I lost my love of 13 years two months ago very suddenly. He was only 50 and because of our careers, we lived in different cities but saw each other frequently and at various points were even able to live together for certain periods of time. I was on the phone with him when he passed and this has caused me a great deal of trauma which haunts me nightly. He did not leave a will and didn't have a lot of family so I have been named administrator of his estate. Consequently, the last two months have involved a lot of travel to his home to pack and move his belongings, close out his apartment, and assist with his probate case. It has been, needless to say, exhausting physically and emotionally. I am now feeling the reality of his passing, the emptiness of my life ahead. All the plans we had together are gone and my life just feels like a huge void. I'm extremely depressed and simply do not know how I'm going to do this without him.
Beth, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like you both were very committed to each and worked around the distance between you. All I have found so far is that slowly you move into an “ok” existence. I never say I’m doing fine or good. But just ok. I still write letters and messages to my husband. It does help a lot. This site also helps to see how others are coping. I know after everything settled, the the funeral, seeing friends and family, etc. it all felt super empty. I spent a few weeks sending out thank you cards. Then I had nothing left to do for my husband and it felt like a big hole in my life. I’m sure that’s how you’re feeling after settling everything for your beloved. Grief is exhausting and I still have bad days where I break down. I’ve started little things like getting my coffee in the morning, go sit on the deck and say going morning to my husband. I talk to him when I’m alone, and say goodnight to him before bed. He’s on my mind constantly though. Maybe try talking and writing to your love and see if that helps. I wish you well. Time will ease the depression some but it’s a slow road.
Renee, thank you so much for your thoughts and kindness. I say to people that I'm doing "okay enough to know I'm not okay." I tried writing within a week of his passing and it just felt too odd. Maybe it was too soon. I can try again, so thank you for the suggestion. This site has helped a ton just in the last 12 hours! Especially the blog. I got a lot of comfort from the readings there and will stay tuned there. Your postings as well, in a number of places, were very compassionate and kind and I was truly glad to see that you had replied to my post here. Indeed, there are still thank you cards being sent and I'm sorting out boxes upon boxes of his belongings. Which is just crushing. This past weekend I came upon all the work he had done for his PhD (years and years ago) and it just broke me. I have no idea what to do with that box; I just know I can't do it right now. Your courage in talking to your husband is remarkable. I've tried over the past weeks and the silence that follows every sentence I say to him is just deafening. I can't hear his voice or even imagine it and it's just to much to take--hearing my own voice, alone. But I'll keep trying. My therapist says she knows of no one who works harder at trying to feel better than those working with grief. I believe that is so true. Thank you again for your wisdom.
I’ll tell you what I do. I’ll say something aloud to my husband. Then I imagine what he’d say. It almost pops into my head. Then I’ll say out loud “oh sure I know you’d say....”. Sometimes I can even get a little laugh at what he would say. He had a quick wit and loved to try and make me laugh.
