Recent loss, can’t seem to catch my breath

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Colly721, Feb 12, 2020.

  1. Colly721

    Colly721 New Member

    I lost my fiancé (soon to be spouse) very recently suddenly. He was young, full of life. We haven’t even gotten the determination of what caused his passing yet. He fell asleep and didn’t wake up. I can’t seem to catch my breath. I’m not sleeping, barely eating. I’m back to work and I find myself just staring at my walls. Every time I get my mind off of this feeling I’m sucked back into the hurt and the pain and I lose my breath again. I keep grabbing my phone to send him a text, check if he texted me. Keep picturing his face and the way he held me. I’ve lost friends and family members before. I’ve grieved before. This is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I feel like my heart hurts. I keep begging him to come to me in my dreams and he hasn’t. I’m having a really hard time.
     
  2. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this horrible pain. I know that words can’t help much right now, but please keep reaching out to this community of people, who truly understand what you are going through. We care and want to help if we can. There is no pain like what you are going through right now. The people who haven’t gone through this horrible pain can’t possibly understand what you are experiencing. Just keep reaching out. I’m praying for you and your loved ones.
    God bless you and ease your pain.

    Bill
     
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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    My heart breaks for you, I am so sorry for you loss. I wish I could magically take your pain away, and everyone else on this site too. However this site is so helpful, everyone here knows the pain and understands what it feels like and are very compassionate and caring. People in our day to day life just don’t understand because they haven’t gone through this. The need to text has been a huge issue for me too. I know how you’re feeling, just wanting a text to come in from him. Everything you’re feeling is normal, but very difficult to live through. A loss like this is devastating to say the least, and yes, our hearts do hurt and ache. Hard to eat, sleep, concentrate, hard to just be, life becomes a fog. It’s painful
    I lost the love of my life after 41 years of blissful marriage to a massive heart attack a little over a year ago. Two hours and he was gone from my life. I’m afraid I’m still suffering and having a hard time, I’m actually missing him more. But there’s great support on this site that helps me through each day and everyone is here for you too. What helps me the most is to try and stay busy, I think your loss is very recent so be sure to accept any offer of help you get, take each day at a time, one hour or minute by minute. Don’t push yourself too hard, most things can wait. And keep the hope for that dream, it’ll happen.
    There’s a whole community of people here helping each other, we’re here for you
    Take care, you’re in my prayers.
     
  4. Colly721

    Colly721 New Member

    Thank you all for the kind words. This pain is unimaginable. Every time I feel a little better the hurt floods back in. Your responses and stories make me feel hopeful that it will subside, even if only a little. Our children are suffering, our families are suffering. I know in my heart he is with me and wants me to smile, be happy and think of our memories with light in my eyes instead of tears. It’s just so hard to handle this without him. He was my person to get me through things such as this. My heart aches for him. I’m floating through the days in such a haze. I just want him back and I’m not sure what hurts more. That thought or the realization that he isn’t coming back. God bless you all and thank you again for your kind words and advice.
     
  5. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Hi Colly
    I think, that despite the horrible pain that we are experiencing, we, as a small group, we’re blessed to have found such profound love in our lives. Janet and I have discussed the why’s of our existence, and, we determined that, at least for us, our job was to find and perpetuate true love. We, as a part of this community, are lucky enough to be a part of this pain and plan. Despite the horrible hurt that we have. It’s a very tough concept to accept, “l’m lucky to hurt so bad”
    If we hadn’t found this epic love, we wouldn’t be suffering so much.
    But we found that love, and I feel blessed that we did.

    Bill
    God Bless You All
     
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  6. Colly721

    Colly721 New Member


    Thank you for saying that. I have been coming out of the fog this week and weekend and have started to realize that this wouldn’t hurt so bad if our love didn’t mean so much. It just keeps flooding back in with every activity, every song, simply walking. I’m at work and I keep grabbing my phone to see what texts I missed. There are none. I know it’s habit, and I know it’ll lessen with time. I can’t imagine how I will ever feel like this for anyone again. I’m young, he was young. We had our lives and our children’s lives planned and ready. In a matter of a second everything changed. I find myself just going through the motions of my day. Hoping like hell it will just kick me back into normalcy. However, I need to realize that this is just a new normal. I can’t just go back to who I was or what I was doing when I was with him. When he was here with input and substance. I find myself grabbing my own hip at night and caressing my own face. Hoping it would feel like his and it just doesn’t. This just doesn’t make sense. This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. But who am I to say what is supposed to happen? Do I really have to wait for so long to see him again? And I can’t do anything about it. I go visit a marble wall with his name on it knowing he’s behind that wall lying peacefully without me. My son is bringing me out of this pain, he makes me laugh, he keeps me motivated and doing activities. I can’t just roll over and go to sleep ya know? I guess I’m just having a hard day today. Sunday Funday was our thing with the kids. Thank you for your kind words. This pain is unbearable, but, it gives me hope.
     
  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    We all say this wasn't supposed to happen, we feel cheated for them and ourselves, it's difficult and painful. Take comfort in knowing that he would want you
    to be happy and live life. Of course, your loss doesn't make sense and you're right when you talk about loving so much. Continue to love, that doesn't have to end, continue to have hope.

    I've been told that the heart expands and it's possible to love again, it will be different because people are different. Time will tell on that one for you and me as well, I want to be open to the possibility, I would want that for my husband. He loved life, I know he'd say remember me, remember the good times and the joy. I'm so sorry to hear that you were just starting out, this must be especially hard. My thoughts are with you.
     
  8. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the best things happen to you later in life. I had been married, unsuccessfully, four times when I
    met Janet. I was a “wild and crazy guy” and not good husband material by any stretch of the imagination.
    Then, I met Janet and everything changed. She would not be in a serious relationship outside of marriage. I said OK, and we got married (Me for the 5th and last time) this started the best and most wonderful 25 years of my life. It took me 60 years to find my soulmate, and I’m so grateful I found her.
    Less than thirty minutes after I held her hand as she left this earth, I reached out to technology and sent Janet a text, a practice I have continued at least twice a day ever since. It really helps me.
    There are no words to alleviate the pain you are experiencing. Just do your best, minute by minute.

    Bill
     
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    This journey we’re all trying to navigate through sure is a rough one, the person we each depended on to help us through difficult times has been taken from us, and we need them more then ever. This is the hardest thing any of us has ever dealt with and there’s no way to be prepared for any of it. I’m told that at some point the wonderful happy memories will eventually make us smile again. I’m not at that point, everything still makes me cry, I miss him so much. He was my rock, my everything. We were together 24/7 now I’m alone most the time and hate it. I’m happy you have children that make you smile even if just for a moment. My daughter is my lifesaver and does that for me as well. I have trouble staying busy, I have no desire. Ive told my children I feel I no longer have a purpose, that’s exactly how I feel. They each told me yes you do we need you. Ron and I had discussions about moving on and living life if one of us passed. I told him you know that’s next to impossible right? He agreed.
    I’m actually feeling worse as time passes, at least right now. The haze you speak of is so hard to get past. Like it’s been mentioned, we’ve all been lucky to have had found and experienced such love. If we didn’t experience such love maybe we wouldn’t feel like our lives are over, but that’s ridiculous, we need to cherish what we had and hope to be able to smile as we remember wonderful times.
    When this journey started for me, I couldn’t do anything, I was living in a deep fog, I couldn’t eat couldn’t sleep didn’t leave the house. Now I am eating I do go out and when I feel overwhelmed I head back home. I still have trouble sleeping but I am sleeping some. So, yes for me it’s been a long process, baby steps but I’m certInly better then I was. You’re not alone in how you feel, I found that comforting hopefully you do too. It’s horrible but it’s normal. I believe with all my heart that our loved ones are watching over us
     
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