New to the Group

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by CarlaW, Jan 19, 2019.

  1. CarlaW

    CarlaW Member

    Hi. I'm new to the group. My husband passed away on December 21st. He had a bone marrow transplant in May 2018. Although he had his transplant in May he was doing relatively well although had been dependent on transfusion 1-2 times per week because his red blood cells were not producing has they should. He went to his regular Friday appointment on December 7th and was having some shortness of breath. His doctor decided admit him back into the hospital to give him some steroids to improve his lungs. We thought it would be a couple weeks and back home. Unfortunately graft vs host disease (GVHD) (meaning his donor's sells began to attach him); were attaching his lungs. Two weeks later he passed away. This was so unexpected.
    I've pretty much finished up "taking care" of all the things people do when someone passes away and now I have to face the fact that my husband, friend, and partner of 21 years is no longer with me. I'm just sad and miss him so much.
     
  2. Washijuwia

    Washijuwia Member

    I am so sorry for your loss.
     
  3. JD630

    JD630 Member

    Sorry for your loss Carla. The first few weeks are really hard. I never realized how loud the ticking of our grandfather clock was until my wife passed. It does get better but takes time. For me I felt so alone. Friends and family meant well, but unless they had lost a spouse recently I just couldn't connect with them. My wife worked in the medical field and after she got diagnosed with cancer and went thru all the chemo radiation stress etc etc , she said "I thought I understood how patients were feeling, but I didn't have a clue until I went through it myself." I suspect that is similar in the grieving process. In an odd way, it was strangers or light acquittances that had lost a spouse at about the same time I lost my wife, that gave me the most comfort. I remember one time I was at an art type show and a lady came by where I was at a table and either she or I mentioned that we had lost a spouse. She sat down at the table and we talked for an hour. It was really helpful to talk to someone that understood what I was going through. I never saw her before or ever again after the conversation, but we both had a mutual understanding of what each of us going through. It was comforting to talk with her. I also went to a grief support group that was put on by Hospice. That really helped also. The lady that ran it was really good I thought. We met 6 times and at first meeting she started off by saying that she wanted everyone to feel comfortable to say what they needed, and that whatever conversations were said in the room were to stay in that room. Through the weeks we all got to tell "our story" (our life with our spouses) and it was comforting to know that I wasn't the only one going through the emotional turmoil of a loss. It seemed at the time that I was the only one dealing with grief, but being with others that are going through the same thing helps with the--I am so alone and why did this happen to just me.
     
  4. Mike Anderson

    Mike Anderson Active Member

    so sorry to hear about this I lost my wife on 12/24/18 suddenly. This is a path I want to run away from at times but If I do I will miss her. I feel happy then I reach for something that hurts so I can feel her. I can only hope you can find a way through this!
     
  5. leanneliv

    leanneliv New Member

    So very sorry Carla. My wife died January 17th. My calendar changed that day. Everything is now how long since then. A Grief Counselor called this time 'The Whirlwind'. Everything is hitting you from everywhere and you have no control over any of it. I too just joined this forum. (a few minutes ago, actually) Mike talked about running away. I fight that urge every day. On the one hand I don't know where I'd go. Then I think about it and realize it doesn't matter. Because no matter where it is, she won't be there.

    Has anyone gotten used to this weird feeling of not feeling anything but still everything hurts?
     
  6. KarenP

    KarenP Member

    Yes......in the last 10 years I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer, my career of 28 years, my husband and I separated after 20 years and my mom died of pancreatic cancer last month. I am surrounded by all of the items of my parents in my house that I was not forced to sell or could not. I had someone take a photo of my parents from the wake (not even a family member), had someone ask for part of my mom's ashes, asked me about what I was doing with her signed memorabilia, jewelry, clothes, furniture for a memory. Had to deal with bueacracy and the cold, robotic workers. Worrying about money to pay her outstanding bills. I actually thought and have looked at buying another house just to change my surroundings. But I know that changing my surroundings with not end the pain. The loss of that unconditional love is the worst. Very hard to smile...….
     
  7. CarlaW

    CarlaW Member


    I know exactly what you are feeling. I find it hard to go to work each day. I can’t seem to concentrate on Anything. As long as I’m home I’m comfortable it’s when I leave and have to come home to an empty house it’s hard. I too get the urge to run away, turn in my resignation and just be alone. But when I think of places to go it’s places we went together and I don’t think I can ever visit them again. I want to be able to go on but I don’t know if the pain of this loss will ever end. I’ve been told the second year is more difficult than the first. I can’t imagine anything being more painful.
     
  8. CarlaW

    CarlaW Member

    T
    Thank you for sharing. I’m going to try a support group. First meeting I’m attending is tomorrow.
     
  9. CarlaW

    CarlaW Member

    I had no idea it would hurt so much. I stare at a jar of jelly every time I open the refrigerator. It was his jelly and I can’t throw it away. I wonder how long I’ll keep it.
     
  10. Autumn's mom

    Autumn's mom New Member

    Yes, I have and still do at times. It will be 8 months tomorrow that my husband passed. I feel emptiness and pain at the same time. I cry and feel better for a while. I have thought numerous times of moving or running away, but know the pain will only follow me. It just takes time.
     
  11. KarenP

    KarenP Member

    Why throw it out? When my dad died my mom started to clean out his clothes......to much pain......but she left a few of his coats and hats. I asked why and she replied "when he visits me I want him to know he's still here". I understood.
     
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  12. Eva Verguena

    Eva Verguena New Member

    I’m so sorry Carla. My husband passed on January 3rd from acute myeloid leukemia. It was only 8 weeks after his diagnosis. I had known him for 27 years, more than half my life. I hope you are getting support from friends.
     
  13. CarlaW

    CarlaW Member

    I’m so sorry Eva. I hope you too are getting support from friends and family. I’m told the pain of the loss never goes away but does ease up. I’m waiting for that time.