Not enough waves in the ocean to cover this....

I've been hearing that train coming....read online about it how when nearing an anniversary of something that we start gearing up for how to deal with it. In about a week I have the one year since my husband passed.
I have gone several weeks without crying and figured maybe I don't have to make a deal of that day and just treat it like all the rest of them. He was the one big on remembering dates of things. Maybe that's why the sadness is trying to get out somehow.
Went to get my chipped tooth fixed at our shared dentist. I figured maybe I could slip by this man that he maybe didn't know Ted was gone. Was all finished and I was getting up to leave when he said, how are you doing...I know it's very hard. I could not even give an answer. No words, just tears I was trying to stiffly so I managed to get out of there and cry my way home.
I could see my Ted so visibly and remember exactly about his last teeth fixed there and those hard decisions as we spent our last two months (unknowingly) together. But this time I was glad for the tears because I was with him instead of in limbo.
But another thing I noticed was that I could almost see in there to realize that there may not be enough waves to ever finish the job. And maybe that's okay!

 

I lost my life partner of 28 years, we were not legally married but I was married to him in my heart! I know what you mean by "there may not be enough waves"! I have said there is going to be a new ocean and it is going to be called Sandi's Tears! Mark (my soul mate) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November of 2018. At the time I was working 30 hours a week. He had to take me back and forth to work because I am legally blind. I continued to work, I don't even know how! In January 2019 he had to have a stint put in his bile duct. When he got out of the hospital he was still capable of taking me back and forth to work. I had accumulated over 400 hours time off. I told him if he wanted me to stay home I would, even though he didn't need me to at the time. I told him, if he wanted me to go back to work, I would. He said he had to think about it and within minutes he said that he wanted me to stay home with him! He was told he had approximately six months. I stayed home with him 24/7 for six months. I watched him go from a strong healthy handsome man to a weak, frail handsome man. He lost over 40 pounds which might not sound like a lot but he was only about 137 to begin with. We would sit on the couch and it would hit me, this may be the last time and I would go in the other room and cry! I didn't want him to see me cry because I did not want to upset him. The last 3 days was the absolute worse! I am not going to say the first day everything was fine, even though he had withered away so much, but it was a normal day for us. He got up, I made his breakfast and started his medications. His sisters came over and we had a real nice dinner. After they left he got up twice without any problem. Now is when it happened too fast! We went to bed at 10 p.m. At midnight, he fell out of bed. I helped him back in bed. It happened again at 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m. the last time I had to call an emt because I couldn't pick him up again. The emt's got there and put him back to bed. I am going to make a very long story short...they pronounced him deceased (time of death) after 5 minutes. I got him back by taking to him about his son, Nic! The same thing happened around 6:00 a.m. This time he had made it to the restroom and fell between the vanity and commode. I picked him up and he passed out. Once again the emt's were called and by then the crisis hospice nurse arrived. They got him back in bed, this time I lost him, I knew he was gone! I kept talking to him about Nic. This time they called his time of death after 10 minutes and he came back because I told him Nic would be there in an hour. Mark was so strong! Nic had not even been called yet, he was eleven hours away! Mark held on! He was in and out, almost comatose. When Nic did get there I rolled Mark over and told Nic to talk to his father. Nic said, "Dad. I am here." This is the part I relive! Mark opened his eyes and I see the biggest smile I have ever seen him smile! It seemed like he even had a glow, then he fell back asleep. I told Nic that he just got the best gift he would ever get for the rest of his life! Mark made it through the night, I never left his side. Everyone was called in the room the next morning to say goodbye. I NEVER will be able to say that!

 

(((HUGS TO YOU, SANDY)))....
I can see from yours and Mark's story there was also trauma besides sadness, all in there, like I am realizing with mine and Ted's. The helpless watching as frailness was winning is devastating. I am glad we did not have a death sentence added though surely on some level we must have known. Ours was a second marriage of 22 years and we had been discarded by most of our kids. He said we were like couple Ole plow horses put out to pasture. God has provided comforts that only he could have done in the face of it all. I don't know how but know he can and will continue. Love your new ocean!!!! Ted and I had had little spat toward the end and he said "well I'll be gone and you can etc.). I said (do u know what u r to me? I said even the ocean couldn't represent it. I believe you r the whole sky.)

 

I was told to write about my feelings and someone bought me a journal. For some reason it is coming out poetry! Toward the end we got in a disagreement also!?! He is the love of my life and always will be! Helpless...what a word! It doesn't even compare to how I felt, the frailness was horrifying! The diagnosis was a complete shock for me! When I took off of work to take care of him, I did not do it because I had to, I did it out of love! I thank God that I had family around! Sorry to hear your kids discarded you, especially in a time when you needed them!

 

Thank you Sandy! It had been this way nearly a decade so we mostly grieved it at holidays. (Like being buried alive). Have had good practice in looking for and being grateful for what still is good. Seems the ground is ever shifting sometimes.
The word shock and recovery from just that is profound yet it probably gets covered up by helpless, trauma, impending doom, then the departure.
You could put your poems on the memorial page here perhaps? I have not looked into doing anything there yet.

 

I know holidays will never be the same! 28 years and the love of my life was snatched away in the blink of an eye! Does the ground ever stop shifting? You are wise! Shock... I understand totally, but recovery? I understand helpless and trauma! I did not know about a memorial page.