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My mother committed suicide

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Saanvi Suhag, Sep 20, 2018.

  1. Saanvi Suhag

    Saanvi Suhag New Member

    This happened in 2016. I was 13 back then. There were some issues going on in our family. Not big ones but normal family disagreements. I wasn't the best daughter either. My mother suffered from clinical depression in 2012 but recovered in 2014. Maybe these incidents resurfaced that depression and made her commit suicide. She drowned herself in the river Ganges in a city called Rishikesh that's around 160 km from our house. She went all of a sudden without any suicide note straight away from her workplace. We never found her body. I blame myself for whatever happened because maybe if i had told her how much i loved her the day before she went then she wouldn't have gone because she was the most loving mother ever. Everyone who knew her agreed. I wish i could just say goodbye and sorry and iloveyou to her once.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your mother.
  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Saanvi, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. I think it's very common, especially after a loss from suicide, to go back and wonder if things had been different, "if only I'd...." because I think it is so hard to not feel responsible when tragedies happen. Maybe this stems from the control we perceive to have on life, or the void that happens after loss that we fill with regret and second guessing. I once heard an analogy about suicide and depression that made sense to me. A person suffering with depression who dies by suicide feels like they are escaping a burning building. In their head, it wasn't a choice - the situation was so bad in their mind, so desperate, that this was the only way out. A person can't be talked out of suicide or loved out of suicide...if they are depressed then this is the only choice they can see. Part of our healing comes from letting ourselves "off the hook". To talk, comfort, and counsel ourselves in the way we would a beloved friend. The same way we could stand on the outside of someone else going through this and say, "you were a good daughter and there was nothing you could do". We need to say these same things to ourselves. I thank you for sharing your story and hope you can find some comfort here.
    Diane Thea, PaulaB and Weezern like this.
  4. Diane Thea

    Diane Thea Member

    Your mom hears you..she knows you love her. I don't think depression ever really goes away. It can get better and be controlled but it's always there. It sounds like her illness killed her. But she will always love you.