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Hi Brian,

Thank you for sharing this beautiful thought:

“I never said I’d love her till she died,. I'll love her till I die”

 

You really put that quite well that we promised to love them until we die not until they die. I read that sentence over and over and it’s so true. Your wife was so young. Although my husband had a form of a blood cancer and had a bone marrow transplant I never really allowed myself to think of the possibility of him dying. I’m a glass half full kind of person. He had passed so many milestones in his recovery. He left the house on December 7th and drove himself to the cancer clinic for an appointment. He called me at work to tell me the doctor was sending him to the hospital via ambulance because he was a little out of breath. We all thought he’d be there for a week or so and would be home for Christmas. 10 days later the doctors told us his lungs were damaged beyond repair and he only had day left. On Dec 21st he passed. I feel so blessed that we had those days together to talk and say goodbye. I can’t imagine not having had that. It sounds like your wife passed away suddenly. That must be so difficult.

 

Eva, my husband died on 1/12/18. It was his birthday...he was 66. We had been married for 39 years. He had a stroke from a tear in his carotid artery and was life-flighted to a hospital 2 1/2 hours away for surgery to place a stent. The very next day, as he was recovering nicely from the stroke, he was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. 3 weeks later, after 5 days of chemo, he suffered another massive stroke because the stent had collapsed and he passed 2 days later. It all happened in 3 short weeks. 15 months later I am still missing him more than ever and have been feeling so sad lately. No one can understand this unless they’ve been through it, right? I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s indescribable.

 

Hi Lisa,

I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been an ordeal. Indescribable is a good choice of word. I don’t even know what adjective to use to describe the sadness. It is so different from anything I ever experienced before.

 

. Lisa I’m so sorry. So much for a person to have to deal with in such a short time. The pain of losing someone you love and shared your life with hard to describe to someone who has never been in n that situation.

 

Hi! Thank you for responding. Yes, it was quite the ordeal to say the least. The first stroke affected the right side of his body, but to add insult to injury, it also affected the part of the brain that controls emotions. For the first four days, he mostly cried. And I don’t know if he was scared because of the AML diagnosis or frustrated because his speech and word recall were so bad or if he knew his time was very near or what. I’m going through this guilt phase right now because I should have been more aware of the symptoms of leukemia...the lethargy, an infected tooth that was pulled and would not heal, small random bruises, NO appetite, weight loss. On the other hand, I think he felt worse than he let on because he knew I was a worry wart and would have forced him to go to the doctor and in his heart he knew it was something very bad. I keep second-guessing myself. A few months ago I was doing so well...feeling like the black cloud of the first year had finally lifted and looking forward to, well, living my life again. It felt like my heart was actually healing. Now I’m a little bit depressed...sad really, and every night when I pull in the driveway after work, the tears start flowing because I know he won’t be waiting for me with a hug and kiss. (He had been retired for over 3 years) Why am I so sad now, after all that’s happened? Everyone tells me I’m so “strong, amazing, level-headed, blah, blah, blah”, but they don’t see me like this with tears streaming down my face. This is so hard. I hate feeling like this. Oh my! Sorry I just wrote you a book! How are YOU doing?

 

I was reading your post Carla and Eva's also. I was thinking how lucky you're husbands were to have women that loved them so much ❤️ I never realized how important and special my wife made me feel until she was gone and don't feel very important to anyone anymore. When I read your post, I sometimes think"" i wish we would have known ahead of time to say goodbye! But ynow what? I know me and I know her, and it wouldn't have been enough and would still feel the same way. Besides; one of the only things I don't regret, is I told her everyday how much I loved her. So " from the way it sounds, at least we all knew and took the time to tell them how much we loved them. Ynow that feeling when you can't catch your breath and you have to keep swallowing to try to stop yourself from balling? I still feel like that every day and it's been 2 years. I do believe that people grieve as hard as they loved. I pray your days get brighter.

 

I lost my partner Oct 29, 2018. No , I still feel that way. I think about running but I also wonder where I would go. I don't think you can out run this pain. We weren't married only together three years but those where the best years of my life . My marriage of 23 years even at its best couldn't hold a candle to it . I feel like I have no future.

 

Gran I hope you find your way. I know how hard it is. Just take one day at a time. Focus on the good times and be thankful for ever precious moment. I kept focusing on the last 24 hours of my husbands life and the pain of watching him die. I had to remind myself that there were almost 22 years of wonderful memories I was depriving myself of. It’s in no way easy. It takes time and I remind myself of that everyday and that I will always miss him and have a hole in my heart.

 

Thank you, I find myself thinking of the day I lost him also not on the good times. I'm sorry for your loss .

 

I am so terribly sorry. Air hugs to you hun

 

hi everyone this is my first time on here. i just found this site today. it reads as though it is exactly what i have been looking for. my husband died december 15, 2016..i hate that date. he died of congestive heart failure. he had beat colon cancer TWICE (15 years in between) then died of CHF. i keep wondering how no one caught that his heart was so damaged during pre op testing for the colon cancer. i think im healing then wham the feelings of loss, pain, loneliness come back. i have always had a book to read about grief since he died. some are
personal stories some are about grief itself. im happy to recommend some if anyone wants. im sincerely sorry for everyone who is on this site. iv decided humans are not built to handle the death of a loved one. i need all of you and i will be a friend for you....Wini

 

Hi Wini
I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a really good site. I helps to find others who know exactly what you are feeling

 

Hi Winifred, I understand what you mean with your feelings. Mine change constantly. It’s been 14 months for me since my husband died. I’ve tried hard to feel “normal” again. I might have a decent day or two then I have those blue, weepy days. This is a good place to talk to and read about others and how they cope.

 

hi renee ive had some really dark days this past week. i feel very edgy and cant seem to finish a task. today i asked a friend to go with me to buy just a few flowers to plant in pots. i could barely hold back my tears and ended up leaving my cart and purchased nothing. i dont understand what has happened. its pure torture. i dont know how we are to manage this and the really scary part is we have no choice. we cant do anything to get our life or our spouse back. we are stuck with this now. iv read a few places and have been told that it is up to me how i feel everyday. that the day begins with my choice how it will go. hmmm the funny thing about that...not one of them have lost a spouse. tell me about you renee. how are you coping or are you? do you have good support?

 

carla thank you for your response. i'm so truly sorry for your loss. i would like to know more about your husband and this journey. im just sad and isolated. i dont know how else to manage other than isolation. friends grew weary very quickly so we don’t communicate anymore. i just want this to stop. right after my husband died, my son and his step said “mom, it’s so disappointing”. for me that is a perfect description. i’m 66. my mom died at 69. i hope i don’t go beyond that age. THAT will be disappointing.

 

lisa i am so sorry your husband died. i know your pain and sadness. we are on the same journey. my husband was admitted to the hospital through an emergency room visit on october 21, 2016. he died december 15, 2016. the ER doctor said it was his sugar and he would be discharged by the following monday. by the next morning we were told it was his heart. we just weren’t expecting to hear it was too damaged for any repair. im so sad. i know you are too. im open to communicate with you anytime you want or need. i dont know you but i care about you. Wini