Spouse/Best friend Loss

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Billfromwa, Dec 8, 2019.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Patricia, I am so very sorry for your loss! You’ve come to the right place. People on this site understand and know exactly how you feel. I lost the love of my life 11/17/18 less then a week before Thanksgiving, earlier that day we had bought everything for thanksgiving dinner. Five weeks later was Christmas, I can barely remember either of those days. And some how I’m still here and now going through the holidays again. How is any of this possible? Ron should be here, he was healthy or so we thought. Had a massive heart attack and 2 hours later my love was gone. Everything is hated now, every decision about everything is on me. We had a business we ran together we were together 24/7. I had to close our business. My life isn’t the same in any way. And I hate it. The crying you mention comes out of no where, the slightest thing, food, a song, a memory anything. And people don’t understand, they expect you to be ok in a short amount of time. I miss my day to day boring life and would do anything to get it back. I do find staying busy is good for me. I’m hoping that working half time eventually is help to you. You’re right our minds feel in a fog and it’s hard to think straight. I keep thinking how and why is any of this happening. I’m still taking things one day at a time to try and get some sanity back in my life. I have a hard time sleeping and as we approach the holidays I’m sleeping less and less which only makes me feel worse.
    Don’t push yourself too hard, and take help that people may offer. The people that say call if you need anything, say you know what let’s plan to have coffee on Thursday rather then thanking them then never calling them for anything.
    Patricia, take care of you!
    Always here to listen, Robin
     
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

     
  3. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    All of us here can relate to what you are going through, maybe this is the only place you can find a group of people who truly “get it”.My heart aches for you because I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my wife, and best friend Janet to cancer on October 18. It has been horrific. But, This site offers us a respite. I have made lasting friendships here. It doesn’t get any easier, but reaching out to the understanding people on this site will help you navigate through the painful process.
    Bless you.

    Bill
     
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  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member


    Bill, how are you doing? I’m struggling. Christmas! It’s really been difficult as we get closer and closer to the holiday. I miss everything but how we spent the holiday and now being alone just feels awful. We both loved Christmas so much, we spoiled each other, Christmas was a magical time of year for us! And now it makes me ache!
     
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  5. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    Thank you all for "getting it". I don't want to drag my children down, though we are a family that communicates well and all of us talk about their dad and how much we miss him. I know that he is so present in his absence, and it is frequently just a consuming pain for me, and I don't like to verbalize that around them. I know I am doing "better than they thought I would" because I can work, and I didn't just collapse into a non-functional ball of despair. I also know I am doing my best work to avoid doing that. I've got a counselor, one I'd been working with for several years before Les' death, so we had an established counselor/client relationship and rapport. That is certainly helpful because he knows how to jump right to the heart of the issue and call me out when I try to minimize the pain of this loss, which I do. I keep thinking how much worse it is for my mother-in-law because she fell and broke her right arm in two places two weeks after Les died and three weeks after Les died, while she was recuperating at his home, the older brother died from a massive heart attack.f She lost two sons and her independence in a three week period. She is now in a rehab center in Houston, nesr the third son, she's 84 and she will likely never be able to live in her home again. She's lost her independence as well, and she is a sharp, intelligent woman at 84.

    I say all of the above in the knowledge that using any sort of measurement of one pain against another is just a false tool to attempt to minimize my own pain. I've believed for decades that Victor Frankel, a psychiatrist who was a survivor of the Nazi death camps, said it best when he said that our pain will fill us and consume us, like gas in a balloon, it takes the space available. I know that is totally true. It is what I would tell a client, so it is true for all of us here, and that is why it so awful to loose our beloved spouses and best friends. We have a huge void in our lives, so the pain fills SO MUCH SPACE. That is what is killing me this Christmas.

    I am feeling the vacancy of Les in my heart, in my soul, in my whole being, and it is such a dearth. I don't have another best friend, and never needed one. Les was my bestie. Now I have to make some sort of peace with this pain so I can learn to navigate life with this new weight inside of me until it slowly leaks out as I replace it with other things. I believe I will be able to replace it with goodness, but I believe it will take time, and there is not limit on the time it will take.

    Thank you always for allowing me the luxury of support, particularly during this devastatingly difficult time,
    Patricia
     
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  6. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I’m really having a difficult time trying to cope right now. I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about dying alone. Janet and I we’re totally reliant on each other, and because of that we didn’t develop many close friendships. All we needed (we thought) was each other. Cancer fouled that idea up. My step daughter is absolutely no help. She didn’t help at all during her mother’s battle with cancer. Everything was completely up to me. She didn’t want to have anything to do with her Mom. She will never help me at the end of my life. I just don’t understand. She is so uncaring. Her Mother was/is an Angel. I could use some of your prayers.
    Thank you.
    Bill
     
  7. Shadow

    Shadow Member

    Bill, I will be glad to pray for you to find some peace in this situation. I know it is tough to feel like we don't have the answers and that the future is unmapped and full of shifting sand. I am sorry your stepdaughter was so ill-equipped to help and be there when her mother was dying. I am guessing she just did not have the skills to scaffold out and grow through the experience, and this left you to manage it alone. That made the entire thing so much worse for both of you, but she would not realize this because she is just incapable of knowing better.

    My husband and I also depended pretty deeply on each other for best friend support and while we'd both built meaningful friends over the years, we moved to Boise 18 months ago and that's mean new church and new community. With Les' death I've needed to depend upon our children and long distance friendships for support....all without my most meaningful best friend. I don't know if any of the ideas I am exploring are good ideas for you, but I will toss them out in case they might help.

    I am teaching the middle school kids class at church on Sunday morning. I had been teaching them before Les died and it has been good for me to continue doing this with just a brief two week break right after his death. I even took the opportunity to help the kids learn how to write sympathy cards because middle schoolers need to learn how to do that... why not show them how? It has forced me to be out of myself and be there for them, and that is good for me. Another thing I am doing is continuing to work, at least part-time. I did qualify for survivor benefits from my husband's social security, starting next year if I keep my earned income below the threshold, so I will only work part-time. I will still be seeing clients and providing them benefits.... that feels good too, even though it does require energy on my part I do get some energy back. If I was not working for pay I would be volunteering. Another thing I am doing is I am joining a choral group that meets on Thursday nights. I sing well and I'd never joined a group because I didn't want to be gone when Les was home. This will give me a chance to extend my friendship pool and keep me busy from 7:00-9:30 on Thursday nights. Maybe I will meet a new friend or two in the process.

    I don't know if any of these ideas sound even halfway interesting to you, but maybe they will spark an idea for something that does sound good to you. If nothing else, take a class at the community college, they are inexpensive and you can learn something you never thought you would or could learn.

    I am telling you all of this in the midst of one of my worst melancholy weekends. A weekend when I've cried and hurt more than many since Les died in October. This has been an absolutely awful weekend when all I really wanted to do was stay in bed, but I didn't.... I forced myself out of bed and out to do errands I didn't even need to do on Saturday, forced myself to be with people today and am forcing myself to respond on the forum tonight. I am doing all I know how to do to be a part of the world because I am not willing to give up, and your post tells me you are not willing to give up either. That is why you keep posting and encouraging others.

    Sending you healing thoughts
    Patricia
     
  8. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

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  9. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Thank you Patricia for your kindness. You’v e given me food for thought.
    I know that your loss is still raw. Just a week afterJanet’s passing, and I know how difficult my journey has been. I pray that you will survive this horrible experience. It seems that helping others is a great idea. My Hospice Grief Counselor, Joanie, has suggested a similar course of action. In the course of my working life I have had the privilege of meeting and working with some very talented and famous people. I have had many people say “you should write that down”. Perhaps I should.
    Speaking of Hospice, they treated Janet with such care and respect that they actually became our family. They allowed me to sleep in her room and be with her 24/7. It took her nearly three months to waste away, and I was with her every step of the way. So difficult. Our Hospice family was so supportive that they cried together with me when she passed. (As did our personal Doctor.) at the end she could only eat pudding or yogurt which I would spoon feed to her, little by little. I will never forget the look in her eyes as I fed her. She was so BRAVE!!!
    I have to stop now. Can’t see through the tears
     
  10. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    You’re enduring unimaginable pain right now. This is something that will be with you for a long time, as I understand it. It’s going to lessen as time goes on, but won’t disappear completely. All you can do is take one hour, one minute, one hour, one day at a time, and solicit as much help from the other people on this site that you can get. I’m so sorry for the pain that you’re going through, and pray that you will get some relief soon.
    God bless you and your family.

    Bill
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Bill, I’m so sorry for you. I’m going through a lot of the same feelings. Ron and I depended on each other for everything also. Didn’t need friends we had each other. I let a lot of friendships be lost cause I spent all my time with Ron. That’s all I needed or wanted. That’s all either of us wanted. However now I’m alone much of the time. Bill, you know I pray for you. I’m so sorry your stepdaughter wasn’t there for you or Janet and still not. I understand how you’re feeling, I go there myself. I’m lucky I have my daughter, she’s been wonderful, however she’s not with me all the time and when she’s not I feel so very lonely. Which sadly is what you’re going through regularly. I’m sorry.
    From what I’m seeing on here this has been a very difficult weekend for all of us. I spent the weekend crying too. I personally find I need to do my best to keep busy, even when I don’t want to do anything at all I do my best to keep moving. Bill keep posting and you have a lot of people here for you. We’ve made a forever friendship and I care about you.
    Sending love and prayers your way. Robin
     
  12. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much Robin
    It really helps to know that you are thinking of me and that I am in your prayers. You and Ron and Stacey are all part of my prayers along with my Janet.
    Try to take care of yourself.
    Talk to you tomorrow.

    Bill
     
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  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re so welcome Bill, I’m doing my best to help you through. Seems ridiculous when Im in the same boat as you. But I try. And actually that seems to help some. Thank you for thinking of me and my family and including us in your prayers. I’ve told Stacey about you, she feels for you as well and is thankful you’ve included her. She loves you and Janet’s love story she’s lived a life of seeing what the type of love feels like. She prays for you as well.
    Try to take care of yourself as well.
     
  14. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

     
  15. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Our interaction is a key element in my day to day survival. I love hearing from you, and knowing that our spouses are in contact with each other is a big plus. I always ask if Ron is there. Sometimes yes sometimes no response
    Please know that you all mean the world to me
     
  16. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Please let Stacey know how grateful I am for her prayers. She’s a winner. A kind and caring soul.
    Bill
     
  17. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I will definitely let Stacey know how you feel. She misses her dad so much! I’m thankful she saw her dad the day he passed. We went to her house to help her out with some upkeep on her home. He loved helping her. Stacey helped us out at our business too. She’s always available to help us and now me. I couldn’t ask for a more caring daughter. She’s pretty much my only support right now. Everyone moves on with their lives which I understand, but they think I should be ok by now. I’ll never be ok.
    I can say with much certainty that you and Ron are very much the same caring men, and also certain if you two could meet you’d get along well. I agree that our daily interactions are a big part of my day as well, and help me through the day. I’m thankful each day that we found each other here.
    Hope you’re sleeping better. Are you eating? I’m having trouble sleeping and eating. Losing weight. I know you mentioned you lost weight while being with Janet while in hospice care. I’ve interacted with hospice, they cared for my father in law in his home in Florida. What wonderful people.
    Take care, Robin
     
  18. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    The care givers at hospice became Janet’s and my family. People were looking out for us 24/7, and the only reason I lost weight was I was always more concerned that Janet was eating so I would forget to eat myself. If it wasn’t for the hospice staff I wouldn’t have taken my pills or
    eaten anything. They are very special people. This is the first Christmas Janet and I have been apart in over 25 years and I miss her terribly. I know you feel the same way about Ron. All we can do is talk to them in our own way and look forward to seeing them again.
    God will show us the way.
    One minute at a time. Bless you and your family.

    Bill
     
  19. Kriss

    Kriss Well-Known Member

    Reading these posts I feel close with you all. My husband passed away this past May so this is my first holiday without him as well. And to tell you the truth it has sucked.!! I have tried everything I could think of to avoid it but nothing helped. I have cried. More tears then I thought possible. He passed away just a week after our 30 th wedding anniversary. He had a heck of a life. 11 years ago he had to have a below the knee amputation due to his diabetes. He was so positive about it. Never did he ever feel pity for himself. He always told people don’t feel bad for me I did it to myself and I am dealing with it. He was a wonderful man and I love him so much. We were always close but with that happening we got even closer. He found out three days before he died he was going to be a grandpa again and this time to a set of twins. He would have been so proud of these boys now. I cry every time I see them knowing rich would have loved to be here for them. And he should have been here to see them. He died of a massive heart attack within three hours of him calling me at work he passed away. No heart issues in his family at all. I don’t know how to keep going. I cry all the time for no reason. Latest was in the grocery store between the freezer section and meat. I miss him so much.
     
  20. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member