Sudden Loss of Older Brother

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by evanescent, Sep 4, 2020.

  1. evanescent

    evanescent New Member

    I lost my older brother so suddenly about 2 months ago - it was just a horrible accident that ended -his life when he was only in his mid-20s. So much was left unsaid... I flew out to a different state to see him after it happened but although I saw him in the hospital his brain was so damaged that he was not there. I helped make the decision to take him off life support and watching him die was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I know he technically wasn't even there, it was just his body, but this doesn't penetrate to my subconscious. I have nightmares where I watch him die over and over again, seeing his body convulse just like it did in real life. I have panic attacks where I envision my other brother or my mum dying and just am coated in dread all the time. It is awful and I don't see how I'm going to keep going. It's the only thing on my mind and nothing else seems to matter.
  2. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this....I can't believe no one has answered you yet, so I'll try. I lost my big brother on March 31, 2020,
    and I also had to help make the decision to end was a horrible, horrible thing and I was crying and screaming. His girlfriend and I weren't at the
    hospital, though, because of the Covid-19 virus so all the bad reports about my brother were coming over the phone....the last time we saw him on March 17,
    he was still OK enough to be on the liver transplant list. He was OK enough for about another week....then he went downhill and it was over. It is awful to
    have to go through such things. I'm having a hard time dealing with this, too, especially because I'm not well and my brother helped look after me. Here
    are a few things that are trying to help me, though....because I know you're having an awful time, and I don't blame you. I signed up for this program called
    Grief Share, and even though it is church-based teachings....(and I am Jewish), the workbook and videos they have are excellent, and they have once-a-week
    online meetings where you talk over all this stuff with others. It is only $15.00 for the workbook, they don't charge for the meetings (at least, not with my group.) I"ve been looking at that workbook and the videos a bit each day, and as bad off as I'm doing, I think it does help a bit--at least for awhile. Also, there might
    be some free grief counseling (if you can't afford to pay) wherever you are....I've done a little of that, too. Don't know where you're located, but I think it's good if you can actually talk to someone helpful who has experience dealing with all this.....another good website is called Grief Haven, which also does some online meetings for free....and there is some you'd pay for (you have to talk to them) and they said they won't turn anyone away who can't pay. A good thing about this website you're on is the Live Chat feature, which costs only ten dollars for a year. I've been on that a number of times, and there are some good people on there to just vent out everything to, as they've been through a lot, themselves. It helps to hear what others have gone through--so you know you're not really crazy or anything, you're just grieving and that's normal, if you cared about someone. I'm sorry I'm the only one who's answered you so far, because I'm no big expert or anything, and I still have a lot of trouble dealing with everything. But I wanted you to know that someone on here cares, and maybe something I've said will help in some way. I think you will get through this in time, with the right kind of support. Sometimes, it's just too hard to handle by yourself. Feel free to write again, if you need to you.
  3. evanescent

    evanescent New Member

    Hi SallyD, thanks for writing back. I was feeling really alone when I posted that - especially since I haven't met anyone who has also had to help make the decision to end things. Thanks for your suggestions, I'll check into Grief Share, grief counseling and Grief Haven and see if they are helpful. It sounds like the live chat feature here is also great, and might be something I could benefit from.

    Don't worry about not being an expert or anything - your advice is helpful and I did find a little solace in the fact that you've been through something similar (as awful as it is), it always helps to not feel alone.
  4. SallyD

    SallyD Member

    Hi, evanescent--I'm glad if anything I said might have helped you, even a little. This is such a hard situation to be in...not one we were expecting or
    asking for at all. Especially the part about making the decisions at the end. The hospital kept giving me phone calls in the last few days about how
    my brother was going downhill, and should they do this or that.....and I'm not well myself, because I have thyroid trouble that doesn't respond well to
    the medications I need to take. So I was really just so shaken and broken hearing all these bad developments over the phone (we hadn't been able
    to visit him for almost two weeks at that point, because of Covid-19.) They kept telling me his blood pressure was getting too low and they couldn't fix it anymore, and his white blood cell count was going far too high and they couldn't fix that, either....but when we last were at the hospital last to see him, he was still OK enough to be on the transplant list. It was just so shocking and traumatic to get all these bad reports, and have to deal with all these bad decisions at the end. I got Jordan's girlfriend on the phone to talk to the medical people, too, because I couldn't handle it by myself. I still can't. And that's why I keep looking into all these grieving resources. I know I need help with this, and there's no shame in's a REALLY hard situation to go through, for you and me, both. Yes, please try to find resources for yourself....I'm going to watch a Grief Share video right now, in fact, because I always wake up early in the morning (which it is, right now, as I'm writing), with just a sick & scared feeling about all that's gone on. These videos & the workbook do help me a little, at least for awhile.) And feel free to write me here, anytime....there's also a way to write back & forth on here more privately, if you'd want to....I'm not sure how that sets up, but I write with a couple of others on here, too, like that (they started it going, so I don't know how to set it up, myself.) Best to you.....hang in there, and keep trying to get the best help you can be from more than one source, too.
  5. jennsuegood

    jennsuegood New Member

    Hi Evanescent, oh, I feel for you. I lost my brother just over 2 months ago, and it was sudden and very unexpected, and I watched him pass away. I think you and I are dealing not just with the loss but with trauma. I'm looking for a dog to help me with the trauma, and I'm working with a therapist. I couldn't find a good one locally, so I signed up for Better Help, which is cheaper anyway, and I like my therapist. I'm grateful for Sally D's comments too because that got me into Grief Share, and I have my first group meeting tomorrow.
    Some things that have helped me a little are listening to podcasts about grief and grief books, like "On Grief and Grieving" and "Surviving the Death of a Sibling."
    David Kessler co-wrote On Grief and Grieving, and he has some good videos on Youtube, like this one:
    I also try and get out into nature every day, and when I feel really hopeless I do a simple mindfulness exercise like listing all the things I can see, smell, touch, etc...
    I've lost a lot of people, but this is the hardest I've ever had to go through. I didn't and still don't know how I can go on, but I don't think we have to know that yet. For now, just keep going, be so kind to yourself, and remember that grief is love.