So many things replay in my mind keeps me from healing.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Dwain Mitchell, Apr 16, 2019 at 7:31 AM.

  1. I try to stand up and take a step up, just to get knocked back down from memories replaying in my head. Some of the memories you try to forget but it still haunts you. I try and find the best part of her passing, like she no longer in pain....but like this crap that tell me different, She thank me for saving her. "let me explain" when we first met I notice she cuts her wrist and that she hopes one day its deep enough, that one day came just moments before I came to her house. well I save her and gave her a reason to live by loving her, which I really do and she randomly thank me thought our marriage, but she was diagnosed with stage 4 Multiple Sclerosis, and this day keeps replaying in my head and it was the day before she past away. That she stated how much she loved me, thank you for saving me, and I promise I will never leave you that a promise from me to you always have and always will, and it just keeps digging in deeper and deeper as each day goes by. and I know she didn't have a choice to live or die but my heartache will not let up for me to breath before another memory hits me...My pillow is soaked with tears and my shirt while I write this. she passed away on 3/3/2019 there has not been a day I've not cried, I isolated myself for 10 days in the dark and attempted suicide by drug overdose, I just ended up being very sick for a week, and know that's not a good option. I've already have a bad heart how much more pain and hurt will I suffer, it's worth it if it brings back my sweetheart. Anyone else have memories that keep you back.
     
  2. Angelina

    Angelina Member

    Dwain, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. I lost my dear sweet husband in November 2018. There are memories everywhere - in the rooms of our house, the streets I drive down, every time I have to do something that he always took care of, at the grocery store, on and on and on. I guess when you love someone they touch every part of your life. Maybe pain is proportional to how much we loved - if so then I would judge that you loved her very well. I miss my husband terribly and while my memories can make me cry, I am happy to have those memories because they are what I have left that can stay with me. Don't give up. Right now it feels like the sky has fallen but there will be a place out there where the joy of what you had together replaces some of this pain.
     
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Dwain personally I could not imagine going thru that first week again. Ten days for the first shower, thirty days just to eat twice a day. Two months to go to the store. That so painful and so slow return to life. I owe some select friends for any progress I have made. She has her table with picture, sympathy cards, small urn, candles and a letter I wrote to her siblings and always fresh flowers. I finally found her wedding dress and I have taken to touching it. I feel her somehow. As Argeline says so sorry you both had to experience so much pain. Best to you and all of us.
     
    Dwain Mitchell likes this.
  4. Thank you Paul, yeup it's been longer for me to finally to take a shower as my wife was diesable, so when I took a shower I had her with me so that I could ballance her as she took her shower, missing the routine events we shared was one of the hardest thing to embrace, the first one sleeping, last night was the first real sleep I've had since her passing on March 3rd. I'm currently going through all the pictures she ever took to place them on a memorial dvd and I found it helping me alot as it giving my mind to something to focus on and making it perfect as she was to me makes me to finally smile once again. Other hardest thing I had to bare with is doing this all alone, I just retired from trucking so along my way never had the chance to meet friends, til I found this site and find out now I'm not alone. Blessing to everyone and thank you for the support.