So lonly

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by christine 36, Nov 2, 2019.

  1. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi I lost my beautiful husband 2 years ago, we had 50 wonderful years together, we married very young, I was 17 he was 21, So we were together almost our whole lives, I miss him so much every day. I still can’t believe he is gone , I am involved with a support group that I meet every week, I have lots of friends and a lovely family but I am still so lonely for my husband, He was my world, is there anyone out there who feels the same way, Please contact me.


     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Christine 36,
    I feel exactly what you’re expressing. It will be one year in 15 days since I lost my husband. Totally unexpected, was healthy and strong, so we thought. No signs of any kind, we had a beautiful day together. But then we always did. Like you and your husband we’ve been together since I was 16 Ron was 19, together 44 years married 41. He suffered a massive heart attack and lost the love of my life 2 hours later. Like you I feel so alone.. we were together 24/7 pretty much. We had a business we ran together. I had to close it sadly. But Ron was my life too like you mention. I don’t have a great support system but I do have my 2 adult children my daughter lives close by. And a small group of people. Going through this is horrible, right now as I am reaching the one year mark I am feeling worse. Hard time sleeping, I find weekends difficult. Everyone makes plans with their spouse to do something fun! But I’m alone. Everyone going through this feels what you mention. I just try to live one day at a time and push through. I accept help when offered. Not the, let me know if you need anything help. The, let’s get dinner tonight, I see your struggling with your yard work I’m come over, I accept that help. Even though it upsets me, I know I need it. This has gotten long but I hope this makes you realize you’re not alone in how you feel. Take care of you.
     
    patricia k likes this.
  3. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    I did reply to you I hope you got it, I am new at this not really sure how this website works, please let me know if you got my last reply,
    Thanks
    Christine 36
     
  4. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi
    hi again
    I think that’s the hardest thing, when your friends or people in general just don’t get it,But it’s so true what they say that people won’t understand until it happens to them and of course it depends on the relationship they had and the years they were together , Too bad you live so far away, Sorry you have to deal with your arthritis I know how painful that can be, please don’t think I am weird or anything but have you had any sort of signs which could be from your husband, like a special song coming on the radio all of a sudden, or finding a white feather at your feet, or anything out the ordinary. I have and I am hoping it truly is a message from my husband, I really hope there is an after life so we will be with our loved ones once again,
    That’s what keeps me going as he truly was the love of my life my best friend, My World, Day miss him every second of everyday, it’s been two years this Oct 18th, the pain does lessen a bit but never goes away, For me it probably never will,
    Sincerely Christine
     
  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Christine,
    Oh my God! Thank you for asking about signs! Omg! Yes, many signs. I’m afraid to ask people also. Songs as you’ve mentioned, one day I had song after song after song, so many in a row. Both my children have experienced it also, with songs on the radio. Also, lights flickering. I’ve read when lights flicker or any sign really, you ask if it’s your person. Just yesterday a light sizzled then went very bright. I said, Ron is that you? I hope it’s you, I miss you so much! After a short big, the light blinked twice. I started to cry, told him I love him and hope he’s proud of all I’m doing and that I love him Light blinked a long off then bright back on. I’ve had many signs. Including things like bleeding a sprinkler systems that I all the sudden knew how to do. Like I was being talked through the process. I’m so glad you’re getting signs too. I’ve seen birds I’ve never seen before, butterflies follow me. Etc. mind if I ask you, were you and your husband able to know what each other were thinking? In my case, I was usually the one picking up on his thoughts, and was the sender. Happened often.
    It sure would be so nice if we lived closer. I imagine just like you say, I don’t think the pain will ever go away. I feel a piece of me is missing. I have guilt I’m still here. How can I still be here without my soul mate. He wouldn’t want me to think that way but I do.
    I believe the signs are from our loved ones there’s too many, couldn’t be anything else. However, if they’re not, it makes us feel a connection and feel better so it hurts no one.. but I’m a believer. Get messages from my mom and dad too.
    Take Care, Robin
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

     
  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi, like you wrote yesterday, I’m also not sure my answer made it to you. I wish this site was easier to use. But I did reply to you last night shortly before midnight.
     
  8. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi Robin
    Sorry to keep asking but not sure if you got my last post, when I replied to you about how I thought it was great that you also received signs which I am sure are from our husbands, but for me it just wasn’t enough I told George that I need to see him I asked him every night to let me see him because the messages he was sending me were not enough, So last Thursday at around 6 in the morning I saw him , it was sort of a dream but I was half awake and I swear to God I saw him it was amazing but also I was a bit scared as it was a shock, but ever since then I have felt a little bit better l, more at peace with my self, He was in his mid thirties and looked so handsome and happy
     
  9. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi again
    This is crazy I was just writing to you and the message just went off so not sure if you got it I hadn’t even finished wha I was saying it was about the dream I had did you get the message, This site is awful, please let me know,
    Thanks
    Christine
     
  10. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Christine 36, So very sorry for your loss. Being together for decades you must have had some beautiful times together. Nadine and I were married for 42 years. I am sure we all wish it would never end, or even perhaps going back and reliving some wonderful times in our lives.

    One of my sons even commented one day, he wishes there was a reset button to life some days. I am sure he wanted to be with his mom as he said that, and of course it touched me as well.

    Loss is just something we will never forget. At times there are just no words that can describe our spouse and how we are missing them. Some days are sad and pass so slow. When you look at another who also experienced this loss you know deep down they are hurting so much inside, all you can do is hug them and perhaps even share some tears together.

    I understand how strongly we miss our loved one. Nadine and I shared so much with each other as we grew together in life. I was never foolish enough to try and argue with her because she just seemed to have so much insight. Like me, she came from a big family, she learned early that you have to share. She carried that wonderful spirit all her life and when you met and talked with her you went away with the feeling she cared about you, no matter who you might be.

    I hope you have better days ahead, and keep that love in your heart and mind. Take care and be safe.
     
    patricia k likes this.
  11. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    RLC, I wish I could take away your sorrow for your loss. There is no good time when we are prepared to no longer be without the one we loved so much.

    I guess all those years together you can think back and perhaps take some comfort in those special moments you shared with one another. Your loss is no less significant than anyone's else.

    Like you as the activity of each day winds down, the night time is the hardest to deal with. Night time with my wife was the time we had alone with each other. My two sons were off doing their own thing and we got to share our day with each other. We discussed all the good, all the bad, and even all our hopes and dreams of what we wished for us, our sons, and how we might accomplish those wishes.

    There is nothing more personal than loss. You can try to describe it to another, but each of our feelings we have are based on so many different memories. All it takes it seeing something that was important to them, or perhaps hearing something that was special for each of us, touch us each in such a heartfelt way that only tears can make another see how much you are hurting.

    I am not sure how it was for you, but after Nadine passed one of the toughest times in my life was talking to my own two sons. It wasn't that they didn't want to talk about their mom, but it was deeply personal to them.

    Sure, I remember at her funeral, as I looked at all those present - to them, she was a mother, a wife, a cousin, and aunt, a grandmother, a great grandmother, a great aunt, a niece and a coworker or boss. So yes, it was amazingly hard to reach all of them that day. All I could share as I talked was our times together and what she meant to me. Those are the type of days you feel so inadequate.

    All I can say is please take care of yourself. Let your heart be your guide in life forward, and above all else, never forget about yourself.
     
  12. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi David
    Thanks for your kind words, I am also very sorry for your loss, I think the hardest thing for me is not having my husband here to share things with, there are so many things I want to tell him and I miss his hugs and kisses, he was such an amazing person so kind and smart everybody loved him, we thought we would have many more years together to go on our adventures, I find Holidays especially Christmas very hard he made Christmas so special for me, He loved
    Christmas he was like a little kid and made it so special for me, I was truly blessed to have found this beautiful person and to have been together for so long, but just wasn’t ready to lose him so suddenly to Cancer, he was my true Soulmate, And I pray one day we will be together again, Thanks again for your words,
    Christine
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Christine I am so happy for you! That’s wonderful! When I see my husband I feel like you mentioned, not asleep not awake, somewhere in the middle and when I awake I think was that a dream or real. I’ve had a couple similar to what you had. In late Sept I awoke to feeling my bed bed move. More like I wasn’t awake but I wasn’t sleeping. Like he was getting up to go to the bathroom. I asked him to come back and felt a swoosh right above me, I begged again saying it’s not enough I need to feel you. I felt pressure against me from a top the comforter! I felt so much peace also. Still not enough of coarse but it’s better then nothing. Things like this don’t just happen, our husbands are with us and sending signs. How great is that! My husband appeared to be pretty much the age he passed, which was 63. He looked very healthy, but he hadn’t been sick either.

    Did you feel worse as you approached the one year mark? And 2? I’m an emotional mess! I don’t want to be alone any more, I don’t want to make decisions without my husband. So hard.
    So I only got the post which included you asking me if I had received your post and you mentioning seeing your husband. I’ve only been using this site maybe a month I can’t figure it out. But I do feel happy we’ve found each other on here. It’s a good feeling! Let’s hope this post shows up.
     
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    David





    David,
    Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. You are right, there is no good time when we’re prepared for this loss. To be alone. And nothing prepares you for it. I know I was in a fog for a long time and still feel it now. Ron took such good care of me. He worshiped the ground I walked on. He treated me like a princess, he was my knight in shining armor. I depended on him a lot, I have arthritis in most joints. He did everything, I didn’t even ask. He would say I love helping you, I don’t even care what we’re doing, if I’m with you, I’m happy! Wonderful man!
    My children a daughter who lives close to me and a son who lives in Florida were very different in how they dealt with the loss of their dad. My daughter felt sick and cried constantly, stories of her dad made her worse. My son flew home and was visibly shaken but he tried to be strong for myself and his sister. This might sound corny but for a week we spent every night together in the living room. Myself and my daughter on sectional couch and my son and his spouse on the floor.. I cried most nights almost all night and my daughter cried a lot too. My son would get up and sit holding us. I am thankful for that close time we had. My daughter didn’t want to leave the funeral home, felt we were leaving her dad behind. I told her, that’s not Daddy he’s in our hearts forever, but this in not Dad. I believe that and it’s true but not sure where I got the strength to say that.
    It’s funny how I miss the small things, we’d text each other constantly if we weren’t together. My phone feels so dead now. I miss our little jokes, doing errands and chores together. I miss cooking for him. And him hugging and kissing me while cooking. Every single thing! I feel upset that I won’t ever have any new memories and as of now memories are so upsetting.
    Sounds like you had a wonderful wife a beautiful marriage and lovely family. So much more to live for. So many more adventures to be had. I know Ron and I planned to travel, saved for retirement all our lives. Now it’s just me. Thank you for saying, take care of yourself. I’m not doing a great job at that. I’m not eating right but just re ently got back on multi vitamins and picked up some protein shakes. I’ve lost quite a bit of weight and I’ve lost a lot of hair. All stress related.
    I hope you’re taking care of yourself as well. All of our spouses would want us to.
    Robin
     
  15. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Robin and Christine,

    There are many times at night that I talk to my late wife. Sure I may not see or hear her, but that is ok, all it means is at least to me, I am focused on her and how much I miss her. When she laid in that hospice bed near her end, and she told us of an angel visiting her, her sister, her niece and me just lost it.

    She described how she was told she would take care of children in heaven. She did graduate from a teachers college and would have made a great teacher. I want to believe what she said was real, as I believe in God.

    Lighting the end of life approaching candle in hospice is so devastating to those present. You have no control over yourself, no words, only the tears in your eyes, the knot is your throat and the pain in your heart. Sure the words I speak are powerful, but they are from the heart.

    One day may we each find our way once again to the ones who we loved so much in life. Sharing these feelings are what helps each one of us onto the road of recovery from loss. Of course we shall never forget, and above all else, have many days where we each can think back to those wonderful times of life with all our loved ones.

    I hope both of you find some peace. When and if you feel like it share a memory or two with us, we are all good listeners. God Bless
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    David,
    What a lovely story! I can’t imagine hearing your wife say that, I’d lose it too. But such a nice story. Thank you for sharing!
    My husband and I had such a closeness we knew each other’s thoughts. We often mentioned how we’d each try to get messages to the one left behind. After the doctor gave me the terrible news they couldn’t save my husband and he had passed. I went in to him and among many other things I mentioned, please do your best to let me know you’re ok and with me. The next night, while sitting on my couch, dfifting in and out of sleep, I saw my husband, right next to me, calm loving and caring look on his face, looking right at me
    I dont know the story of your wife, I see she was under hospice care. I hope she didn’t suffer. I want to believe in her words also. I am a believer too.
    Ive gotten many messages. Some from other family members. My mom sent me a message a couple years ago after Ron’s Mom passed. She sent me a message meant for Ron.. said
    , I want you to know Donald was here waiting for Margaret (Ron’s parents) who only passed a couple years before Ron.
    God bless you and your family as well
     
  17. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Hi robin
    I think I have finally figured out the site,
    Well maybe? Well I think that’s amazing that you have had so many of the same experiences as me, My problem was when I saw my husband I got scared and I don’t know why, but after I felt such joy that I had finally seen him because that’s what I have been asking him for all the time, yes it was very sad for me the first and second Anniversary of his passing, I hate being alone especially at night I miss him so much, I do have a lot of friends that I see during the day we go for walks or lunch or just visit and it does help but at the end of the day I am still alone, So very hard, I asked my husband to give me a sign after he passed so I would know he was with me, he told me he would stroke my forehead and I would know he was here, that hadn’t happened yet, maybe because he knows it would scare me, which is so silly, I just want him back, I want my Wonderland happy Life back, My life has just changed completely, and I am so sad, even with all the friends, my lovely family , nothing will ever be the same, Abd that’s so hard to accept, Anyway I know you will understand, I am so glad we found each other,
    Talk soon
    Christine ❤️
     
  18. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    When I first started my journey trying to find others to talk to about my loss I tried Facebook, but somehow I got my account locked. The problem with that was they had a grief group there I had signed up into and made my first posting.

    When I started getting responses, I tried logging back into Facebook to go to that grief group and answer the responses to my post. With my account now locked I appealed it, and they actually never ever even gave an automatic response. Need I say, Facebook really messed up with me, and now when I look back I am happy it happened, as there is nothing worse that settling into posting, spilling your heart out to others and unable to continue. Never again.

    So I continued my search wanting to reach out to others. I needed help, I wanted to talk to others, I wanted to belong so to speak. Well, I eventually found this site and thank God I did. It helped restore my faith a bit.

    So I started on this site with my first post about what happened to Nadine and our life together. I posted our wedding pictures in that https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/my-wife.1286/ and her obit with a professional tribute video that her sister had created with beautiful music and a pictures and a poem.

    I skipped all the awful details of how bad her cancer was, and all the pain and procedures she had endured. I leaned on my oldest son a lot during those trips to her doctors. Let's just say, Nadine had cancer for about 6 years, it was exhausting for her, for us and monetarily. During one of my trips I actually had an undiagnosed heart attack in the 90+ heat I found out later. I just thought I was out of breath.

    So if you wish to see what I had said about Nadine you will find it in the above bookmark. As days past into weeks, and then years and I found this site I was finally able to speak about her and so I knew how much I loved music I wanted to share with anyone here who would listen. I created two threads https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/the-good-in-our-world.1324/ and https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/the-good-in-our-world-part-2.1415/

    Within these threads I looked for music to express my feelings and also videos that showed us all the good in this world still does exist but just isn't covered enough by news outlets today. Also I then within those two threads started adding my comments and described myself over the course of my life (not all) and tried to show people who I am as a person.

    Too often in life we are all too wrapped up in what is before us, and never take the time to take it all in. I am hoping as we grieve, those videos and music will bring some comfort to us all.

    Sorry if this has seemed too long. Please everyone, take care of yourselves and even though we all suffer with loss, we are as one on this site. God Bless you all.
     
  19. christine 36

    christine 36 Member

    Thank you David for sharing, I will look at your video sounds lovely, They day time heals all wounds but it doesn’t really, it just masked it so it doesn’t hurt as much but the pain will always be there for me it will anyway, 6 years is a long time to see someone you love suffer
    My husband died within 6months after diagnosis, such a shock he was such a healthy fit guy, you just never know he also had cancer, take care Christine
     
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Christine, I understand you feeling scared, what we’re experidncing is certainly out of the ordinary. And certainly not how we want to see our mates. But we’ll take it cause that’s all we have for contact. I agree that evenings and nights are the hardest part of the day. I find weekends difficult too. Other people in our lives are nice and helpful but not the relationship we want and miss. So we continue to feel alone. I just talked to my sister in law and told her, I keep feeling it’s time for him to come back home. It’s been long enough I don’t want to be like this any more. I think we all feel like that. I even miss his snoring. I’m happy for you that you have friends available for you. My support group is small but I do have people thankfully. And my 4 legged best friend, my little dachshund! He misses his “ dad” too. He’s having a difficult time as well. We’re best buddies.
    I’m planning a small memorial for my husband and all though it makes me sad to plan such a thing but it has kept me busy.
    Hope you’re doing “ok” yesterday was rough for me.
    Robin