My mom and I have been more like sisters my whole life. Even after I turned 18, I stayed at home, and we did EVERYTHING together. In July of 2019, I took my mom to the hospital for an MRI. She fell on ice in March and broke her tailbone but the pain had only gotten worse. Her MRI found a large cancerous tumor on her lower spine. Within a week, she got so bad that she could barely walk. Then she couldn't. She was hospitalized twice for a total of 17 days. When she came home she couldn't stand or even wipe herself so I became her caregiver. I was so scared and stressed out. She was on so many painkillers, it was like she was barely there. I was constantly checking her breathing and worrying and panicking. She came home August 7th, on a Wednesday, less than a month after being diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer. Next Tuesday, the 13th, my dad took her to a doctor's appointment to discuss chemo. The doctor told them that there was a 90% chance or more she would beat this cancer as she was only 59 years old. But when they returned that day, we couldn't get her up the stairs into the house. She was a large woman, maybe 290 lbs... I can't believe it didn't see how out of it she was. I thought it was the pain medication but even a week before when she was doped up she could still speak mostly clearly. Why didn't I see the signs? Why didn't I just call an ambulance when we couldn't get her in the house at first? Why didn't I save my mom? We got her inside and cleaned her up (She had a hard time controlling her bowels lately) and got her most of the way into bed. I should have known. I was crying because of how out of it she was. Why didn't I do anything? I checked on her a few times until bed, then in the morning I came down and instead of checking on her right away, I stretched out on the couch. Not much longer I heard my dad trying to wake her up, but she didn't answer. I rushed into the bedroom and grabbed her and started begging her to wake up. Dad went to grab the phone and I rolled her over. I still remember the way her right eyelid was smushed from laying on her face. Dark, almost purple liquid ran out of her mouth and nose. I screamed at dad. "She's not breathing! Call 911!" And I just remember screaming and crying and begging. 911 told us to start cpr. Neither one of us had ever administered cpr before but we pushed and pushed on her chest until the ambulance finally got there. They took over and we had to leave the bedroom. After what seemed like an hour they brought her out in what looked like a body bag. But they said her heart was beating again. We followed them to the hospital. There they told us that she had a bowel obstruction and the liquid coming out of her mouth and nose was feces. They said that must have made her go into cardiac arrest. I held her hand for maybe a minute before the had to transfer her to a bigger hospital not far away. Dad and I went there and they were doing a procedure on her. On our way to the waiting room a doctor approached us. She starting talking and as soon as I heard phrases like, "fixed and dilated pupils" and "brain activity", I knew. I could tell my dad didn't know. He thought there was hope. I tried to have hope too, but I was numb. In the waiting room we heard over the speakers 'code blue room c10'. Dad and I ran for the ccu. A skinny tall doctor stopped us. He told us mom had no brain activity and that she had been without a heartbeat too long. That she would never come back to us, even if they pulled her back from the brink again. Dad and I didn't know what to think or feel. They told us it would be better to let her go. So we did. We walked into the room. There had to be 20 people in there, including a priest. They were still trying to get her back. When we walked in, everyone stopped and started walking out. Dad and I stared at mom. I touched her leg. It was cold. I held her hand. She didn't stir. Dad couldn't kiss her lips because of the tubes. I remember stating at her messy ponytail. She had wanted me to pull it back off her neck yesterday and I was too flustered trying to get her to get appointment that I told her we didn't have time. But I thought we would have time later to brush her hair off her neck. I thought we had more time. All of a sudden...within hours...she was gone. My mom died. Was it painful? Did she know what was happening? Was she scared? Is there a heaven? Or is she just...gone? Could I have done something to save her? Did she feel like a burden? Did she know how much I love her? What am I going to do without my mom? Oh mom....this can't be real.