relocating after loss

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by bel, Jan 12, 2020.

  1. bel

    bel Member

    Hello,
    I am really torn about relocating closer to family after the loss of my fiancé. My family all live on the other side of Australia and I can't make a decision on staying in our house that we loved or moving closer to my family. Does anyone have any experience in how best to make this decision. I feel like if I move I might not be able to remember all our memories we have shared in our home. I am pretty much all alone without him. I have a job I like but not many close friends where I am. I have had people tell me its just a house and the house shouldn't mean that much. It may just be a house to others but it was our home filled with our life of memories and it feels so hard to leave. Does anyone have any experiences in regards to this?
     
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    That’s a tough one. It is just a house except...for all of the wonderful memories that were created there.
    Are your family members supportive?
    Would they have your back if you lived closer to them?
    This website is a great resource. I have met and become close friends with someone who lives clear across the country from me. We talk via text every day and I cherish her help. The wonderful thing about this site is the people completely understand what you are going through and are eager to help.
    My wife Janet and I were totally reliant on each other, so we had very few close friends. Janet’s daughter (my stepdaughter) is absolutely no help, and has been no help throughout Janet’s battle with cancer, and very rarely visited hospice as her mother struggled to hang on to life.
    Sometimes there is more compassion from strangers than from family.
    If your family is completely supportive that’s another story.
    In the meantime reach out to the folks on this site and see what happens.

    Bill
     
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss! My heart breaks for you, losing your fiancé and trying to make decisions alone. Afraid to make the wrong decision. I agree with Bill in that this is a tricky one to desipher. I haven’t had to make that type of decision, my family for the most part lives close to me. However they haven’t been terribly supportive since 2 months after I lost my husband. And from what I’m hearing that’s the case for a lot of people needing support.
    No matter where you live you will always have your memories. They’re in your heart to stay, they’re not going anywhere. My memories are waiting for me to be able to enjoy them, I’m a year in and our wonderful memories bring me to tears. I have been told to be very careful making life changing decisions after a significant loss, because your thought process isn’t thinking quite clear. This is not something I had to try and decide, I’m hoping there’s people on this site who will reach out to you and let you know how they decided. I’m also concerned about people saying it’s just a house, they mean well but be careful listening to advise, about important decisions. Do you feel confident that if you would make such a move that your family will be there for you and very supportive? I was sure without a doubt my family will be here for me, sadly I was mistaken, I’m thankful I have my 2 adult children who are mourning also but they are super supportive. My husband and I were so close we didn’t have the need or desire for friends, I had friends but didn’t keep up with them, in hind site I wish I kept my friendships active. You do mention you feel very alone,not a lot of close friends, I totally understand how this can be a terrifying decision. The people on the this site are here for you and have been such a help for me. I’ve made life long friendships that mean the world to me. I’m not sure what I’d do without them. Bill, who answered your post earlier, love that man! He’s the best!
    We’re all here for you and will support you no matter what. Maybe try the chat room on this site. I’m hoping you get some good advise.
    You’re in my thoughts and prayers, take one day at a time!
    Robin
     
  4. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Bel,

    Moving is an enormous undertaking for anyone. Let me tell you how it has affected me over my life. When I was growing up I only had to move once, when my parents bought a new house. When I joined the military I learned how you had to learn to adapt to many moves no matter your ties.

    But when my wife was slowly getting ready for passing on she wanted to go back to where she lived growing up. So we made that happen for her and I am so grateful we did, as I got to witness a side of my wife I had not seen, her memory of other’s, her beautiful stories she had with them and her life growing up in Maine.

    We were both from Maine, and were living in Florida when she headed to hospice back in Maine. I am so happy she had this time with her friends from her past, her family still living, her former coworkers and so many more.

    After Nadine my wife passed we went back to Florida and of course we (my two sons and me) decided to make a permanent move back to Maine as our past roots also held many memories, our schools, our friends, our coworkers and so many more things as well.

    The biggest reason we didn’t stay in Florida, even though we had to move anyways, was where our heart really was. You can hold a picture in your hand, you can sit and watch home movies, but being somewhere where you once were growing up or with family that is still close to you is an amazing thing.

    I am not saying you can relive the past, I am saying if your life when you were younger was a happier time with no ugly memories, then you should consider it. Only you can know what means the most to you. I let my heart be my guide, nothing more. The final thing that made us want to return to our roots, all of our past family was buried there, and most of my remaining family were still living in Maine.

    I know they say you can never return or recapture your past, but where are the most important memories in your life? This is very much a personal choice and one that you should consider carefully.

    One last thing, also weigh how past friends, current family might help you heal and deal with your grief. Just know your well being is the most important thing in your life now. Watch your health, keep reaching out to others and ask for help when you need it. God Bless

    david
     
  5. bel

    bel Member

    Thank you for your replies. It really helps to hear your stories. I don't really have anyone close to me who has lost someone close to them so it is difficult to find people who can relate.
     
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Of coarse, we’re all here for you and each other. We know how this feels and it’s not good. And it’s very difficult to find people who can relate to your feelings. Everyone here gets it.
    Take time to take care of yourself.
     
  7. bel

    bel Member

    I am having a little vent here but I recently went out for lunch with my friend and she tells me she has a room mate for me if I want- wink wink. In that moment I was so angry that she could be so insensitive and now I just never want to see her again.
    When people say really insensitive comments it makes me want to withdraw even more in to the comfort of my home where I am safe from all the hurtful comments.
    sorry for venting just frustrated .
     
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Bel,
    Wow! My heart breaks for you. You’re going through such a horrible life changing experience and for the most part you’re alone. Then something like that happens. The only thing I can possibly say, is she has no clue. People don’t know what this feels like and say insensitive things. My own sister is guilty of that, saying hurtful things. I let her get away with it for quite a while, I’d point out that’s hurtful or just let it pass with no comment. But the comments didn’t stop. I tried to let them pass cause she’s my sister. But I could only deal for so long. I’ve stopped all communication with her. I had to. I know how insensitive people can be, you need to vent. We’re all extra sensitive, and vulnerable, since our losses. Hurts extra when we have these things said to us. I’m so sorry this happened to you!
    Everyone on this site understands how you feel. We’re here for you. Send love your way!
    Robin.
     
  9. bel

    bel Member

     
  10. bel

    bel Member

    Thanks Robin,
    I must try and find a way to ignore the insensitive comments or I will end up not talking to anyone. I do find my two dogs very comforting as they never say the wrong thing, lol.
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m right there with you. My dog is my best friend, best companion. He was also a gift from my husband. He misses his Dad.
    It’s hard to ignore insensitive comments, we need kindness and support. I believe for the most part people don’t realize how horrible their statements really are. In my case with my sister she just kept saying terrible things. If she stopped I’d be talking to her right now.
    Our dogs are constant comfort.
     
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  12. ainie

    ainie Active Member

    Yes, our dogs are wonderful support. Never pushing or criticizing just ready to lean in and give comfort. My little Dolly was Daddy's girl. When Mike died she laid on the 4th step of the stairs for over 3 weeks because she could watch the driveway from there. She was waiting for "daddy" to come home. She has now become my dog and goes everywhere with me and has moved to sleep right next to my side of the bed. She gives me a reason to get up and outside every morning.
     
    bel likes this.
  13. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    L
    Animals are super sensitive to their humans and send loving vibes out to those they love. Those of us who are lucky enough to be loved by one these adoring creatures are truly fortunate.
     
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  14. bel

    bel Member

    It is so true. We have two German shepherds and my fiancé passed away at home and my brother in law told me to let the dogs see him so they new he was gone. The dogs both howled when he passed away and then they came in to the bedroom and gave him a little lick on his face goodbye. The dogs have been my biggest comfort. If I spend a day crying they just curl up on the couch with me and I know I am still loved.
     
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  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    That’s such a touching story. We have a dachshund, my husband was feeling very sick before the pain went to his chest. When I went to check on him Ron was laying on the bathroom floor in pain. My dachshund went in and was walking on him. Licked his face and was sniffing him. Kept putting his snout right in Ron’s face. He was worried and wanted to help him. I had a tough time getting him off and out of the bathroom. Ron passed in the hospital, and Ted (our dachshund) looked for him a long time. I still see him look up the stairs, like, when is he coming down. It’s been hard on him. He knew something was wrong that’s for sure. Ted is my constant companion. Like you said, they just love!