Hello. I am new to this site. I lost my husband to esophageal cancer in September 2015 (one year and three months after his diagnosis). He was only 56. He worked hard so that we could retire in our 50s and spend time doing the things we loved (hiking, backpacking, etc.) while we were physically able. He was the love of my life, my soulmate. My grieving began on the day of his diagnosis, because the cancer was stage 4 and incurable. Until recently, I felt that I had "handled" my grief in a positive, proactive, and healthy way. I learned to surf the waves as they came. I leaned into the grief. I let the tears flow. I acknowledged the pain when it came. I practiced self-care. I read all the books to help me through the transition. I was trying to figure who I was without him and how I wanted to proceed in this "new" life. I was feeling strong and well. Then, with a snap of the fingers, my world was turned upside down. A month ago, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3 larynx cancer. Although, with treatment, his prognosis is positive, each appointment is a vivid reminder of what I went through with my husband. Talk of chemo, ports, feeding tubes, etc. have brought all the memories of my husband to the forefront of my mind. I feel like my grieving for my husband has started all over again. I cry uncontrollably while trying to remain strong for my dad. The pain of loss feels as strong as it did the day I lost my husband. My wounds were healing, but it seems as though they have been burst wide open. I know that this is a normal reaction, but I was caught off guard by the magnitude. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of situation and how they handled it. Any words of advice, wisdom, etc. will be greatly appreciated. I have also reached out to my doctor for guidance and am waiting to hear from him. Thank you. Michele
Michele, your written words are my words! Our lives parallel. Same cancer. It's been 1.5 years. Very recently, within 2-months, 3 of my cousin's husband's died. All around 50-60 years old. This brought a tsunami of raw grief of my husband. A major trigger. After a couple of weeks, fo the latest death, it has waned just a tad. This, in your face experience, again, as rough as it it, is a painful reminder that no one is getting out of here alive, no one. Death is part of life. Many people are not the type to reach out for support, keeping their grief private. But, I am the opposite. I read, Ted-Talks, You Tube anything on the grief subject, hangout with my new family of widows/ers, Hospice support groups, anyone I feel safe expressing my sorrow. They know this grief. This will be a well traveled road again and again as people I care about will left this plane. Bottom line, for me, this has made me a much more compassionate person. Knowing this tsunami will come again around the corner. There's nothing I can do but reach out to those that have been touched with this life experience. Together we will find some comfort simply talking about "it". I wish you well, Michele...
Michelle, I lost my wife in November of 17. She fought Colon cancer that had spread to her liver, which finally took her life after a 13 year battle. It was a rough 13 years. About 6 months after I buried my wife, my mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. Thank God she was in good health when diagnosed or she would have never survived the surgery. Now, needing chemo for the rest of her life, I watch her suffer through the side effects of the chemo. Not to mention that ever day the thoughts of the cancer returning are scary. I only recently started to read the Bible. Not sure why, I guess I was just reaching for help. Many times the Bible tells us to be thankful in all situations. Really hard to grab hold of that and put it into motion. But the more I thank God for what I had with my wife, had and still have with my mom, had and still have with my kids, grandkids and the rest of my family, the better I feel. I still have really bad days when I don't believe in nothing. But I can say that I have been having more and more days where the sun shines and I'm really glad I'm alive. This morning I said a prayer for everyone that was grieving today. Hopefully it will help as I know exactly how you feel. I hope you and everyone it there that is grieving has at least an "OK" day
Hi Michele, that you were not prepared for the second round was striking to me. I too thought I had already grieved before my husband passed. I wasn't as educated about it but I thought I could manage my emotions. The first snowy winter without him had me stranded at our farm with a deer mouse I had to kill. So many things kept coming yet I keptaking myself busy until I came down with shingles. After that, I could not keep from cringe with outright strangers. I learned that I had to let the tears come! I also asked God to help me somehow not loose my old cat too just yet but that I also did not want him to suffer. I trusted that God was helping and was given six months more to love him. After Ted passed, my Dad began to have some dementia and my mother also having some natural old age wears and tares. So my obvious hope then was the ask God for his mercy on the situation to show us all how to manage this till we also lay down to rest. So, little by little, I have put my trust in him, our heavenly Father. I can tell you that he is worthy of our trust.
