Power of Music

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by paul tinker, Mar 9, 2019.

  1. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    I have been here for a while. The grieving process has been long and painful as you all are experiencing. I quit many prior activities like TV, Sports Radio, and Movies take a couple of days to get thru. The nerves are so raw. The two things that make this tolerable are close friends and music. I spend hours in music. Sometimes very emotional songs and just let the tears roll. Sometimes powerful gospel or well-loved rock. I might choose Tom Petty, Running Down A dream, Aretha Franklin with Mavis Staples singing, Oh Happy Day, or Willie Nelson, Always on my Mind. Sometimes the sorrow is too much. I choose music with drive and power to counter the sorrow. This has helped. Maybe some of you have to go to music? Share if you feel like it. As I type Tom Petty is doing, " Something Good Coming". Very moving with some sorrow and optimism. Just suits my mood. Hope this is useful. Best to all of us. May we love our partners and live life in a respectful remembrance.
    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  2. Saintgrl74

    Saintgrl74 Active Member

    About a month after my husband died I was driving down the highway in his car bc mine had been totaled the day after the funeral (long story). I was talking to him out loud, telling him that I didn’t know how I was going to do this without him, raise our son, any of it. I turned on the radio and immediately “Hello, It’s Me” by Todd Rundgen played and this beautiful sunset was coming up on the horizon. I have no doubt it was him. We were in a fight when he died, and I didn’t get to say goodbye or say I was sorry. But in that moment, I felt like he was just letting me know it’s ok and gonna be ok.
    The song also popped up in Home Depot when I was with my sister and I had just made a selection on carpet runners, and told him thanks for the approval, which freaked out my sister bc I had just told her the story, but anyway...
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  3. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Saint first of all thanks for the response. I am such a people person and so was Kay, my wife. There was a Gal here for a while that talked about the number 51 and it was part of her site handle. It was a symbolic number that would appear both during her marriage and after. A very confirming experience. A part of the grief process is recrimination. I spent a ton of time on that. A lot was over the top but some were true. We did not have a perfect marriage and there are some regrets. Some big ones. I do a ritual of her picture on the coffee table, fresh flowers every week, sympathy cards a small urn, and candles. I light the candles and talk to her. I ask her to direct my life or keep an eye out. Somehow I think she understands and approves. I will tell how much I loved her and tell all the good and not so good. I am also into Tom Petty song: Swingin. She could be like the chorus and not go down without a fight. I liked her that way. Grit with a ton of heart. She was and is stunning.

    As always best to you and all here.

    Saintgrl74 likes this.
  4. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Paul,
    Yup, I go for classical like
    Chopin's etudes and
    nocturnes like opus 10#3
    opus9 #2 and the moonlight
    sonata by Beethoven as well
    As his Pathetique. A bit of
    country blues, jazz and pops.
    I was practicing piano and
    still have a very good Yamaha
    stage piano with amp, good
    feel to the keys and has a
    Sustain pedal and an amp.
    So when I get ready I can get
    back to making a bit of music.
    Check out Bob Dylan' s
    'To Ramona'

    Got back on my motorcycles,
    A 91 Harley Sporty1200 and
    Wide glide 1690 c.c. cruiser
    So that helps.

    Take care Paul,
    Ray G.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Ray, I enjoy your range. Moonlight of course. The others I may have to check out on a pending road trip to Oregon. I do like the Harley/Mass combo as well. Music the listening is great but creating and doing so much the better. I do love being present when the music folks are in the zone. A video you might like is Seymour Bernstein an introduction. He had been a concert pianist high end. Then went to teaching. The video is Seymour: An Introduction. He just nails about ten life-affirming observations. I have with a few friends had them watch it. Really I just want to see if they agree.

    Appears that you are putting a good deal into this site. I do appreciate the realness and sincerity of all those who post or just read. We are a community of sorts and if we can collectively provide some understanding and refuge then we are to some degree proactive in our process. I sometimes will say, there are worse things I can do with my time.

    As always best to you Ray and all of us.

    Paul M
  6. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Hey Tinker my wife and I were very much into the music scene, our thing was concerts of the returning oldies but goodies, our generation you know like bob Seeger, Steve Miller, heart, Peter Frampton and groups like that, we also would hit the new stuff that was good. I have story to tell you that happen to me on mother’s day. My wife passed from cancer on 4-15-19, she had a new favorite song out by Leon bridges called river, well anyway she asked me to play that song for her when she passed in the hospital which I did. Now skip forward to her me memorial, river was the last song played. Now skip forward to Mother’s Day, I take some roses out to my wife’s grave, as I’m driving I’m listening to some songs playing by shuffle on my phone through my car, I have over 100 songs on my phone but as soon as I get across the threshold of the cemetery the song River starts playing . It’s a nice day so I roll down my windows and turn it up some but not enough to annoy the other visitors, I drive slow to the back of the cemetery where she is located and after wiping my tears away the song ends. I kid you not! It felt like she was saying hi. It was a peaceful easy feelings.
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  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    JohnFS glad to see Bob Seger on your list. You tell a good story. Having been here for a while a few stories similar to yours have been recounted. Chelle51 has talked about the number 51. A special number that her departed husband had a connection to. That number kept reappearing in unexpected places. It was a confirmation for her. In general, we in a deep grief process have for lack of a better word an aperture wide open. I often go to kind of stare. Fine detail focus has been offline for some time. Also referred to as grief fog. Thanks for sharing your experience, John. I will play your wife's song. I often type to music.

    Best to you and all of us.

    Paul M.
  8. Tim Smith

    Tim Smith New Member

    Paul, your post caught my eye. My wife died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago. It has ben a tough 4 weeks. Music was something we shared. It was always playing. We held a memorial service for her last week and I got comfort from assembling a playlist that played for the hour prior to the start of the service. It was a collection of some of her favorite songs, all of which were part of a theme that tied to the eulogy I read. I sobbed as I sampled song after song while searching for just the right ones. I can now listen to some of that playlist with no tears, just smiles. Some songs do bring tears -- those rogue waves of tears -- but I do find so much comfort in music. If I feel tears welling up, I play one of the playlist songs that's sure to trigger a tidal wave of tears. Feels good to release it. If I'm feeling even a little joyful, I put on something from that list that I can sing to. It brings back memories that help me smile.
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  9. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Tim glad you have found a space that is livable. Yes, tears are an out let and release. Sudden and at the age of 54. I am also glad that music keeps the bond alive and you can be with her. Should you wish to share some of that playlist that would be great. My wife, Kay was a huge fan of Jackson Brown and Emmylou Harris. She and I attended both, in concert, a few times. Nice that you are comfortable or accept the tears. Also great you can smile with those so many wonderful memories. Your focus can be outward and with her. Best to you Tim. You loved well and it comes thru in how you write. I am sure she was and is so special.
  10. KB3

    KB3 Member

    Ya'll have some great taste in music! When my husband was on hospice, he couldn't talk much, was a bit out of it, but I know he understood me and after saying all I could've possibly said to him, I just started singing our favorite songs. Led Zeppelin, Blind Melon, Ween, Jane's Addiction, the Eagles, and even Mariah Carey's - Always Be My Baby. I felt it was healing for both of us. Just moments before he passed, we were all gathered around him and sang Blind Melon's, "Change". It was an amazing moment of peace and comfort just before the shocking wave of grief was about to hit.
    Now when I sing the songs, I still feel like he's listening.
  11. JohnFS

    JohnFS Well-Known Member

    Wow! Thanks for sharing your special memory, that was a really amazing way to let him go. I played the song river by Leon Bridges for my wife at that moment. Something about music makes it a more heartfelt memory
  12. Julien

    Julien Well-Known Member

    As a piano player (by ear and notes) I am loving this blog about the music. Heard a statement once about how if there wasn't any sadness, there would be no music because the blend of off notes and minor chords make the brilliance of the melody have depth and shine brighter. Guess the music touches where it's hard to reach...getting out of our head and into our heart, where life is. I am coming to appreciate now even the tears brought on by whatever. It's like a visit with my darling.
    KB3 likes this.
  13. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    JohnFS and Julen appreciated both of your comments. There is a documentary called Seymour Bernstein: An Introduction. He had been a performing concert pianist and then teacher and mentor. He was from humble beginnings. This really not for everyone and I hesitate to reference it here. He is brilliant and has so much insight into what music is. I have watched ten times and have loaned it to others. Just a candid behind the scenes and how our loved music is created. The word craftsmen were used a few times.
    Julien likes this.
  14. Julien

    Julien Well-Known Member

    Thank you Paul! Great gift idea for my grandson who is coming on with piano.
    I had two songs stand out to me in our final week. My dog kept changing the radio station in the car somehow so I left it on 'the message" station. The song "All my hope, by Crowder" was playing before I went in the hospital and "Good,Good Father, by Chris Tomlin" was playing as I came out. I have come to love all the station's songs but these two seemed highlighted and if possible seemed to convey more than I could have heard by outright words. When they come on now, it puts me in that place with Ted still here. That piece of heaven on earth!
  15. LindaH

    LindaH Well-Known Member

    Our song was Unchained Melody by the Righteous brothers. It has come on the radio twice when I was really low.
    On our Anniversary I was driving to Cemetery and it came on. Of course I had to pull off road and cry till it was over. Try to explain that to the police that had stopped to see if I was alright.

    Its come on a couple times since at my lowest point. I think he is telling me that he still loves me.
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  16. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Linda H I have played that one a few times, very moving. Julien, we have talked a bit. One Gal Chelle51 is a 38-year-old woman who is a fabulous Christian. Her story and attached blog will move you. Her struggle and guts to care for an already wheelchair bond husband was, as they say, left it all on the field. Truly amazing. We chatted a good deal comparing notes on our caregiver experience. She turned me on to John Lucas. album: Promised Land, song Time. So beautiful and moving. An acoustic guitar with some instrumentals. I passed this on to Kays siblings who are waking the path. Jullien, I will look up your choices on youtube. I actually do that for anyone's selections on this tread. I am playing him now, so beautiful. Chelle51 a somewhat petite woman but she went the distance and then some, inspirational!!! " I don't know the end or tomorrows story but I have found the one who gives me rest......". His lyrics are so good. I will likely repeat 20 times.
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  17. Julien

    Julien Well-Known Member

    There is a bona-fide song for widows and widowers you can type in at you tube by a group called Third Day. The song is "Cry Out To Jesus" .

    Thanks Paul...The promised land album sounds great and thank you to Chell51.
    paul tinker likes this.
  18. Hi Paul I am a singer/songwriter and performance mentor and have continued to perform since my husband dies May 22. It is something we often did together as well and as painful as it is to not have him here...the music heals little bits of me that are broken all over the place.
    paul tinker likes this.
  19. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Hi Patti.
    First of all condolences on the husband and life partner. I am if anything perhaps a book worm. The problem being the brain fog as often described here limits that way of being in the world. I do admire the music people like your self. Best to you. Like first loves that first music that attracted you. For me For What Its Worth, Buffalo Springfield. Steven Stills. Sometimes attached to Kent State but really was hanging out in downtown LA. Best lyric is Nobody is right if everybody is wrong. The affect for me is the melody and meditative experience. My imagination travels to that song.
  20. Dave33085

    Dave33085 Well-Known Member

    Wow, that song so reminds me of my wife. I lost her almost 2 years ago and that song reminds me of her as we danced to it so many times at weddings. I used to sing it in her ear as we were dancing. I still cry today when I hear that song. It's not fair that these songs seem to find the worst time to play.