My job is a painful reminder of my wonderful hubby

My husband died 11 months ago today. I struggle with going to work. I haven't worked much since August. We are both teachers, we were substitute teaching until we could land private school teaching jobs. We were together 16 years. We worked together as teachers in the same schools. We were never apart. We visited each other's classrooms, ate our lunches and supported each other in our jobs. It takes so much energy to be in a different school, different grades every day. We worked as full time international teachers for nearly 12 years. We had only be back in the States 8 months when he died one morning of a sudden cardiac arrest. He was getting ready for subbing that day. I have worked when I can get my self out of bed. I feel horrible about not working everyday. I heard myself tell myself this morning that I am not doing this on purpose. I started really sobbing. I have looked for other work but no success. At least with subbing if I am having a bad day I won't be fired for not working. I live alone and really no support here. Though I have friends from all over the world that keep in touch. I still cry a lot. I miss him so very badly.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, I know how you feel and know how debilitating it is. The monthly count is awful. I also lost my husband to a massive heart attack. We were watching tv and he felt stomach virus symptoms, he threw up and was very dizzy. Then he told me his chest hurt. I called 911 and they came pretty quickly. Everything happened so fast, from the start to losing my soul mate was 2 hours. I was told even if he had seen a heart dr the day before nothing would have shown up. It’s been 15 months since that day and I’m still reeling from his loss. Some days I think I’m feeling worse as time passes, I just need him so bad.
I also understand how you’re finding teaching so hard, you two worked so close to each other, same districts substituting and now it’s just you. My situation is different but the same feelings. Ron and I owned and operated a business together. We worked side by side every day, we were together 24/7. I had to to close and empty our business, I couldn’t run it myself. In years passed we had 4 or 5 employees but we down sized and it was just the two of us, preparing to retire. We were So looking forward to retiring, Ron deserved to enjoy life and I feel so bad he didn’t get that. But anyway, so I went from working next to my husband to closing our business and retiring. I miss working with him, I miss a schedule, I miss my life with my husband. I know you miss your life with your husband, it’s just so hard. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, so scary feeling like that and all alone. I am also taking CBD oil and it is helping, I started taking it for my arthritis but it’s helping with the panic attacks and helping me sleep some better.
I agree it’s a lonely new life we’ve been given and most people don’t understand how we feel. For some reason some people think we should feel better in a couple months. I don’t understand that but it happens all the time. I’ve had some very rude things said to me, but people don’t realize I don’t think they want to be so hurtful. I’m lucky that my daughter lives close and we support each other. My son lives in Florida but he’s a great support as well. I just got back from visiting him, coming home to the big empty house was awful. I’ve been home a couple days and it’s still bothering me.
Everything we have happening is normal for our circumstances but it sure feels like getting hit with a mack truck.
Your story hit home with me so I thought I’d share my story.
Take Care, Robin.

 

Robin, your reply means more than you can know. It's been a sort of hell. Nobody understands my predicament. I have the worst time getting up morning. I can't sleep at all and it's been 11 months. Joe and I had our own school for two years in the country of Panama. He wanted to do a school again. But I have modified it so when I can truly get myself together I will do what wad in our hearts. I am just trying to work as a sub to pay rent. But it's beyond my control sobbing all night is not condusive to being ready for lots of students. I feel guilty for not being able to work like I used to. I am doing this on purpose. The grief swallows me. I too have panic attacks I will wake up in middle of the night in a dead sleep with one. I have even had them teaching and driving. I do feel for you. This sucks beyond anything I have experienced. I would like to keep in touch with you. If you like. Please pm me.

 

I am mean I am not doing this on purpose. Ugggh typos.

 

I do cbd oil also. Being doing it for months. I see you are from NY husband was from New York. People who have told me I should be over Joe's death gets my special response. I tell them to be rethink what they are saying to me or I will pray they will get to experience what I going through. Shuts them up. Lol.