the death of my husband. I think I might have fallen far deeper into the well of despair if it were not for my sitting practice, coupled with light yoga and some running, to keep the air pumping in my lungs. The meditation, is key.
Trust and letting go, surrender, love-- understanding what that is, what that means, unconditionally -- is a topic of mystery and also the essence of all inner and outer peace I believe. How we love ourselves and love others and what we expect from relationships, who we trust and are vulnerable with, how we are alone and in the presence of others, who we consider our life partner, what to do when we love, fall in love when it makes no sense...
I ramble on. I think its central to grief and loss, the fact of losing a life love, the grappling with this topic and making space for something new, if of course I believe there is love for me in the future. I am young and not so young, but I feel like there is an abundance of love to give, and most people, most people, well I believe are lonely and isolated, whether accompanied or not, and how to love better and more deeply, freely is a good way to consider this experience, as a way to understand all that, and maybe pay it forward
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