PTSD and Anger

Hello All..
New member as of today. In a few weeks it will be the 1 year anniversary of the call that changed my life. My father was in the hospital and unresponsive. What came after was a horrific, gruesome and heartbreaking 5 week decline that ended on Sept. 12 2019.

I have since been diagnosed with PTSD by more than a few doctors, am being treated for extreme weight loss, hair falling out and anger, anger, anger. All the time - just beneath the surface. Anyone going through this? Just mad and lashing out, torturing yourself at night mentally because you don't want to be lashing out at the ones you love..

 

Hello @KristenS I am 20 years old, my boyfriend of 1.5 years passed away at 22 of a heart attack, he was with me at my house when it all happened, in the autopsy, they found out he had cardiomegaly and that was the cause. He passed away 10 months ago. I have never been diagnosed with PTSD but from what I've been through, I have a lot of characteristics, since day one, I have had panic attacks, sometimes with triggers and others unexpected. I have found myself with a lot of anger lately, I feel so alone and I just envy every couple I see, why can they be happy and I just can't? What did I do?
I agree, the nights are the worse, so much nostalgia, pain, memories, it is to much.
My boyfriend's anniversary will be soon too, three days after my birthday, I don't want to exist, it will be so painful spending it without him and I am nervous about his anniversary, I don't know how my heart will deal with it.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to to through this Selma. I understand your symptoms. I have a really hard time being around my friend who is recently married and just got a house etc. I'm jealous and angry all the time. Dont want to hear about others getting engaged or having babies.. none of it.
I understand..

 

I’m also feeling very angry. It’s been 3 years since my dad passed away. I was 20 years old. He was sick for a few years with a terminal illness. When he went in for a transplant to save his life, it ended up taking him. I arrived to the hospital late, high, and in shock. So in shock I couldn’t show emotion. I feel so guilty still and so angry that I can hardly even speak to my family about it. Everyone around me tells me all the cliche things about how he forgives me and he is in a better place but I just can’t accept that. I believe it but my heart won’t hear it. I am in so much pain it is indescribable and I don’t know why the pain is so fresh 3 years later. Yesterday was the anniversary of his death and I had a massive panic attack in the shower. Too many flashbacks from that day. My partner came in to help but ended up just asking if I wanted to watch a movie. I know it makes people uncomfortable but when will someone see my pain. Will anyone ever care? Because I feel like I am slipping.

 

@Jbali Hi, I know our situations are completely different but I believe I can understand a little bit about it, I was 20 when my boyfriend died of a heart attack in front of me, a year ago. I can't say that I have healed, not even a little bit, but I am trying to let go of the guilt. I think it is the hardest thing to heal. I will have to tell you something that maybe you don't want to hear and I am sorry but, you can let go of that guilt because there was nothing you could have done, he was sick, he is you father and even if you would have killed him, the is no way he would hate you or have any resentment towards you. I don't know you but from what I can read, you really love your father and maybe having him go when you were only 20 has to be very difficult, but for what I can tell you is that talking about it has helped me a lot. I will be honest, I can't really talk about with my friends of family but therapy has been wonderful for me. I can let all of my emotions out, I cry a lot of course, but It is really healing, I recommend you try it.
I had a lot of problems with my family and friends for the same thing, I felt like nobody cared (of course I lost a lot of people because some of them really didn't care) then, I learned, nobody understands my pain like I do and sometimes, they don't know how to react, but if you want to talk about it, tell them, if you want to be distracted, tell them and if you want to be totally alone, tell them, if they love you, they will respect your decision.
Whatever you need, I am here for you.

 

Hi Selma, my name is Jessica. I appreciate you taking the time to respond and I definitely feel like our situations are similar. I’m so sorry you had to see what you did..If you are ever having a moment you feel you might not get through, don’t be afraid to reach out. I have many nights where the flashbacks play like a movie and it takes me back to that exact moment, feelings and all. But you’re right. There is nothing either of us could have done differently except for be there, and we were and that’s all that matters now. They would want us to take care of ourselves, which is so hard to do sometimes. It kills me knowing someone had a similar experience with someone they loved so deep..but it also gives me relief knowing I am not alone in my experiences. This is such a comforting forum, I can’t believe I’ve found such great people in a short amount of time. Thank you.

 

Hi Jessica, thank you, I am here for you too. I think we have a lot in common, and I totally understand the flashbacks, even after a year, I still have a hard time controlling those thoughts. I won't lie, meds have helped a lot but I know time helps too, so don't feel pressured to heal, I have always been someone who thought a lot about the future, but now, that everything is so uncertain, I take it one day at a time and it works. I am so sorry for what you have gone through, you are so strong, believe me please, talking about your feelings, helps to let go of all that pressure and pain and opens a door to heal. I am here for you, you are not alone.