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Old Grief - am I crazy?

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by SarahIsh, Aug 18, 2021.

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How old is your grief?

  1. 0-1 year

    2 vote(s)
    28.6%
  2. 1-2 years

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. 2-5 years

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  4. 5-10 years

    1 vote(s)
    14.3%
  5. 10+ years

    4 vote(s)
    57.1%
  1. SarahIsh

    SarahIsh New Member

    I'd like to start with a question, do we ever stop crying for the loss of a loved one? Should there be a time limit on my grief?

    It has been 12 years since I lost my mother. I do not cry often anymore, but I do still have these crying fits maybe once or twice a year (Easter and my wedding anniversary). I personally feel that my grief has continued to progress and change and heal, but I think I will always grieve her. My husband is having a really hard time understanding this and thinks that something is wrong with me (my interpretation of what he has said). Before any of you think he is terrible, he really isn't. He is very supportive and kind he just does not understand my grief.

    Just to put it all out there. My father died when I was 3, but there is no real grief there, just some random envy when I see someone with a awesome dad. However, she was my best friend and still the greatest friend I've ever had. She was not a perfect mother, but she tried. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 12ish and I feel like this was the focal point of our little family. She had a very hard life and just didn't know how to parent. This made the two of us allies while trying to run a household that consisted of us and my two brothers with very little outside support (her parents are terrible and my dad's parents struggled with seeing us). I tell you this because our relationship was very deep and a little unconventional. We spoke nearly every day and rarely made decision without consulting each other. The only times we did not speak were when her illness caused her to be hospitalized and she was unable to communicate. When she finally died, I had all the feelings. To make the grieving process even more difficult, I was her medical proxy. I spent the first 6 months of my grief trying to come to terms with "killing" my mother. It was terrible and I feel it has delayed the rest of the grief process. I had to get over the guilt and pain of that choice as well as the trauma of physically seeing her die (I made the poor decision to stay in the room after the ventilator had been turned off) before I could even begin to process the "normal" grief of losing a loved one. Did I mention I was 26 and had just been married?

    So to summarize:
    * Lost my dad at age 3.
    * Grew up with a parent with a terminal illness.
    * Became a medical proxy for said parent at 24.
    * Took mom/bestfriend off life support at age 26.
    * Still grieving 12 years later.

    Am I unhinged? Should I be over it? Do I need intensive therapy? Can anyone relate?
     
  2. annchan

    annchan New Member

    Oh man..........I don't think we just recover...don't know...waiting and its been 10 yrs and just at about 3, 4 yrs when I could breath again...so to speak my sister got sick. then 3 yrs later. . . she died...sad... cry...hard feels like NOBODY gets it...nobody talks about their sadness in all of salem oreogn.