Sudden loss while hiking

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by neurochild, Sep 19, 2017.

  1. neurochild

    neurochild New Member

    My sweetheart Raul and I met in a hiking group and had much more than hiking in common. We connected on so many levels! Similar past experiences and the love of adventure. He did not have children and mine were almost launched. I was 7 years older and wanted to downsize, retire and be adventurous. He could retire with me and we could be adventurous together! Finally someone who shared my love of adventure-lets trek though Nepal, ride up to the Arctic Circle, ride down South America, hike the AT, climb the mountains here in the NW. If the weather was terrible we would just have a Geek day, hang out in Starbucks all day and program. Then go home and watch Battlestar Gallactica, drink good wine and whiskey. Get out of town and find some cool museums in Vancouver CA all weekend...........there was always something new to discover. Our motto was "Tomorrow is not promised-let's go!". Had no idea just how true that was until June 21st we decided to explore some trails in my area to celebrate the longest day of the year. About a mile up the trail he fell over suddenly, grabbing onto my ankle very tightly. I will never forget how tight as had to pry his arm off, grab my cell phone and run down the trail to find cell service, yelling and screaming for help the whole way. I had no idea what had happened. I thought he had somehow fallen and couldn't breathe well-we would be laughing about it in the emergency room in a few hours...........but no. Sudden cardiac arrest. He was already gone. Thank God I didn't know. I had to hike all the way down, meet the medics, lead them up and then receive the news. They brought me back to the trailhead where I was further questioned. Then I had to wait for the police to arrive to question me. Then the medical examiner to question me. Finally, 3+ hours later I was free to go, not allowed to see him to say good bye.
    After that his family took over completely. They did not allow me to come to his apartment until almost everything was gone. I told them it was my home too, but they never asked me if anything of mine was there. We kept our backpacking gear together and they took it all, so I can't even go backpacking with our gear, with things that were special gifts to me. His sister has our special things around her apartment to remind her of him. I feel like I have nothing. We were the love of each others' lives.........that eternal love that is forever. Yet I feel like I am the casual girlfriend cast aside. They did not know. They lost a son, a brother. My heart aches for them too. We were only together 1.5 years. But they have years of memories, we had years of plans, future years of adventures together. I don't know where to go, I can't go back to the person I was before him and he was so much a part of the person I became, the person I liked. How to do it without him, I can't find the motivation for anything.
    Last night I was told to stop being a "self-centered victim". I never saw myself as a victim of anything. Nothing was done to me. I am just sad. Is that OK? I cry everyday in my car because I am sad. His loss was sudden and unexpected and I am sad. Can I at least have that?