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Mom passed away from cancer

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Ashley89, Jun 6, 2020.

  1. Ashley89

    Ashley89 New Member

    My mom passed away April 30th of this year. She had been battling endometrial cancer for almost a year. I was her sole caregiver. My mom has away been my best friend, she had lived with me and my fiance and 2 children for the last 10 years.

    In mid march she was diagnosed with what we thought was pneumonia. She kept getting worse and finally the day before she died we found out the cancer spread rapidly to her lungs.

    Hospice came the morning she died. It was a very rough day my mom was not herself. She was very confused and disoriented. She was restless and wouldn't sit still. Luckily many family members were here to help me.

    The last 20 minutes of her life was so horrible she was screaming for me to help her because she couldn't breathe and I felt so helpless because there was nothing I could do.

    I was on the porch talking to hospice on the phone when I heard my mom yelling loudly. I ran in the house and she was sitting up on the side of the hospital bed. As soon as I got to her she collapsed into my chest.

    At that time me and my aunt moved her to lay on the bed and I watched her turn blue and held her as she slowly stopped breathing.

    Watching my mom and best friend die has really messed me up and I'm not sure how to process this. I still feel like it was a bad dream. She cant really be gone.
    unfurled likes this.
  2. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I pray for strength for you to get to a better place.
  3. unfurled

    unfurled New Member

    Hi Ashley89,

    I'm brand new here and I frankly have zero idea how to run this site.
    But your post was the first I clicked on, so I think that declares this fate.
    I lost my mama, my best friend, to cancer last August and I was her caregiver -- my twin sister and I -- as well.
    She fell and went to the ER on June 5th, was diagnosed with Glioblastoma on June 20th, and passed on August 7th.

    I can not imagine how hard and scary that must have been for you. And to have those last moments play out as they did... Without even knowing you, I can tell you're brave. It takes a strong person to go through what you did and come out of it.
    Although, I guess that's just it: We never really came out of it.

    For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Not just in the condolences type of way, but in the way that lets you know that it's okay to be absurdly and selfishly angry that no one is stopping time and noticing your hurt. It's okay to expect gasps and big reactions and in reality get an, albeit meaningful and sweet, "I'm sorry for your loss." It's okay to have those thoughts of, "How can you, stranger, NOT know that this amazing person is missing?"

    I'm not sure if any of that made sense, and I apologize if that came off in any other way than how I truly meant it, which was pure empathy.
    I just wanted to use my current feelings as examples in hopes that you can somehow find support from them.

    If it's not weird, I'm here if you'd like to talk.
    Debster2020 likes this.
  4. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Dear Ashley89. I am so sorry for your loss. You were so lose to your mother. Keep her alive in your life. Talk about her, keep her pictures around. Don't avoid the subject. Remember all the good things you experienced together. I try and program my dreams but so far I have not been lucky enough to dream about my husband. Do something in her honor that she would have liked to do.Volunteer at her favorite place. Plant a bush in her honor. I did that for a friend who died at a nursing home. I planted a small garden and got a marker that says "Carol's Garden" It made me feel better and they won't forget her. I have planed several small trees in my husband's honor and after three tires. finally got one that stayed alive. I tend to it regularly. Tend to yourself and you will heal. Peace Sheila
  5. Liley773

    Liley773 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you had to experience that. I watched my husband die, and one of our beloved dogs, Maggie. Mom I found laying across her bed also turning blue. Everytime that memory tries to appear in my brain, I try to block it out. Not very successfully. My anxiety and depression are getting worse daily. I'm totally alone now. All this was w/in 2 mos of each other. Mom and Maggie 4 days apart. I feel I got PTSD from it. You have to have some too. That was very traumatic. We are all here for you.
    unfurled likes this.
  6. Debster2020

    Debster2020 New Member

    I feel this so much. My father died June 29th of this year. It was horrible. He went in to the hospital 2 weeks before for a fall. It was a roller coaster of emotions. It looked like he was going to be released to rehab, but I had been concerned with his sudden weight loss and the first hospitalist dr refused to check out his stomach. We got a new dr the day he was supposed to go to rehab who did a ct scan on his abdomen and pelvis and found he had pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver and his lungs were full of blood clots. Within hrs of learning this my dad was in unbearable pain because of the blood clots in his lungs and unable to do anything but call for help. It was awful. The next thing I knew we were going to hospice and he died 5 days later. It was a terrible situation and then to compound with covid. I can't have a funeral I can't hug people. No one flew out to see us. Im a mess. I feel so alone. I just wanted to send you hugs. I want hugs so badly it hurts. I dream of hugging my dad and wake up and remember I can't and it just kills me. It hurts so much. I held my dad's hand as he died. It was so awful and he was in so much pain. I have nightmares about it. I am sending you so much love. I am so sorry.
    unfurled likes this.
  7. unfurled

    unfurled New Member

    Sending you hugs, Debster <3
  8. unfurled

    unfurled New Member

    Sending you hugs, Debster<3