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My boyfriend’s suicide.

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Lindsanity13, Dec 6, 2019.

  1. Lindsanity13

    Lindsanity13 New Member

    On October 30, my world went black. I woke up that morning with my boyfriend on the last day of his vacation to come see me. Nothing felt out of place. We kissed goodbye like we’d be together again in just a matter of months. We said I love you like normal. Around 10:30 in the morning, my messages quit being received to his phone. His location wasn’t on so I could know where he was on the drive home. His phone was off. And I shrugged it off for the first while when I was at work. By 4:30 that afternoon, when none of my messages were replied to, I knew something was off. I figured he was still at my house, deciding to stay another day and just tuning out the world.

    His mom called me hysterically crying right after I’d pulled out of the parking lot at work, telling me that Dan had died. And I assumed it was a car accident driving home. I was certain. Until I got home to a note and his laptop still on my bed.

    The days unfolded in a blur, learning the gruesome details, being the one who had to pick up the belongings, driving 10 hours to New Jersey to watch him be laid to rest in a cemetery 20 minutes from New York City.

    I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s been a little over a month now, and the emptiness keeps growing. We had a whole life planned, our apartment with our dogs, our engagement, our wedding, even our kids. And suddenly it was all gone. My future is uncertain. My heart is heavier than I could ever imagine. The love of my life is gone. And I don’t know who or what I am anymore. All I know is I’m a widow without a marriage license.
     
    skies24 likes this.
  2. Kellyj72

    Kellyj72 Member

    Your story is my story, i am so sorry for your loss. On 22nd October 2019, my partner took his own life also. He seemed ok, the day before, the last time we spoke, i shrugged off something he didnt say....which was he didnt tell me loved me at the end of the conversation like he always did.
    He next morning, he didnt answer his fone, amd i just thought he left the apartment without it.
    But by 3pm i got worried, finished college and went and found him. I had this horrible feeling of dread on my way out there. And my worst umconscious fear came true. I became hysterical, he had been dead for at 6/8 hours the doc who pronounced him said. That vision taunts me. But i replay senerios over and over about if i just had a been there to try and save him. What words i would of used and this is real torment.
    So where do we go from here?...in your story i see mine. I can tell you that im not giving up. Our lives are different now, yes, but i wont give up that soon i will feel better. Its time to be strong now, muster all your strength and know that it will get easier and then it will slowly get better. U are not alone, im on the other side of the globe and i feel your pain. U are stronger than u think. Keep going and keep busy. Being busy distracts me from the pain and making little plans and seeing them through helps. Dont let yourself be hungry or cold as this makes things harder to cope with. My friend told me this and it does help me. I am thinking of you
    .
     
  3. bbcatherine47

    bbcatherine47 New Member

    My boyfriend took his own life as well. He had a mental health breakdown that seems to point towards him having schizophrenia. He was not himself for a week or more before his death. I blame myself for not getting him help. He drank antifreeze and was on life support for 2 days before his mom decided it was time to let him go. Thankfully I have been taken in by his family. My friends and family have done a shockingly bad job of supporting me. I miss him so much but the pains from knowing he was suffering and that our future plans have vanished is what really tears me apart.
     
  4. LittleMoonFey

    LittleMoonFey New Member

    I am so, so sorry. My boyfriend, my love, killed himself 2/20/2020. I don’t know how to be a person anymore. I wrote this:

    How many times have I died?

    One of me, a possible me, the me I wanted most, was scattered back to atoms by your last breath. When we lose someone we love, we lose more than their presence (though that is a hard blow in itself). We lose all of the futures, all of the possibilities that would only be possibilities had they remained. And so I wonder. How many times has one of me, a possible me, died? Death changes many things. Including the influence, the impact, the meaning we assign to the person that is lost. Learning how to live in a world without that person, adapting to this new existence and finding a future again; finding hope in that future is, to me, the most difficult aspect of grief.

    Sending love to you. I don’t have the words.
     
    Skywalker likes this.
  5. Skywalker

    Skywalker Member

    Hi, I lost my boyfriend in a similar way less than a month ago and the emptiness and guilt keeps me awake...he wasnt himself that week but it only seemed like his mood had gotten better...I reread all the messages he sent me wondering how I couldnt see how much pain he was in...and the current lockdown affected him more than I realised...I wish I had gotten him help and he would still be here....everyone keeps asking me why he was so sad but I know he wanted to live and it was an accident...he jumped from our apt window and I wish I hadn't taken my eyes off him that night...I dont understand what I'm supposed to do anymore
     
  6. Skywalker

    Skywalker Member

    Thanks for those words...
     
    LittleMoonFey likes this.
  7. LittleMoonFey

    LittleMoonFey New Member

    I’ve thought on this a lot, the “how did I not see it”? I believe that there is no sign, no cry for help or definite behavioral pattern that precedes suicide. Everyone is so, SO different. Everyone’s suffering and coping skills are so different. I believe that my love (largely due to recent brain trauma and a lifetime of mental health issues and abuse) made a split second decision to end his life. He may have regretted it and been unable to stop it, he may have been determined the whole time. The reality is, I couldn’t have stopped it. If I’d known, if I had saved him, but it was what he truly wanted? He’d have found a way. Please, please, do not harbor guilt for not being able to stop it. Humans are intense in their resolve. I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.
     
  8. Skywalker

    Skywalker Member

    Thank you for that...it's so hard and unfair...I feel as you do that my love made a split second decision but it was too late to stop it but I cant help but wonder if I had gotten him some help in those days preceding when he was acting differently (I dont think he knew he was sick but my therapist said it seemed like a chemical imbalance and his brother had a similar episode)...the days just feel empty now...whatever the explanation I can fathom, it doesnt ease the pain...he was my partner in a new life in a new country and now I'm alone...the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing how he lived and wanted us to live so fiercely otherwise I feel I would give up...when I close my eyes, I just see him falling away from me