It's been a month and two days but seems worse, if anything, than it did.. I spent the last 3 mos prior to June 30th grieving his loss as I could see him slipping away. We fought a long hard tough battle for 5 years.. Over 40+ hospital visits of which 35+ turned into admissions. We beat stage 4 cancer even. I fed him via a tube for months. I couldn't believed we survived. Little did I know it was only the beginning. The things I've experienced and have seen, I can't UNsee them. There are sounds that play in my head like a loop tape that are from a horror movie. My husband was a fighter, as was I because I never let him give up. I continued to give him reasons to go on. Eventually I knew there was nothing left I could say or do. Other than hold his hand and tell him how deeply I loved him. It was so hard to accept we had to accept defeat after a 5 year battle with heart disease. But that man deserves everything and more we are promised in life. In eternal life. He loved unconditionally, he helped everyone regardless, he was a wonderful provider, companion, father, and undoubtedly my best friend I've ever had an will ever have. To say I miss him is an understatement. He could make me laugh until I hurt.. I miss his hugs. His loving hugs. I took them for granted as so many of us do when we aren't thinking about them being gone one day. He had so much to offer this world. And it was obvious at his memorial when it was 400+ people standing room only. I felt so honored. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I'm proud to carry his last name. I know I've NEVER loved someone so deep. I've never shared my entire life with someone like I did him either. Unfortunately that is what will make this pain stay longer, and hurt more.. I don't like things anymore. Anything. I can't manage to be the person I know he wanted me to be after he passed. I don't know that I ever will not do I want to..