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Sudden lose

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Barry A Garland, Nov 7, 2018.

  1. I'm 59 and lost my spouse 11/4/18 .It was sudden .She had been mentally ill and had stopped eating or drinking any fluids..had her in and out of hospitals the whole month of October. She done better each time but once home she would hardly eat or drink anything..found her unresponsive and started cpr until paramedics arrived but she was gone...numb,stunned and blaming myself for not getting her more help on time..the house we bought now sad and lonely. The pain is indescribable..the guilt of not knowing she needed to go back to hospital is more than i can bear...no longer want to go on.
     
    Boze likes this.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Barry, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I often say there is no good time or good way to lose someone we love, but I find the losses to mental illness when compared to a long term physical disease, can leave the survivor with more questions and guilt. This is such a very new loss and I think you'll need some time to process all that has happened as you try to make your way forward. I find for those who have lost their loved one to suicide, addiction, or because of mental health issues, it can help to be educated about these diseases. For whatever reason it's these situations where we think we should have more control or that there's more we could have done- not always recognizing that there was another person involved who may not have allowed, wanted or accepted any more intervention. After a loss like this there is nothing left to do but go back and second guess every step that lead you here. What I often ask people is this: did you do the best you could with the information you had at the time? Knowing only what you knew then, not what the eventual outcome would be, did you do your best to help your wife in the way you knew how (and in the way that she would allow or accept)? I'm guessing the answer is yes, and while that may bring little comfort right now I hope it's something you can return to as you try to cope with what has happened. Ultimately I'm glad to see that you're reaching out for help as there are others here who can relate and understand this kind of loss. I know it's the club no one wants to join, but getting support can help. I do hope you'll find it here. I wish you all the best~
     
    Barry A Garland likes this.
  3. I feel like i didn't do everything i could and it's all my fault..i feel so low..i failed her miserably..i just want to hold her and tell her how sorry i am but i can't...i don't see a future without her
     
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    I understand Barry and what you're feeling is so very normal and common in loss. Especially with a loss that is SO new...how are you supposed to see a future without her? After only a few weeks, how are you supposed to adapt and adjust to a life that doesn't include her? Our lives often come together, sort of one piece at a time until they create a whole picture that for the most part we find comfortable and predictable. With loss, and especially a sudden loss, that puzzle comes crashing to the ground and suddenly the pieces are everywhere and some have been lost forever. So how do we put ourselves back together, at least in some way? That's a question for down the road, and something that grievers start to work to after some time has passed. For right now there is nothing else to do but grieve, in whatever that looks like for you. I encourage you to find support in your area, through your local hospital, hospice, or faith community. And keep reaching out here- there's no such thing as too much support and I encourage you to find it wherever you can.
     
  5. I will try...thank you
     
    griefic likes this.
  6. I feel to blame i should have knew..picked up on it somehow..so painful
     
  7. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    Barry, a person with a mental illness who is determined to kill themselves usually will. My first partner drank rubbing alcohol to kill himself when I was at an event. We had been together for 20 yrs since I was 20. He was a severe alcoholic.

    Like it or not, people have free will. Sometimes the pain of living with an addiction is too much to overcome. Mental illness, the same.
    Don't blame yourself.
     
    Barry A Garland likes this.
  8. She wasn't determined to kill herself..She told me God told her she was going to live to be 99 .I wish that would have been true...she was barely eating or drinking much .Boost and water and a little oatmeal was all she would eat..she spent her last days in a recliner and didn't want anyone touching her..i should've got her but up and to the er the day before..but i failed
     
  9. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    Actions vs words. She said one thing but through her actions shows she may not have wanted to live any longer.

    Secondly, you cannot let guilt rule your life. I found that out the hard way. My sister came to stay w\me after a hospital visit for pain. Though the doctors at UC Davis, one of California's premier teaching hospitals, knew she was an alcoholic they prescribed her methadone for pain. She overdosed that night on my sofa. I had taken the day off to grade papers and thought she was resting after being in the hospital. I discovered her dead body at 3 pm. Both my partner and father were devastated. She was only 37. Both the special men in my life would be dead w/i the yr and I know my sister's death hastened both their lives. Don't let the what if's , of which there are 100s, rule your life. Talk about it with a therapist. Discuss it w/someone who understands. Write about it. But don't blame yourself. It was her time to go
     
    griefic likes this.
  10. Well it is what is...thank you
     
  11. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    That is pretty much a good attitude to take. When I lost my second partner June 30, I really struggled w/guilt too. Iwasn't ab l e to save him after he had a cardiac arrest in our bedroom. I found out later the par a medics and doc s would not have been able to s a ve him either. He only had a 2 percent chance. Do I wish things were different? Yes. But I cannot change it.
     
  12. Bless you Michelle you have been thru alot ..grieving sucks and no way out of except to let it run is course
     
  13. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    Pretty much. I foubd a helpful book to read is It's ok that you're not ok by Megan Devine. A therapist herself, she lost her partner of 5 yrs in a drowning accident in 2009. She debunks the myths about grieving both from the griever and those around them. It changed the way I looked at things
     
  14. I'm going to get that book
     
  15. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    When I worked I would get very upset if my patients with eating problems didn’t get better. Now I think I was being a little immature. That’s not projecting that you are. You are the loved one for her. But, I can just say that they are infuriatingly withdrawn sometimes. NOT your fault. A little girl kicked me in the stomach when I tried to feed her. God bless you and I hope you feel better soon. Boze
     
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  16. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    It brought clarity to ny situation. Hopefully it does yours as well. Warning: her prose is a bit flowery. As a former reporter, I found it a bit too flowery at times. But considering her audience, those emotional words may be just what is needed
     
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  17. Thank you Michele...
     
  18. Thank you Boze...just never understood why she stopped eating
     
    Boze likes this.
  19. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    I will find it- I’m just feeling a bit set back, and rawly open right now. I’m not always like this.
     
    Barry A Garland likes this.
  20. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    I worked an adolescent eating disorder clinic for teens. Some of the best Doctors in the world have troubles with understanding. I had a problem related to a sibling death. But, it was spontaneous irregularities. It wasn’t conscious bulemia. I’m sure it was nothing as difficult as you have been through. Do you know if she was borderline syndrome?