sharing my story

this is my story of how i grew up
hid within a gaming world
and eventually was able to escape it all



when i was 10 my dad died a year later my mom tried to kill herself a week later i got removed from my home and put in a institution.
for 6 months i tried running away back to home cried every night and never saw my mom or anyone.
then they decided to put me at my grandparents for a while.

my grandmother was really mean and grandpa was from the olden days and was as cold as stone.
they lived within a industrial area of town so i was mostly alone and had absolutely no friends or anything to do.

one day my mom fled to another country but before she left she gave my grandpa a game boy color which she bought just before my dad died it took the bastard a year to give it to me and when he did there were no games nor batteries.
for the next week everyday i went to all the parking meters i could find and checked and i was able to get 15 euros and when my grandpa took me to the black market again,
and when he was busy trying to cheaply buy some junk to hoard i sneaked away and ran to a vendor i saw many times before and secretly bought Pokemon gold,

he must have know what was going on cus it said it was 25 but he let me have it for 15 that was one of my first true moments of pure joy, i got into a lot of trouble later on but he never even knew.
i stole some 4 rechargeable batteries and a charger from my grandpa,s many hoarding piles and would continue to play that game for more then 10 years after that.

they force fed me Ritalin and raisin bread winch i hated both equally got bullied at school everyday and never saw my mom since it all began.

i din,t care cus i would just play that game over and over again every chance i got for as long as i could, i even almost fought some kid because he saved over my save file,
ended up fighting a institution employee cus he was the one that gave that kid my game cus i wasn,t allowed to have it with me.

for the next 4 years they threw me in the so called dumping grounds a huge facility were hundreds of kids were put together that were taken from there homes.
its basically a prison but with more rules and in the middle of nowhere so we were unable to runaway.
i did not adjust well and spent most of my time either getting bullied in and around class and after that i mostly spend all my time on my room as punishment cus i just did not listen to anything they told me i had too do.

also around this i also got some expansive shoes from the institution which i traded for Pokemon yellow with some kid they tried to undo it but every time they tried to find it in my room i would attack them until they gave up looking for the game for a month straight i spent another 2 months on my room for that one.


after a year or so they tricked me into signing some document for taking away custody from my mom, if you sign this we can help you better they said,after that i had multiple incidents where i would get abused by employees cus they lost there temper.

not even a week later they moved me too France in some child labor place were 4 other kids from my country were, for 6 months in summer they forced me to remove those plants that climb the walls and i had to dig a long trench with a pickaxe in the blazing heat.
but when they weren,t looking i would be playing on my gameboy.

then suddenly my grandma contacted me and gave me the option too stay with her for a while i took the offer but while staying there i hardly ever spoke with her, for some reason i was her favorite but i always disliked her so i was very unconformable with her so i would just play.
after that i got put back into the dumping ground and so it went on this is also where my drug use started to pickup i was 14 at the time.
i got moved internally some more and when i got 16 is when i truly had my first pc

when i was 18 the house were i stayed degraded into chaos and i got relocated onto a sheep farm again forced labor(unpaid & and education beside it).
slowly my grandma started hinting that my mom was finally ready to meet me again was like 19 at the time, so i told her i was waiting ever since i got taken, and so it started.

now guess what if you havn,t seen someone in almost 10 years no matter what connection you might have had before is now severely broken and healing is difficult and extremely fragile,
and to make matters worse i myself was far from being a sane human being that functions normally i was literally plagued with mental issues.

one day i ran away from the sheep farm and begged my mom if i could move in back with her something i have been wishing for since forever.
and she agreed but when i was just there for 2 weeks she already had a appointment setup to put me back in a different institution ,
while i went i asked one question about a power outlet cus there was only one and my setup needed at least 8.
and apparently this was unacceptable and they denied me.

after this my mom wanted me out the house immediately and proceeded dumping me with my grandma.
meanwhile my little brother who had been in contact since the beginning was living with my grandma and when my grandma complained about her house being too full he was the one that got to go to my moms house.
after that she never really showed interest in me anymore once in a while she took me with her too her doctor appointment but that was because my little brother was busy.
but i did not care i was more then happy to accompany her she was my mom after all and after all that time i just wanted to spend time with her.
like 1 year later they found a another institution to dump me and so they did .

here is where my story takes a turn for the worst and by my own hand no less.
i came back back into contact with kids from the dumping ground and one of them
became homeless and i let him stay in my room which was forbidden but i wanted to be dependable so i would be a good friend
i ended up getting kicked out over some something so stupid i still cringe over it even now
i ended up on the streets and dind,t want to abandon my 'friend' and stayed on the streets with him

a year passed my worst year so far and i attempted a robbery on a snack bar which failed i was not cut out for crime it seemed and after a year i ran from that friend cus i kept getting beat up because of him shifting blame too me cus i was staying with him now and he did not like that even tho i did the same for him.
so i came crawling back to my grandma which destroyed any self respect i had left and from that on i considerd myself worthless.

i turned my self in for the crime i committed and did my time.
now back at my grandma i literally hid from the world in my room.
playing with my clan i got one friend and he invited me to come over to him for a weekend it was my ticket away from my past
i looked forward too it for over 2 weeks but the night before my mom came in and said just this

you can not go tomorrow next week or never and she repeated that with every question i asked
this was the first time i felt true anger and against my own mother no less , how dare she deny my one shot at letting my past go and moving forward
and she fucking denied it and i knew there was no next week an tried to tell her but she would not even listen

after this she told me on my birthday to not be close with my sister cus i would rape her
an on xmas eve she said i raped her i wanted to run away but she said if i ran i would be on the streets
from then on i started hating my name more then anything else and that never subsided.

she then threw me in another institution
i saw her once more on my birthday when she told me if i wanted her to visit me i should visit her
she lived 35 kilometers away and i only had a bike and by then i was already done with it all
i broke contact and never looked back

got only one message 2 years later of my stepdad on a hospital bed
saying how shit i was for not being there
i later asked my brother and he told me it was a planned operation but she sold it as a emergency
or maby i became biased and assumed the intension

since then i was completely done with the whole family and my past and discarded it all
i spent 4 years playing games until a army guy was the first one to listen to my story
i spent hours talking with him and ever since im obsessed with improving myself
and have done so ever since
on a regular basis i spend hours every week rationalizing my thoughts and feelings
and it has really helped me more than i probably fully understand

right now i finally found myself and who i wanna be and decided to part with my given name and adopt my gamer alias as my first name cus i love games that much

as a symbol of shedding my past and embracing myself and just cus this is how i want to life
i won,t restrain myself any longer and now live as i see fit no matter what

i sometimes wonder if games is what made it worse
but i can,t imagine having to do it without

i applied for the army and found a balance of living a life and playing games
im going on a speed date for the first time in my life
i try to carry my self with a smile and have fun

maby i don,t have a family anymore but at least im perfectly happy with who i am and were im trying to go
and to me thats more important then anything else

this is my story thanks for listening
and go enjoy your life you only get one after all

much love
Skyver

 

Thank you for sharing skyver. Your story touched me because it reminded me somewhat of my brother. When he was 14 he was assaulted by thugs and left for dead. He survived but had a head injury and that gave him a variety of mental health issues. My mom continually put him in institutions similar to the ones you describe where care was not really taken to help those so in need and where beaurocratic systems where dysfunctional and the slightest transgression would cause him to loose his freedom. As you said, like being in jail. It makes sense that you held on to your games however your emotions where never really processessed and instead you hid away in your game world. I hope you were eventually able to process your grief, repeated grief of your mother's abandonment. It is one of the most painful experiences to feel our mothers don't really truly care for us or can't really solve our pain for us. I know. I am glad you find yourself smiling these days. The world and our parents are not always equipped to handle difficult emotions as you know. That is even more painful. But you can reach out to those who are wanting to help. There will always be kind and compassionate people but probabky not in the institutions as much. You can look into getting counseling if you ever need it again. Be good be well.