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So many things replay in my mind keeps me from healing.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Dwain Mitchell, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Yes Mary, it is not easy. My sisters tell me I can talk to them about anything, not so. Well I can but I have to be so effing positive all the time cuz if I am not, then Satan has me.

    Well they damn well better never ask or expect me to help with the subject of grief. I lose a wife or great lady friend and am sad and it is due to Satan?

    Anyways I just found out Hospice has support groups and will be going to one possibly on Thursday.

    If u want u can text me. I will listen to you.727 204 2767
     
  2. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    Good for you, Ray, that you're thinking of going to a support group. That's wonderful for you!! I have a GriefShare group starting up again at the end of May. I went to my first meeting only 2 weeks after Brad has passed away and it was just much too soon. I'm thinking of trying it again in May. Eeeek. Yes, I have people like that as well, almost TELLING me there is nothing to be sad about. "Satan is whispering in your ear and telling you that you HAVE TO BE sad." Excuse me???? Grieving is not a quick, simple and painless thing to deal with. I've never dealt with anything this complicated in my entire life.

    Thank you for your offer of texting. I have a dinosaur phone so texting on that is time-consuming and tedious. You are more than welcome to email me if you'd like at sternbergmary@yahoo.com NO pressure, it's up to you.
     
  3. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello there,
    I need to ask, you are Mary. . . right?
    Seems Y' s come out as V' s as
    others write me and it comes out as Rav not Ray.

    I met two wonderfull women in grief circles or more like half circles ss that is the way the chairs were set up.

    My first wife Dorothy of almost 20 yrs died in March 2010 around the time Rosie's Mom died so when I went to a grieving meeting, that is how I met Rosie. I did not know if I would go as I knew no one but figured we all lost a love so we all had that in common.

    Rosie was a wonderfull woman I feel God and Dorothy fixed up for me. A nice thought anyway.

    Sadly Rosie passed away April 1st 2016. 4 days later the husband of
    Sofia passed away due to a ruptured aorta.

    So when I was mourning the loss of
    Rosie, I met Sofia who was told about me ftom Jeanette who ran two grief mtgs on the west and east side of town.

    I have had 3 great ladies in my life and though Sofia was the shortest
    relationship, she was as wonderfull as the first two ladies.

    Mom and family knew my Dorothy and loved her.

    But thix is a time to mourn the loss of Sofia and yes the pain of losing her to pneumonia w sepsis and
    the anxiety and worry of will she make it. I was there for hours everyday. Holding her hand, talking to her kissing and brushing her hair
    So that is it for a good while. I just want to properly mourn her loss and let my head and heart rest s good while.

    Wishing you better days is
    Ray G.
     
  4. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    Ray ~ thank you so much for sharing your story/stories with me. I appreciate the effort it must have taken to go through all those steps of explaining how you met each lady and the relationships as well as the losses. If you're anything like me, I have to work myself up to talking about Brad. Reminding myself that I WILL still be alive and OK after I talk about him. No less emotional pain but I will still survive. As with your Sofia, I was there at Brad's side in the ICU for hours and hours for a majority of those 19 days. It was so difficult to see him lying there and unable, really, to help himself. However, I was happy with the time we were together as it gave us a path to (hopeful) closure. One particularly bad day/night I was with him and awake for 32 hours straight. I watched him the whole time ~ whether he was just sleeping or awake and we watched TV together. We were warned not to touch him too much as he had "something" that we could catch (I'm sorry, I've blocked that part out.) We had to wash our hands after each time we went into his room and most of his visitors didn't get anywhere near him. :( But I never followed that rule. I'd kiss his forehead, hold his hand, rub his arm. I didn't care, I needed that connection with him. I knew from the first time I saw him when he was in ICU that it wasn't going to end good.

    Yes, my name is Mary with a WHY!! Not Marv with a VEE!!! LOL! I did see that some people call you Rav with a VEE! Gives a person a little chuckle at least.
     
  5. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Mary.

    Sofia saw me last year as I saw her
    a month and a half ago. I was in last yr. 4 a throat operation. I had a pocket in the back of my throat that food kept getting stuck in. Nerves would make pocket push food out w a good chance of going into lungs and that was a bad thing. Later that night I got a throat infection that began to close up my throat so they got me vented and sedated.

    For 11 days I was basicly lifeless and my heart stopped long enough for them to get a chaplain. By the time they found him, my heart started again without the need to be fibrillated or zapped.

    All the while I was never in pain but was very concious of my thoughts and my only thought was was of Sofia and what she was going through and I was utterly and
    profoundly saddened. I could not talk or even move. Just to watch the spinning green and blue lights on a giant white circle.

    I cry when I think of Sofia sedated and wondering what will happen
    and knowing or feeling she won' t
    Be around much longer. Her sisters
    came to see her. Her brother ratted
    me out to the hospital that We did not get a marriage license cuz if we
    did we would have a few hundred $$ taken out of our s.s. every month.that stripped me of all my rights as a husband and the sisters
    got Sofia into Hospice very Quigley

    In the eyes of God we were married
    though and happily. Her two sisters
    seemed more interested in getting back to work by the 18th of March
    And though dyalysis was starting to work. The doctor scared the two sisters into getting their sister Sofia,
    My dainty dearness into hospice so fast and had no regard for my
    thoughts one way or the other.

    One doc said she had a 40% chance
    of getting out fairly well and with
    good rest would be even better in the following months.

    If it came to Sofia having no
    quality of life, she would be
    better off with Jesus. I love and
    loved her too much for her to
    Be stuck the rest of her days in
    a nursing home and not doing
    what she wanted and getting out
    when she wanted.

    If those two sisters did something
    other for their own reasons and
    not the best for Sofia, they will in
    not long a time have an awfull lot
    of guilt to deal with.

    The friends of our church said
    The sisters gave up way too easily.
    That is what I think but the sisters did not care what I thought
    not give a damn how I felt one
    way or the other.

    So when it comes right down to
    It, I will never really know if I lost
    my wife for nothing.
     
  6. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Well I woke this morning feeling
    quite sad. Today being the 6th of
    May means 5 months ago we celebrated our 1st year together
    and my dainty dearness is gone.

    My heart has not accepted the fact
    my wife has gone and It simply
    cements the thought that we can
    know loss on an intelligent level
    but not on an emotional level or
    matters of the ❤
     
  7. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    So very true, Ray. I couldn't agree more. My heart refuses to believe that Brad is gone and never to return. He and I talked every single day for two years before his passing (except for the time that he was in the hospital - there were a couple days that I had to get back home so I could tend to my job.) I still expect him to call at some point every single day ~ sober or drunk, I'd take that call. Our daughter, Laura, is looking at moving and she had mentioned checking the apartment complex where dad lived. She said it would be nice to be in familiar surroundings and she'd be "ok with" the fact that there would be a lot of memories surrounding that area. I'm sure she's still giving it some thought.

    This past weekend was my son's bachelor party and his fiancée's bachelorette party - held separately. My daughter went to the bachelorette one, of course. Last ight she called to let me know that she got home safe (a three hour drive from where my son lives.) I pick up and the first thing she says is, "Mom, I have to tell you something but first I need to know if you're in a bad mood and if you're going to be mad at me." I figured it was about the bachelorette party and I was right. She told me that she had three beers at the party on Saturday night...then there was silence. Both of my kids have the worry that they'll grow up to be "just like dad" when it comes to alcohol. I have reassured them both that they're no where near what dad was like. It's heartbreaking knowing that my kids worry about how I view their life choices. But...I wonder if maybe that's to be expected. I don't know...
     
  8. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hi Mary,
    When I say, " It is what it is." I am
    by no means trying to be a wize guy
    or have a care free attitude about
    anything. You, me everyone here
    has lost a loved one.

    What I do mean is that as sad and
    heart breaking it is for all of us,
    we know that our loved ones are
    in a better place and that we will
    always have a cozy place in our
    hearts for them. Nothing can ever
    change that, the hurt will lessen
    but there will always be a place in
    our hearts and minds for our
    loved ones.
     
  9. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    I understand what you were saying.

    Surprisingly, to me, my head and my heart are not "getting worse" the closer that my son's wedding is coming. A little more than three weeks and everyone who loves and cares for him and Chelsea will be at the venue - celebrating. I thought for sure I would be close to curling up and hiding from life somewhere in a corner but I'm still upright and kicking ~ actually now fully looking forward to the day - even though Brad won't physically be there.

    My son knows that I'm having a difficult time since dad won't be there but he has talked to me and assured me that he KNOWS dad will be there...the entire day...and that I'll be able to feel him there. I really hope so. Lance also told me that he and Chelsea have something planned to honor dad and all the other loved ones they have both lost. He says he has picked out the song that he and I will dance to ~ dreading it a tiny bit as I know I'll more than likely cry! But that's ok, right?!!
     
  10. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Well yes Mary, we are all human
    with many different feelings.
    Your family and friends will know
    what you are going through, just as they know holidays are another time that you wish he were there
    with you.

    Time to give my dog a bath!
    Bye 4 now.
    Ray G.
     
  11. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    Good morning, Ray. Sorry it's been a while since we've talked. My bad. How are you doing this morning? Any fun plans in sight for the weekend? It's windy here again so I'm not wanting to go outside at all but hopefully it'll calm down and I can get out there and pick up more sticks/branches/twigs in the yard. A majority of the trees that we have here are pretty old and fragile so when the wind blows the branches fall. And it'll be time to start mowing pretty soon so those branches need to be picked up instead of run through the lawnmower!!

    I hope you're doing well.

    Mary
     
  12. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear Mary,
    Just got back from cape cod
    where I took puggy for a walk.
    I am here in massachusetts.
    East end. Beautifull day out
    but still dreary in my heart.

    I have a good bit of anger and
    bitterness. I still believe things
    were done way too fast to get
    my wife into hospice. But the
    2 sisters had the right to do
    what they wanted to do. They
    were in so much of a hurry to
    as I call it," Sweep it under the
    rug."After all work was waiting.
    They also had the law and Gigi
    short 4 gorills girl who is in love
    with the law enough to be a
    lawyer. . . well she was gonna
    get her way no matter what.

    It did not come to her mind
    the doctor could be wrong?
    That could be inconvenient
    for her. Hell she had to get
    back to work.

    On the other hand, her
    brother did me no good
    ratting me out to the
    hospital, so frankly it
    makes me really wonder
    about things. Who knows
    what was really in their
    hearts? Only God knows
    that answer.

    And if it is not the right
    answer, I think someone
    is going to have an awful
    lot of guilt

     
  13. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear Mary,
    No dear you are not bad. I
    meant to say cape cod canal
    where I took my Puggy for
    a good walk, good for him as
    he likes to do the stop n sniff
    thing and I don' t get in a good
    brisk walk that way.

    I did sit where Sofia and I
    sat when we were up here
    in Aug. 2017 so it was today
    a time of mixed feelings.

    I think it's gonna take a lot
    longer to get through all the
    anger I have but it can not
    last for ever. Can it? I do
    not know if it is the hurt of
    loss as much as the quick-
    ness it took place or that I
    am too close to this to see
    it properly.

    I suppose in time, I may know
    but right now I' ll just have to
    Mudfle through.

    And Mary, I want to wish you
    some peace of mind also.
     
  14. Billme123

    Billme123 New Member

    I unexpectedly loss my spouse who I knew my entire adult life.First, I was shocked even though it could have been a possibility.No one under any. circumstances can mentally prepare for the loss of a spouse.My loss is relatively new, September 2019.I cry daily and find solace sitting in my church.It brings comfort and feel closest to him.Hopefully time will heal.He was my soul mate, best friend and the true love of my life.I concur with you all.Its very hard, but we can get through it.
     
  15. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Billme123 Hello. Your loss is new and glad you have a place to be and feel comforted. Our lives ran through our relationship. I will always rate companionship as the number one quality. Second is the admiration that we have for our person. Their qualities of being in life. Their aces covered our duces and our strengths made their lives richer and more complete. I spend a great deal of time thinking about moments and the jot of day-to-day living we did. It is overwhelming to see all those moments. So many needs were met and life flowed with a solid partner. Full to empty.
     
    Billme123 likes this.
  16. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Dwain,

    I am so very sorry for your loss. You helped your wife in her time of need. There is no greater love than that, when you helped her look to you beyond her Multiple Sclerosis.

    It takes great heart when you love someone so deeply to care for them when they are so helpless. All I can say Dwain is you were amazing for her. Don't ever think otherwise. I can see the tremendous loss in your own words, and the moment you wished to stop the hurt deep inside you. I am so very happy you are still with us today. I know missing your wife is so God awful.

    I won't kid you, sure I also withdrew from my life after my wife death. No one wanted to talk about it after the funeral and burial. It was as if you had read a book from cover to cover and it was now over and onto something else. What so many people don't realize is the feelings each of us have after the death of a loved one. By not allowing us to share with them, it bottles us up inside.

    I will never understand how others don't wish to hear about loss anymore. Sure, perhaps it makes them think about their own losses and I can understand how negatively that can affect others. At least on this forum you can share with us, your good days, your bad days, and we will always be willing to listen.

    Lastly, each loss we suffer in life is a part of us that is now no longer with us. We each have to collect ourselves, but never give in to hopelessness, and never let the loneliness overcome you. Tears and sorrow are our way of healing. God Bless and may you have restful days ahead.