So many things replay in my mind keeps me from healing.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Dwain Mitchell, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. I try to stand up and take a step up, just to get knocked back down from memories replaying in my head. Some of the memories you try to forget but it still haunts you. I try and find the best part of her passing, like she no longer in pain....but like this crap that tell me different, She thank me for saving her. "let me explain" when we first met I notice she cuts her wrist and that she hopes one day its deep enough, that one day came just moments before I came to her house. well I save her and gave her a reason to live by loving her, which I really do and she randomly thank me thought our marriage, but she was diagnosed with stage 4 Multiple Sclerosis, and this day keeps replaying in my head and it was the day before she past away. That she stated how much she loved me, thank you for saving me, and I promise I will never leave you that a promise from me to you always have and always will, and it just keeps digging in deeper and deeper as each day goes by. and I know she didn't have a choice to live or die but my heartache will not let up for me to breath before another memory hits me...My pillow is soaked with tears and my shirt while I write this. she passed away on 3/3/2019 there has not been a day I've not cried, I isolated myself for 10 days in the dark and attempted suicide by drug overdose, I just ended up being very sick for a week, and know that's not a good option. I've already have a bad heart how much more pain and hurt will I suffer, it's worth it if it brings back my sweetheart. Anyone else have memories that keep you back.
  2. Angelina

    Angelina Member

    Dwain, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. I lost my dear sweet husband in November 2018. There are memories everywhere - in the rooms of our house, the streets I drive down, every time I have to do something that he always took care of, at the grocery store, on and on and on. I guess when you love someone they touch every part of your life. Maybe pain is proportional to how much we loved - if so then I would judge that you loved her very well. I miss my husband terribly and while my memories can make me cry, I am happy to have those memories because they are what I have left that can stay with me. Don't give up. Right now it feels like the sky has fallen but there will be a place out there where the joy of what you had together replaces some of this pain.
  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Dwain personally I could not imagine going thru that first week again. Ten days for the first shower, thirty days just to eat twice a day. Two months to go to the store. That so painful and so slow return to life. I owe some select friends for any progress I have made. She has her table with picture, sympathy cards, small urn, candles and a letter I wrote to her siblings and always fresh flowers. I finally found her wedding dress and I have taken to touching it. I feel her somehow. As Argeline says so sorry you both had to experience so much pain. Best to you and all of us.
    Dwain Mitchell likes this.
  4. Thank you Paul, yeup it's been longer for me to finally to take a shower as my wife was diesable, so when I took a shower I had her with me so that I could ballance her as she took her shower, missing the routine events we shared was one of the hardest thing to embrace, the first one sleeping, last night was the first real sleep I've had since her passing on March 3rd. I'm currently going through all the pictures she ever took to place them on a memorial dvd and I found it helping me alot as it giving my mind to something to focus on and making it perfect as she was to me makes me to finally smile once again. Other hardest thing I had to bare with is doing this all alone, I just retired from trucking so along my way never had the chance to meet friends, til I found this site and find out now I'm not alone. Blessing to everyone and thank you for the support.
    Ray G. likes this.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Dwain, first of all, let's be grateful for your how do they say it at a crisis center, " a final solution to a temporary problem". Yes, there is a pain so unbearable that is unbearable. Should that condition occur please have a crisis number available and call it. Just a small bit of space that can be provided by a caring and competent individual may lower that pain enough for that so needed space and relief. Somewhere so lost and hard to hear is the voice that says please let me live. It is not easy. There was a poster on this site Chelle51. She also was married to a partner with a severe disability. We wrote for a while. She posted an auxiliary blog. The love she felt for her husband and the fight she went thru are both overwhelmingly beautiful and exhaustively heartbreaking. Perhaps reading for a more neutral Dwain. Not meaning to assume your state of mind, just so powerful material and well written. I had the advantage of knowing her in our posts prior to reading her blog. Yes, this site can and does offer a place to be with like. I tend to think some communities are richer than others and for some, this may be an only option. Some are better than none and a beginning is better than isolation. So happy you are here. I am often so touched by reading the depth and sincerity of persons in the so dark an hour of their lives. Lots of courage and intelligence to face this most difficult period. I am in a space to be a bit more reflective. I strongly know my limits. When I don't know something which is most the time I will seek those who do. Either in book form or counseling, hospice grief groups and just individuals who have a piece of the puzzle. In a conversation or a yoga practice or a host of other well-being, choices are the effect of my mind engaged that can not self talk to oblivion. I am prone to that. So as a trucker how is your back? many I have talked to maybe prior to the air seat have had the effects of repeated impact. I think we seek and add best practices to slowly heal and reclaim. Nice job of caring for your wife by the way. Best to you and all of us.

    Paul M
  6. John a alaimo

    John a alaimo Member

  7. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Dwain,
    I am very sorry for your loss.
    It is the way it is. We will always
    Sadly question ourself and things will keep playing in our minds.
    I have gone through this a few times and it is different each time.

    Possibly what you should do is since you loved her so much, is to know you had a beautiful love for her and would have done everything you knew to help her.

    We wish this or that but you have to know you just an not know it all and be glad for the good times.
    Dwain Mitchell and paul tinker like this.
  8. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Rav G. I think you made some very good points. I had a women point out that I was in a relationship with my wife for many years. She had been thru a divorce and dated a widowed man for a time. That did not so well as he compared her to the departed wife. She went thru an emotional minefield. Her point to me was to know that my wife had given me many Gifts. I spend a good deal of time reflecting on those gifts. The emotional wellbeing of our so connected life is immense. Why her and what made her so unique and wonderful. Spending time answering that question is time well spent. The recognition of how love was experienced and what it looked like and how it felt. Best to us all.
    John a alaimo likes this.
  9. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Thank you Paul, I have to proof read b4 I hit post or send. Thankyou for your kind words.

    I am right now grieving over my wife of 1 yr 2months and 16 days.
    Not only has the rug been emotionally been pulled out from under me but the whole Effing floor as well.
    My dainty dearness passed away on the 16th of March due to double pneumonia with sepsis and I was there everyday for hours. She was sedated and vented, with many IV lines. This was very hard for me to see. What was so strange is she sae me the same way late last summer when a surgery for my throat caught a bad infection and I too was vented so as to breathe. My Sofia was there everyday.

    I don' t think it will be a couple of yrs but much more to get through not over but through this.

    And if that was not enough, Sofia passed away on a Saturday at 1: pm the same day and time we were married.

    I have been through this 3 times in 9 yrs and it is always different. It goes very much with the relationships I had, all were very loving.
    John a alaimo likes this.
  10. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Rav good response. I like word choices like effing floor and dainty dearness. Glad all were very loving. In the words and in sickness and in health part of vows could we ever have imagined at the time what in sickness could mean. No, of course not. We were in health building the love and strength for sickness. To you and Dwain and myself, we did our best and that is all that can be asked.
  11. Th
    Thank you RAV each day has been better as I'm making a movie of her life. I'm not planning on moving forward as it won't be fair to the other person, this site and everyone here has been an inspiration to me as my whole family turn their back on me til I learn to get over it, so as it goes now in my mind set they made their choice and now I'm living for her not for them. Thank you.
  12. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Paul,
    Yes as soon as I met Sofia, dainty came to mind.later she called me dearness.

    The word 'Effing' meant a cuss as I am quite angry with myself for not knowing her whole health issues.
    Yes I am mad. But I know I loved her and was in love with her as well. I have to say we are the best one to take care of OURSELF. I could not know all her issues same as she could not know mine. I am
    sorry it was that way. She did go to her doctors often so I had to figure she was doing as she should be.

    I heard sepsis comes very quickly.
    Well it is what it is. Sofia will always be with me.
  13. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Dwain,
    Please leave the meds alone. This is no longer the time for 'bargaining.'
    That stage really happens before a person passes over to the heavens and I spoke to a hospice social worker about it. She told me I was right about that but some do think they can bring back a loved one by making a promise to Jesus and believe me, if I could have bargained to get my Sofia back, I would have bargained my 91 Harley Sporty. Please sit back and think of the Good times. I spend a lot of time doing that. It is the only way I can bring her back.

    Please don't be angry with God.
    He gave you a great person. He never said life would be easy but that he would always be there for us.
  14. John a alaimo

    John a alaimo Member

    I am so sorry for your loss . Even though I grieve for my soul mate , I can not know what you feel. I know you feel your world has been destroye . Your life in ruin. You have felt the gift of her love. That is what helps me. To know that my Josephine loved me! She chose me. I was blessed to have a angel love me. I treasure my moment's with her. I was privileged to know her. I hope you find relief , I still have not. It has been almost three years. and cant even think of dating or having fun without her. I know its not healthy , but I love her so much. Sorry I am not helping , but just wanted to let you know , you are not alone, sending you love and compassion from one human to another.
  15. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    Good afternoon, all. Butting in here but I think perhaps that's "expected" of a new member. I actually joined this site a bit over a year ago and "fell off" because it was just so painful. My heart is aching for all of you as I read your posts and comments and conversation. I find myself almost too far gone to be able to deal with my loss. I have this fear that if I talk about the loss (or even say he/she let alone say the name of the one I lost) that I'll physically and emotionally just fall apart... so I avoid it at all costs. I don't talk about this with anyone except my 20-year-old daughter and even then I use caution on how long or how much I mention. I'm pushing it ALL down - and I don't think that's the wisest thing to be doing. But, for now, it's how I'm coping.
  16. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Marv,
    So many thoughts. Seems like we or me need to talk either to get rid of the deepest sadness or to try and
    convince ourself what the REAL story is. I still find myself saying,
    " I can't believe this." Probably cuz I don' t want to believe it. But we are all going to have to face it, somewhere down the line.

    Being in denial to me was like I got a telegram to my mind saying I lost my wife but the telegraph wire went down and my heart never got the message. Seems like time is the only thing that got the wire back up on those green glass insulators and my heart got the messsge.

    So now I am dealing with reality.

    Yup the naked truth that my dainty dearness is gone from me as well as the dreams we had.
  17. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    Good afternoon, Ray G. ~

    You are exactly on point regarding your comment "Seems like we need to talk either to get rid of the deepest sadness or try to..." As well, I can relate when you say that "I can't believe this." I am severe denial and have been for over a year. I know it's real and that I have lost this person who meant SO much to me but, somehow, I'm pushing it off, just hoping that it's a very long nightmare and I'll wake soon. I only pray that's how it's going to turn out. But WHEN? When will this nightmare end and I can get on with my life as "normal?"

  18. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear Mary,
    It seems like a few days ago denial began to slowly remove its self from reality.

    I hate with a passion what has happened but it is what it is.
    Dwain is making a movie
    about his wife as a memorial or tribute. I think it is great.
    I have always enjoyed writing and last Saturday I began writing about how Sofia and I met.

    And when I started doing that, oh Mary, how the memories started to roll across my mind.

    I remember someone saying," By
    writting, you are taking something
    You can not see and putting it into
    A form that is not only still real but is now an actual works."

    I guess it might be bittersweet but some sweetness is nice.
  19. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Dear Mary,

    Sometimes or for the most part, talking to others is good. But I found it can waken ghosts of the past.

    That happened after a great friend of 6 yrs passed and I was talking to a councelor. That night was o.k. I had been out riding my old Harley that day and though I was quite sad that evening as I missed holding Rosie' s hand as we watched The golden curls or my spin on the Golden girlz.

    Next morning was horrible, the most profound of utter despair and sadness so deep were it a hole, I would see China. So incohetent,
    sobbing on the phone to my doctor. Told me to go to St. Anthony hospital. Turnd out I had one bad ass nervous breakdown when the shock from loss hit me.

    God kept that from happening again.
  20. Mary Holles

    Mary Holles Member

    Dear Ray ~

    I think that is a wonderful idea to write about it ~ memories, special sayings or what have you. I have tried to do that and it still seems so overwhelming. I lost my ex-husband/best friend on November 9, 2017 as a result of his decades-long addition to alcohol. He went to the hospital on October 21 ~~ 19 days later he was gone. We were the best of friends for the last 2.5 years of his life; we could talk to each other about anything and everything. And we did. We share two children ~ Lance is 31 and Laura is 20. I feel so much more than empty, it's almost indescribable. I don't talk about him much, however, because he did make some bad choices in life (as we all do) but others around me automatically bring up the negatives about him and literally ASK me why I miss him so much. I tend to push those memories aside when others remind me of "what he was like" ~ I just remember the good times. I feel like I'm being tugged on from so many sides and never really "free" to express my grief.