I lost my little sister suddenly in 2013. I know that seems like a long time ago, and that’s what has started to scare me. My sister was 15, I was 17. Now I’m 25 and the more time passes the more I hate that I’m living my life without her. I hate that when people ask me if I have any siblings that I either say “yes but she passed away” or to avoid that conversation I just say no (which makes me feel horribly guilty). I scared that one day there will be a time when I’ve been on this earth longer without her than with her. Some days it still feels like it was yesterday. I have horrible vivid flash backs waking up to my mom screaming finding her in her room, of running too fast down the stairs to teal 911, hearing my dad sob on my cellphone as my mom was doing CPR. It’s so consuming sometimes. Some days I just don’t know how I’ve made it this far. Lately as good exciting things are happening in my life, I’ve been more and more upset about my sister and angry that she doesn’t get to experience life like I do. Why do I get this but she doesn’t?
I lost my elder sister back in 2013 too. She was 15, I was 12. Like you I feel guilty too having to either deny I have a sibling all together or say I do and then explain her death. It sucks, majorly. sometimes I feel like she would’ve lived this life better than I could ever and that makes me not want to have this life at all. But then it’s like, hey! She wouldn’t have wanted you to be unhappy or live like this. Gear up, be grateful. Live. She would’ve wanted you to. My mom has tried coping with this loss thinking, she’s free now, imagine having to live the rest of her life on medication and a huge illness strapped to her existence. It’s better this way, she isn’t being tortured anymore. This coping strategy doesn’t really work for me but when my thoughts intensify I sometimes do revert to it. Not sure how any of this will help you at all. Just know that I hear you and hopefully with time this gets better.
