Sudden loss of mother - now caring for father

My mother died suddenly last month and I was the one who found her. Unfortunately, I did not find her lying peacefully in bed - but lying on the floor - already stiff.

While it does not happen as often, that image still haunts me.

We thought the funeral would help as it would give us one last chance to see her in a more peaceful manner. Well, that was not to be. The funeral home botched the make-up so badly that we did not recognize her.

I will never forget my poor father leaning over the casket, looking in and asking "Who is that?"

They were married 61 years...

My father has various ailments and was completely dependent on my mother. That job now falls on me.

I am now trying to decide if I should move him in with me or if I should move back in with him. Either way would require a major change.

I will figure it out eventually. In the interim, however, I am being run ragged with all there is to do.

I also feel a sense of great isolation - which is why I joined this site.

Thank you for reading.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. That is difficult. Do you have enough help to help you care for your Dad? Maybe this sounds silly. But I am hoping that you will take care of you too.

 

Thank you for the comment. It is not silly to suggest I take care of myself. I know I have to do that. The problem is finding the time...

hank

 

I am a caregiver by trade, while you may have trouble finding the time to do so, believe me subconsciously caregiving with no self care will eventually break your spirit, causing deep depression , anxiety, and stress. There are state funded centers ex: DSHS in your community which will pay either you, or someone to help with the load. For your peace of mind please look into this for an option for at least having a healthcare aide to help out for free for AS long as you need their help.

 

Hi friend,
My sister and her husband moved in with my niece because she was exhausted going back and forth trying to help them. He had cancer and died 6 months later. Now my sister who has dementia lives with her and it was truly for the best because she needs help. She can't drive and she has fallen many times. She has her own small apartment in the basement of the house and seems quite content with this arrangement. My niece is renting out their former condo and it is helping her with her monthly bills. If your father qualifies for Medicaid all of his expenses will be paid, even caregiving and nursing assistance. I think that you would be more comfortable in your own home rather than moving in with your dad.

 

Thank you for your response. My father has too much to qualify for Medicaid. He is a veteran, so we are looking into that - as they apparently offer some sort of home care. Sorry to hear about your sister. I hope she is able to get the help she needs.

 

What kind of health problems does your dad have? Is he mobile? How old is he? Was he a Korean war veteran?
We moved back to my home town to take care of my mother. She had lived there 64 years and wanted to stay put. We were there nearly 5 years and it was a huge adjustment for both me and my husband. My mother passed away when she was 89.
I am so sorry that you found your mother the way that you did and that the funeral home did such an awful job on preparing your mom for viewing. It seems like you are going through a very tough time right now especially as the caregiving falls on your shoulders. I hope you have siblings that can help you on this journey.

 

Why did I get an alert this has nothing to do with my Corgi

 

He has heart problems and is only mobile with assistance. Yes, he was in Korea.

I don't know how far you had to move to be near your mother, but I'm sure it was an adjustment. It also sounds like you were there awhile. Did you stay after your mother passed or did you return to where you were?

I do have a brother who lives 15 minutes from my father, but he has his own family - wife, two step kids and his wife's 98 year old aunt. As I am alone, it is easiest for me to take care of my father - even though I live an hour and a half away.

I've been bringing him to my house for a week here and there to see how he likes it - and the caretaker I have coming three days a week.

We will see...