Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Yes, any kind of anniversary dates are the hardest. I have had a bad couple of days too. You have friends to talk to here.

 

This is what has me feeling down. The thinking about death and what poor Linda had to go through at such a young age. And guilt because I was such a lousy friend and was not there to help sand comfort her.

 

Fun fact: While I don’t remember the exact date, We met at the beginning of college, so I’m pretty sure it was sometime in September…possibly October. He was gentle and cool about waiting until I was ready. If they weren’t decent human beings, we would be having a different kind of memory (unpleasant) about our first time.

 

It is sad that she was so young. I can’t remember off hand everything you’ve said about her life and the difficult experiences she may have had. Some of it seemed to be assumptions though, and in my experience, my assumptions are not always accurate. For example, I always felt sad that my guy never got out of his hometown, lived in the same house as his parents, struggled with alcohol, and never married or had a family. Turns out he was married for 21 years (no kids). I think he met her shortly after we split. He traveled to San Fran and other places, had a steady job, and kept doing things he loved. The last few years were probably rough, as he divorced 3 years before he died, was sick, etc., but what I’m getting at is he had a life outside of me, and while I wish I could have been a friend to him during his difficult times, he most likely had other friends and family that were there for him. You were a special friend to her or you wouldn’t be having such strong memories. Even if you weren’t able to be there for her in the end, you were an important part of her life. I really believe we do our best (especially when it comes to love) for what we know and are capable of giving at the time. Obviously, we know more and are more capable of giving now, but we did our best and so did they.

 

I remember Just the 10 of Us comedy show was on TV it was from 8:09 to 8:13 lol I actually set my alarm yesterday and listened to Angel during those minutes (It is kinda funny about the time he did tell me it was my first time thats why it was so fast... LMAO )Thank goodness there is some humor in that memory. It was also one of my BFFs birthday shes the one that knew him and came with me to find his grave . I have been begging him to be in my dreams the last couple days cause he has been a few times but nothing I did have a dream I went to a grieving group to talk about him and his mom was there so I didnt know if I should stay That was odd

You are not being dark, Ive thought that way too You get so confused with thinking of them so much sometimes you think those are real memories recently that happened the scenerios we make up about getting in touch with them again.

 

So funny! I’ve never met anyone who knows the exact date and time to the minutes of their first time.

 

LMAO!!! Yeah Im weird like that LMAO but I cannot remember anything else about that night besides after he left I called my friend to tell her I think I just happened to notice the time and when it was over I was surprised how quick I think I had to look at the clock and it stuck with me.

 

Since we’re digressing, I remember being jealous that he was my first but I wasn’t his. Now I’m jealous that he had someone else for years after he was mine. One of my best friends thinks I need therapy, but I’ve decided to embrace all my emotions. Im the jealous kind…there’s a song about it…that’s just me. He knew it, and he helped me by telling me he loved me MORE. Now I can’t find out if he loved me more than his wife, but I’m gonna go with he DID. Haha! LMFAO!

I always thought I had a boring first time story, and I never really told anyone about it. I used to lie a lot, and I think I told people I wasn’t a virgin when I actually was. I didn’t lie about it to him though. I don’t remember the time or date or what music we were listening to, but I’m pretty sure we were drinking, and we were in a twin college dorm bed, and it was over quick. That was also around the time that I learned that men fall asleep immediately after making love, and women lie in bed for hours thinking about how in love we are, only to find out he’s sound asleep.

 

Ive gotten the therapy comment too
That is awesome he said he loved you more. Its true and hilarious they sleep, we think lol. Maybe first times are quick? lol

 

I have to say, talking about funny and weird memories helps with the sadness The laughing is good medicine

 

I agree! It’s good to laugh at myself. If any other funny/weird memories come up, please share!

 

Hello, I hope I’m not intruding but I am so glad to have found this group. I recently found out a friend of mine from 10 years ago recently died. At one point in time we were very close to being more than friends but nothing ever came of it. I hadn’t spend time with him for many years now, so I am surprised at the amount of grief I’m experiencing over it. I feel like my mind and heart are emotionally back to 2010 when I used to see him all the time and like I have just lost that version of him.

Sadly it was death by suicide which is making me all the more upset and at a loss for words.

Sorry to spring up in this chat out of the blue but I really appreciate that there’s others going through a similar situation and won’t think I’m an utter weirdo!

Thanks for reading if you got this far! X

 

You are not intruding at all. This is why we are here, to vent and help eachother I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a confusing time when you first find out and not sure why your mind is going back to what you havent thought about in a long time and floods you with emotions. Anything you want to vent about or talk about stays here. I feel like this is a safe place especially because most people just do not understand how we are feeling.

 

Thank you so much for your response, Sue!

I was only 18-19 years old when we were at our closest so it feels like a long time has passed but at the same time feels like just yesterday! I’ve been with my husband for 6 years now, married for 4 and we had a little girl last March so it’s an odd experience to have because I’m almost mourning that part of my life back in 2010?

My friend (his name was Alex) was having similar struggles back then and confided in me how he was feeling and with the nature of his death just this week….it takes me back to that point in time and I wish I could have said something profound or special that had stuck with him even to now…as if that would have stopped him doing what he did. I know that’s silly to think…I’ve hardly heard from him in the last 8/9 years but I am so just so overwhelmed with emotions…

Thanks again for taking time out of your day to reply. It means a lot. So glad to have people that understand what I’m going through! X

 

Luckily I am close enough to some of the friends he still kept in touch with and they are happy for me to come to his funeral so that will be nice for some sort of closure..

 

You are VERY fortunate that you can go to the funeral. It is really awesome you still have some mutual friends to keep in touch with. You get to hear stories (hopefully some of them are fun to remember). I am married and have a family too so I get what you mean, but our past has nothing to do with our life now so never feel like you are wrong with your thoughts. We all have a past and when we need to think about it its always ok, it hurts and it sucks sometimes but its a part of us.

 

Yes, that’s very true. I’m so fortunate to be able to go and I’m so grateful that his family are happy for me to go. His brother said it was nice that even thought we hadn’t been in contact for a long time, we obviously had lovely memories together and it’s nice to know he had an impact on so many people.

Will be nice to hear about what his life was like this past decade. I’m not sure it will all be positive due to the nature of his death, but hopefully it will fill in the blanks somewhat.

Thank you so much for the reassurance. It’s hard to mention anything to my husband because I don’t think he’ll understand so that’s why it’s such a relief to have somewhere like this to turn to. Like you say, our past has nothing to do with our present lives but because of situations like this, it starts to feel like they tangle together and it gets all confusing and the emotions unexplainable. But I suppose that’s just grief, isn’t it? It doesn’t make sense half the time x

 

I’m glad you joined the conversation. I felt like I was intruding when I first started posting here too, and they made me feel welcome. I was very surprised by the intense emotions that came up, and I am living in the past as well. I learned from sharing here that there is nothing wrong with me and I am just going through a strange grieving process that I am mostly alone in, as I don’t think it would be good to share with my husband, and none of my current friends knew him, plus it was 35 years ago that I last had contact with him. Sorry he had such a tough time that he didn’t know another way out. I think it is normal to feel like you could have helped him. I think we just care so much that we know we would have done anything to help if we knew or if we were in their lives. Weird how we can go so long only thinking of them on occasion, and now I’ve thought of him every day for the past 10 months since I found out he died. You can share anything here. It is a safe place to vent.

 

All people suffering from this are welcome to join in. You are experiencing the same sense of loss as the rest of it. The grief you feel is normal, and we can help you through it.