Regrets -does anyone else have them, how do you deal with them?

I lost my husband suddenly and very unexpectedly just under 10 weeks ago, to a cardiac event. I am totally broken hearted, and although he left that morning and we were on good terms and everything was positive we hugged, we had a good several days before that, BUT my mind keeps going back to something that i said to him 72 hours before his death, that i deeply, DEEPLY regret. i wasnt intending to hurt his feelings at the time , but i should not have said it, had more consideration of the words i used, and he told me at the time that i had hurt his feelings. i can not remember if i just shrugged it off at the time or what. we had both definitely moved past it and had a totally fine 72 hours leading up to the morning of his death, when i hugged him and watched him drive off for the very last tine, never knowing..... we were married for 44 years and knew each other for 49- yet when i got this horrific news of his death given to me by the police at my door, afterwards this is the one thing i kept going back to. Will i ever forgive myself? i dont know. I am defining a 44 year marriage into those 2 sentences, I know its crazy and i realize its not uncommon to have regrets, but it doesnt completely help- has anyone had this after a sudden loss and any words of advice.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I think we all wonder what if about something or have coulda,woulda,should thoughts. The fact that it had been days before and he hadnt brought it back means he wasnt dwelling on it. Forgive yourself. You hugged him before he drove off that day so try to focus on that. We all say things that we wish we could take back sometimes. I hope you forgive yourself.

 

Forgive yourself

 

I lost my fiancée on Father’s Day morning. Suddenly, shockingly. The previous day we were picking out wedding rings for our marriage planned in September. We made love that night and hours later I found her purple, dead and cold in the bed we shared. This has ripped me to pieces. We were both married before, have children and rebuilt our lives. I’ve never felt so utterly lost and alone. I’m not suicidal or considering anything like that. I’m just trying to dig my way out of this dark depression.

 

Sorry for your loss, to all. Regrets, yes many. As the saying goes, "you hurt the ones you love." I hang on to he knows I loved him, and I know he loved me, that's what I have to move me forward.

 

I am so very sorry for your loss!

 

thank you for this. I think especially of that last sentence you wrote and I know this be true for us as well, thank you. i iwll try and focus on that,its a good thought.

 

thank you , i will try, Its early days and I feel like i am on a hamster wheel that is constantly stopping and agonizing for awhile at the same spots before moving on again, 1) medical issues , could i have done anything different 2) saying this thing i reget 3( the vast emptiness without him 4 wishing i had appreciated everything about him more - and on an on ,till i end up back at. #1 again .

 

It is early and it's going to take time to come at piece with yourself. My fiancee died 4 months ago. I wasn't able to be with him due to covid a d other issues. He had health issues but it still happened quick. I felt like I let him down him the end by not being their. I also questioned could i have done more to help with the health issues. He was stubborn so i no i done all i could. Then i said he no i wouldve been by his side if I could've. We had talked on the phone before things turned bad joking around and we did say we live each other. I miss him everyday and so do our kids but we pray through it. Time will make you stronger to deal with all that you're contemplating.

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my father suddenly a month ago to a heart attack in his sleep, and the day before he had played his favorite game outside for the 3rd day in a row and he came back exhausted with back pain and I regretted not telling him to stay home, to just relax for once. He was retired but he never knew how to sit still for long. Maybe he wouldn't have over done it then. I feel like I let him down in some way but I know he would never blame me. It was his choice. I miss him every day and unfortunately feel so many of the "what ifs". It's a process of healing and it's hard, but I hope you're able find comfort again.

 

Susanne, Your comment really resonated with me. It's been more than a year and a half since I lost my husband to a sudden, accidental fall down a flight of stairs with his hands full of Christmas presents. I have a pretty quick temper that I've struggled with all my life, with varying degrees of success. But when he died, all I could think about were the times I'd been unkind or unfair to him, mostly because of my quick temper. I felt physically and emotionally sick. I did go to a therapist for a couple of meetings which helped a bit. But what seemed to help the most was writing down the positive things that I had given him -- things like support in difficult situations, helping him with something that was difficult for him, having his back through all our days together. I listed examples of each thing and covered a couple of pages. And then I read it back to myself and cried, of course. But it seemed to help. (To be fair, I did a similar list of all the wonderful things he had given me -- support also, patience and kindness -- with specific instances.) I don't know if this would help you feel better about your hasty words, but it might be worth a try. And always remember those 72 hours and the hug you gave each other just before he went away. I think that's what truly matters.

 

Susananne, Apologies for misspelling your name in my original message

 

OMG dude !!!!
Are you ok ?
That sounds horrific.
I'm so sorry.

 

I am so sorry this resonates with me so strongly. Breathe. And know that your fiance would want you to live with joyy - first we must grieve deeplyy as we have no choice.

 

I think we all have some regrets regarding things we said, should have done, etc. but you have to let it go and know that you did the best you could and I'm sure your loved one knows that - otherwise you will drive yourself crazy with "what ifs" that you cannot change. Take it one day at a time - grieving is a long process until you begin to heal.

 

This is very familiar. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago. There is nothing that I would not have done for him. I desperately wanted him to live. He did not want to die and said he was not ready to leave me. We loved each other. But - we were not perfect. We bickered, got frustrated with each other, and sometimes said unkind things. I wish I could take everyone of mine back and have forgiven him for his. Time may bring more peace, but I will never feel proud of it. I need to work on forgiving myself. I need to remember how deeply I love him. In your post you say you were together for over 40 years. Whatever you said to him did not represent your whole relationship. There must have been so many good times that define who you were to each other. They can fall to the background when your grief is so fresh. Your list above resonates. I cycle through a similar list of what I am upset about. Right now, mostly with myself for what I could have done differently. I try to focus on what we did for each other that showed our deep love, and there is a lot. I am hoping that those memories take over the negative ones at some point. Until then, I do the next thing on my list to get through the day and take care of myself. I do find help and understanding in these posts. Take care.

 

I am going to try these lists. It is harder for me to grieve my loss because I am so focused on what I would have done differently. We were so good to each other and I can't connect to that.

 

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I pray you peace. I am riddled with guilt over so many things I've said and done to husband that I regret and wish I could take back. My husband and I were together almost 40 years and I can honestly say I wasn't the best wife for at least 10bor more of those years. He deserved better than what I gave in so many ways. I've cried so much because we don't get do overs. I wish I had some profound advice to share but I don't. I can only say, it takes time but once you are able to forgive yourself, the haze will lighten and you will be better able to see the world around you.

 

This is a difficult circle that you can get yourself caught in - none of us are perfect, and no matter how good or bad our relationships, we all have things that we would have, could have, should have done differently. As much as Michael and I loved each other, we had disagreements, fights, and went through difficult times. I would take every one back if I could - not happening... I cannot count how many times I have asked god if I could have one chance to do it over, do it right. We are all human. In most situations, everyone is trying to do their best. What I also know is that Michael and I woke up each morning trying to be better people. Overwhelmingly good to each other. But we always remember our shortcomings. Working on forgiving myself for any times I hurt him and have forgiven him long ago. Praying for all of us to have peace.

 

It is a daily task, forgiving myself. I went through something similar when my son was murdered. We had a fight the night he left home. He was doing things I didn't like and we exchanged tense words ending with him saying he was never coming back home and me saying that was fine by me. Less than 2 weeks later detectives came to my job with pictures of his tattoos asking if I recognized them. He'd been shot to death in a robbery. All I could think about was did he know how much I loved him. It took several years before I made peace with myself and was able to deal with the loss. It's been 14 years and I finally have a bit of peace. I know in my heart that my husband loved me deeply and I believe he knew how much I loved him. In time I hope I will have the sense of peace with his loss as I do with my son.