On October 30, my world went black. I woke up that morning with my boyfriend on the last day of his vacation to come see me. Nothing felt out of place. We kissed goodbye like we’d be together again in just a matter of months. We said I love you like normal. Around 10:30 in the morning, my messages quit being received to his phone. His location wasn’t on so I could know where he was on the drive home. His phone was off. And I shrugged it off for the first while when I was at work. By 4:30 that afternoon, when none of my messages were replied to, I knew something was off. I figured he was still at my house, deciding to stay another day and just tuning out the world. His mom called me hysterically crying right after I’d pulled out of the parking lot at work, telling me that Dan had died. And I assumed it was a car accident driving home. I was certain. Until I got home to a note and his laptop still on my bed. The days unfolded in a blur, learning the gruesome details, being the one who had to pick up the belongings, driving 10 hours to New Jersey to watch him be laid to rest in a cemetery 20 minutes from New York City. I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s been a little over a month now, and the emptiness keeps growing. We had a whole life planned, our apartment with our dogs, our engagement, our wedding, even our kids. And suddenly it was all gone. My future is uncertain. My heart is heavier than I could ever imagine. The love of my life is gone. And I don’t know who or what I am anymore. All I know is I’m a widow without a marriage license.