over 3 years since i lost my boyfriend, still feels like yesterday

I dont know if I’m dealing with “complex grief” or what. Matt and I were always together and never ran out of things to talk about. We lived together for 3 and a half years until one night he had a seizure in iur apartment and I wasn’t in the room to catch his fall. I’m typing this and it still feels surreal. I’m crying because I can’t believe I’m here on this website and not just hanging out joking with Matt. I’m sorry if you’re reading this because this isn’t very interesting. It’s so hard. If you’ve lost someone, you know how hard it is. What’s crazy is that I’ve been okay. I’ve even had relationships since Matt. I knew him SO well and we were so close, and I know he’d be sad that I was feeling this way and would want me to be happy. That sounds cliche but I really feel that way about Matt. Anyway, it’s been 3 years and I dont know what to say.. I even have interest in a couple guys at the moment, and am sad about an ex of mine, but my God.. it always comes back to how Matt’s not here. There is SUCH a hole in my heart without him. Since it happened, I almost immediately went into this state of mind where like, I can’t let myself get sad about it, ya know? If I actually let myself feel the way I do deep down, I wouldn’t make it through the day. So I’ve just been as “brave” as I possibly can be..and distracted myself and just tried to be happy. So, when it all hits me like it’s hitting me tonight, it feels like it just happened. I have all this pent up sadness. I’m sorry, again, if you read this. It wasn’t organized and I didn’t make any points. Thanks for listening, and I hope you’re doing okay.

 

Mary,
I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. It sounds like what you and Matt had was the real thing, the love that would last a life time. Is it possible you didn’t fully grieve his passing? The pain was so deep you tried to stay so busy or distracted to keep those feelings hidden or buried. Then sometimes those feeling just can’t be buried any longer. I’m certainly no expert, but I did lose my husband of 41 years very suddenly to a massive heart attack. He had no previous health issues, it came out of no where and took my everything from me in 2 hours. That was 21 months ago. I miss him every minute of every day. If anyone should ask how I’m doing I say I’m ok, that’s what people want to hear and I don’t want to be judged. But I do cry often and have anxiety, hate being alone, etc. maybe you need to let some of that pain surface and out of your system. Or maybe you did grieve Matt but sometimes it just comes back in a deep way. There is no time frame for how long someone grieves. In fact I believe we continue to grieve their loss. Not like it just happened but the loss is always with us. This site and the people on here are very helpful, and talking about our losses with people who understand the pain helps a lot. Read other people’s stories and share more of your own. It helps. Let the tears happen, that helps too.
Be kind to yourself