QUESTION TO EVERYONE WHO HAS MADE IT TO 1 YEAR AND BEYOND.

I'VE HEARD THE FIRST YEAR IS THE HARDEST. I'M ON MY 9TH MONTH OF LOSING MY HUSBAND TO CANCER AND ITS NOT GETTING BETTER FOR ME.

I REALIZE ITS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE AND THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES. FOR ME I JUST CANT LET GO HE'S GONE.

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF ANYONE CAN TESTIFY TO THIS. I GUESS I'M HOPING IT'S TRUE FOR MOST PEOPLE, MAYBE TRUE MAYBE NOT.

I'M JUST A DESPERATE GRIEVING WIDOW LOOKING FOR SOME KIND OF COMFORT FROM THIS TERRIBLE JOURNEY. THANKS FOR READING, BLESSINGS TO ALL, KAREN

 

Karen,
I was relieved to get through the first year, when all the firsts came I prepared myself and was able to get through it some how. The second year I thought I was all set. But I would have moments of sobbing for no particular reason, I hate being caught off guard. The loneliness, the empty chair, watching a movie Jeff would of liked, these all would hit me like a brick wall.
I can’t say it gets better, I think it’s more like grief becomes familiar. I still think about Jeff everyday I also talk to him constantly. And yes I still cry quite often. But I also laugh when I see his mannerisms in my grandchildren, when I hear my children talking about old times and “what Dad would say”. It doesn’t get better it’s just different.
Peace
Mary

 

THANK YOU MARY, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY. PEACE TO U TOO.

 

Mary,

What you said, "I can't say it gets better, I think it's more like grief becomes familiar," is sort of like what my friend, who is also a widow, who lives near me, said to me. Her husband died 18 months ago.

Your response to Karen, gives me hope that someday, I'll be able to laugh again too, when talking about the past.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

I'm not as far along in my grief journey as you are, so I can't respond to this thread, but I'm glad you started it. It helps me too.

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Here is something that I found to be helpful. The ball is your grief and the box is your life.


I do disagree about grief getting smaller. I subscribe to the Tonkin theory where grief stays the same size but you grow around your grief and that your life gets bigger.
Peace
Mary

 

Mary,

The social worker who runs my bereavement support group (his wife died several years ago) believes this too. I'm glad you mentioned it here, because in my current state of "brain fog," I remember him saying this, but couldn't verbalize it. Thank you for sharing.

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

 

GROW AROUND YOUR GRIEF, AND YOUR LIFE GETS BIGGER, I LIKE THAT.

 

Hi Karen, I’m Michael

August 12 made the one year anniversary on the death of my wife, Debi. I still think of her all the time. It’s not “easier” but rather more of getting used to her not being here. I still have times where I reach for the phone to call and tell her I’m working late, or guess what I saw etc and realize that I can’t call her. I found an old video on my phone I made of the puppy tearing up something, and I thought it was funny, I never play videos on phone with sound on. I accidentally had sound on this (for first time over a year later) and I could hear Debi call my name, which is why I must’ve stopped recording, I went to help her I assume). It felt sooooooooo good to hear her voice say my name.
We had her memorial service Aug 8 of this year so her family from out of town could make it. Only a few did. We put it on facebook live for them. I thought I would be able to handle the service, seeing it was only 4 days shy of a year, but I was a wreck. Cried entire service. I heard some of it but was zoned out during most of it. I will watch it but not now.
Now it’s starting to feel distant from her. Time was so slow , but now the hustle and bustle of life, time , for me, is starting to go a little quicker again.
I hope the best for you
Michael

 

HI MICHAEL. I'M SO GLAD YOU POSTED THIS. HEARING DEBI'S VOICE MUST OF BEEN JOYFUL AND PAINFUL ALL AT THE SAME TIME. IT WILL BE ONE YEAR FOR ME NOV 4TH SINCE MY HUSBAND PASSED AND ITS NOT GETTING BETTER. I'M WAITING FOR THE TIME I WILL GROW AROUND THIS PAINFUL GRIEF. I'M VERY HAPPY YOU ARE STARTING TO FEEL DISTANT, ITS PART OF ACCEPTANCE. THANK YOU FOR SHARING, KAREN

 

Hi Karen --

I lost my second wife a little over a year ago. September 22nd will be 14 months. I lost my first wife in November 2000. I thought it would be easier this time around, but it has been worse -- A LOT worse.

Believe me, I understand about having a hard time letting go. I was with my second wife when she had the fall that ultimately claimed her life. We were walking around our neighborhood and we weren't even 50 yards from our front door when my wife tripped and fell on the sidewalk. She went down head-first. I was right next to her, holding her by the arm. I kept thinking if I'd only reacted faster she'd still be alive.

Fast-forward to today. I agree with the people who say the first year is the hardest because of all the holidays and special days you spend without your spouse for the first time. I've made it through the first year and it's just now that I'm starting to feel like I'm turning the corner. I didn't do Thanksgiving or Christmas at all last year (didn't even decorate the house), but this year I'm actually looking forward to having the family over for a non-traditional Thanksgiving dinner and decorating the house for Christmas -- even though I'm betting there will be some painful moments.

The one thing that keeps me going is the thought of my wives and what they would want for me. I know -- SO cliché -- but I believe your husband would want you to go on living and be happy. Sure, he'd understand that you miss him and it hurts and you get lonely, but he'd want you to get through it as best you can and come out the other side stronger. The goods news is YOU CAN do it, and you have people here and in your own community that can help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

I'm so sorry you lost two wives, I can't imagine what you went through. Your words are very encouraging especially when you said, YOU CAN. That gives me some hope that their may be a future and a purpose. Thank you for posting, Karen

 

I'm only at one month, but I was curious to see what people said about the long haul and I saw your diagram reference. Thank you for that. I am quite analytical and having a model to look at that makes sense is great.

 

Yes, without question my first year was the the worst - nearly deadly for me!
As I sat preparing my suicide, God whispered in my ear. The meaning of what He said was this,
"Get up. Go out. Don't die. LIVE!"
Later I left our home, married and moved to Florida.
Even now, however, I still have bouts of grief and pain and I know that the life we created together is now part of eternity.
That life led me to who I am today and I am richly grateful for it!
So 'Get up. Go out. Don't die. LIVE!'
My late wife of 52 years has been gone for 5 years
God's love has your back.
DJ

 

Thank you DJ, I till be one year since my husband died on Nov 4th. God's whisper to you meant you are not ready to leave earth.
I don't know if the first year is the worst yet, but maybe as I move on I will know. Thank you for posting. Blessings to you, Karen

 

When just one other person is touched by the grief we share it is like giving honor to the life and love for which we grieve.
Thank you, thank you.
DJ

 

DJ, welcome to Grief in Common. Our site
was rebooted this afternoon, and when
I got back on, I saw your conversation
with my friend Karen. My name is Lou.
My wife's name was Linda. She died
suddenly in front of me, 3 years ago. We
had been married 25 years. She was 68.
Hope to "talk" with you soon. Lou

 

Deb, you may have had trouble with your
Internet service, but I was in a panic that
I had been kicked off GIC for some reason.
I contacted Karyn who told me this site was rebooted today for 4 hours.
I STILL
couldn't get back in, and bothered Karyn
again, insinuating this was a Halloween
prank. The Tasmanian Devil, as Linda
used to call me, raised his ugly head.
Karyn told me to be patient, not one of my
strong suits. Sure enough, I saw Stacey's
post, was thrilled at her courage, and
replied immediately. Then, I answered
George, who hasn't replied yet. Then,
came the hardest part, trying to find you.
I told George that if I couldn't find my "Den
Mother " (!) , Deb, that I wouldn't be able
to sleep. When I looked you up, it said
I was "ignoring" you. Really??!! Well,
finally, my prayers were answered and I
saw your warm reply to Stacey. Then, I
saw your spot on review of Boynton Beach.
I loved the Brenda Vacarro character, and
laughed about Joe Bologna's mentoring
of the Len Cariou character. So glad & proud of you, Deb, for watching it. The
Neck was a festive carnival today. Sunny,
60s, everyone was there. Barbie wore a
black & white polka dot outfit, topped off
by a hideously smiling clown head, the
character of "IT" in the Stephen King
horror film. Guppa was wearing a
completely red hoodie, with horns, as the
devil! I sat next to them with Ginny, and
we watched the parade of both tourists &
locals. My fears of the last hurrah of all
the shops, were unfounded. Thank you
for your kind encouragement about Wed.
NOW, I can sleep, Deb, and I hope you
can, too. "Talk" tomorrow! Lou

 

Lou, I saw that the site was booted out. I don't know why.
Anyway, I will be back, officially, on line Tues maybe Monday night. I have to catch up on everyone's responses.

Looking forward to getting back to you all. Blessings, Karen

 

Yes, Hawk true. I had a spiritual thought that came to me this evening. I sat on the deck with my coat and hat and thought of my husband, Jack. What would he say to me knowing how miserable I am after one year? I know him, he would be so sad that I'm still grieving, not living life, not wanting to live, cry so often. I know he would be very very sad for me. He always wanted happiness for me and I know he would say, "Go live and be happy".

Well, "Get up, Go out, Don't die, Live. God's love has you back. I will never forget that phrase.

Hawk that phrase is repeating in my brain daily, thank you and I hope everyone on this site reads this. You have gone through major losses, but you're giving back to us just being on this site. Oh, if you wonder about abbreviations we are called, Grief Warriors, which you may see the abbreviation GW. Or abbreviation TU, meaning Total Understatement. We all were just being silly coming up with sayings. I call the stories here as reading continual chapters in the GW book. So, we try to get some humor and past movies we've watch, and more. If you don't know an abbreviation ask, I had to.

Looking forward to you joining the group. Oh, by-the-way, I'm not a big talker as many are but they still like me--I check in to let them to let them know I'm still alive, although 1/2 of me went with Jack and the 1/2 is still here wondering what I will do with my life. Blessings, Karen