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Missing her

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by IanH, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. IanH

    IanH New Member

    Hello all
    I am new to this site and the reason I have joined? in the hope that talking to others about the recent loss of my partner of 41 years Trudy will help me come to terms with my loss.
    Trudy passed away on the 26th of April this year after a long battle with ovarian cancer, we both knew that the disease was terminal but when the end came it still hurt so much. After Trudy's passing everyone rallied round and were very supportive but now the loss is really hurting. I know I can call on many people but I always feel that when I speak to others that I am imposing, which I know is stupid but that is the way I feel.
    I didn't realise how much I depended on Trudy until she passed, not so much for basic things of looking after myself but more for her kindness and patience and her counsel , she was a nurse of 45 years and had the patience of a saint at times. I know people say that time is a great healer so I will have to see if this is true, one message that I received from Trudy`s sister which helped me and may help other was " may all your sad thoughts now turn into happy memories soon ".
    I will finish now I wish all who are bereaved the strength to get through the pain and loss.
    Ian
     
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Thank you, Ian, for sharing your story and encouraging words. I think your experience mirrors so much of what others are going through. Often, feelings of isolation or not knowing where to turn don't come from a lack of support system. So many people I work with have a wonderful group of family and friends! But as you said, after a time, the griever may feel "how often can I tell the same people the same things?". Hopefully this site can help grow your network of support. Your friends and family are there and you shouldn't hesitate to reach out to them when you need it. But by connecting here with others who have had a similar loss you may find a validation and understanding that can guide you as well, as you continue to heal and move forward. Wishing you all the best...
     
  3. CryinginIndy

    CryinginIndy New Member

    Like Ian, I am new to this site and have also lost my spouse to terminal illness. My husband of 42 years passed away from kidney cancer a little over two weeks ago. Jim was my soulmate, my best friend, and the love of my life. I shared his cancer journey for 7 years and was his caregiver for the last few months as his health started to greatly deteriorate . He died July 6 after only 5 days of hospice care at home. He represented everything which was comfortable , safe, secure, familiar and normal to me. Since then my life has fallen apart, the world has become unsafe and scary, I feel totally lost, devastated and afraid of the future without him. I am experiencing despair, anger, denial, fear, confusion, anxiety, regret and guilt. Life feels meaningless, devoid of purpose without him. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy as I cannot comprehend the finality of it all : he is gone forever and he will never enjoy again all that he did, we will never experience anything together anymore...Everything feels unreal right now, I miss him horribly, I cry all the time and feel very lonely in an empty house full of his memories. People also tell me time will be the healer, that things will get better , that I will learn to cope with my loss and pain, that one day I will only remember the good memories. I have talked to my parish priest and to a grief counselor and it has helped somewhat. My grown children have given me great comfort as well and are helping me with practical matters such as bank, insurance, social security, etc... But they have their own lives, their jobs , they do not live close , and although they are grieving a lot in their own way, I feel they do not always know what to tell me to help me deal with my pain. Neighbors have been wonderful as well, but I am afraid I will end up tiring them while expressing my hurt feelings over and over again.
    I also hope to be able to talk to people who are experiencing the same kind of loss and pain.
     
  4. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    "CryinginIndy"...thank you for taking the time to express all it is you've been going through. Those that we love provide the foundation on which our lives are built, and as you've said -following their loss every part of our life is forever shifted and changed. I'm happy to hear you have good family and neighbors and I am especially glad you've found our site. I hope that here you will find people to connect and share with and it will be at least some help to you as you try to heal and move forward. Please take care...
     
  5. I am new also. And though mine was not from an illness the pain still is great. My husband died suddenly of cardiac arrest at the age of 45. And I just don't know how I'm going to make it with out him. He was my best friend and my heart. I'm sorry for both of your losses and praying wth Gods help we can at least try to love again. There are days I just don't want to go on and then I think of our grandchildren. I write to him in a journal every night to tell him things I would were he still here. I talked to him a lot. I don't feel as if this pain will ever go away. Prayers for you both.
     
  6. CryinginIndy

    CryinginIndy New Member

    I feel so very sad for you, Brokenhearted .....I feel your pain and sorrow. Praying for you and Ian also. May God give us the strength to bear this horrible pain.
     
  7. IanH

    IanH New Member

    Hello "
    Hello "CryinginIndy" First of all can I offer my sincere condolence's on your loss, it must be very hard for you being so close to your husbands passing.
    I recognise all the feelings that you are describing the despair, anger and I felt guilty when Trudy passed as I was unable to get back to the hospice before she passed missing her passing by a few minutes.
    Regarding people finding things to say, it is hard if you have not gone through the pain of loss especially of a spouse or partner and you are probably doing the right thing in joining a forum where you can share your feelings of loss.
    I was lucky with all the legal side as Trudy insisted everything including her funeral was organised when she entered the hospice, she always said that she worried about me after her passing, I am so grateful for this as things could have been so much harder. I am now 3 months on my own and though things are settling down I still find myself crying occasionally and dreaming of her constantly. So to finish "CryinginIndy I wish you the strength to get through these hard times and hope that you find comfort on this forum. Best wishes Ian
     
  8. Kenneth Higgins

    Kenneth Higgins New Member

    Just found this site tonight. I need some way to vent. My children think my grieving is weakness. But I tell them strength can't mend a broken heart. I lost my wife of 37 years to Hepatitis C two years ago July. I thought that after the first year I could move on. What ever that is. But it hasn't gotten any easier. Just a look from her in the morning was enough to remind me of my obligations for the day. Now, why bother. So I go through the day without purpose. In fact hoping that I can go to be with her sometime during the day. We had known each other from the age of nine. Oh the stories she would tell at parties. Just today I realized that there is no one that knows my story. I feel so alone and only want to be with her. But wait my turn I must.
     
  9. CryinginIndy

    CryinginIndy New Member

    Hello Kenneth,
    I understand your feelings perfectly....I also do not find much purpose in life anymore and do everyday things like a robot. Only seeing my kids and granddaughter brings some "enjoyment" but it is as if I am a bystander, not exactly participating. It has been a little over a month since my husband died and it still feels very surreal. I feel very alone and lost. Following a friend's advice , I have been seeing a grief counselor and it has helped. She emphasizes that grieving , crying is not a weakness at all, but a necessary part of the healing process, no matter how long this will take. Her words have given me some hope that one day I will be able to cope better with my grief. I don't think we can never really move on after the tragedy of losing a spouse, nor get over it either. I pray you will find the strength needed to go through these very tough times.
     
    griefic likes this.
  10. john

    john Active Member

     
  11. john

    john Active Member

    Hi Ian I am new new here also I mostly wife carolyn after 41 years of marriage to a certain heart attack she was 61 died on April 11 this year and she to was a nurse
    We had gone to a school play for my grand daughter and we got. Home that evening she started throwing up and Ian she was throwing up all weekend Sunday my youngest son and his wife came over and she told them not to come in cause she felt like death. So Sunday night she was so weak she couldnt talk couldnt walk. And she went to sleep in the recliner I had bought her when i woke up the next morning.she hasn't moved I looked to see if she was breathing. And tried to revive her but she was gone.
     
  12. Kenneth Higgins

    Kenneth Higgins New Member

    I'm told that Time is the only thing that will heal my broken heart. And that I should get on with my life. But I can't seam to move forward. Two years latter I can't get through the day without calling out to her. Honey. I'm home. Honey, are you hungry?
    Today has been my worst day in a long time. Just a few days till all eyes are on me. I need her encouragement. Her strength. So it talked to her and thanked her for all the support she gave me. I'm still using things she made with her own hands. Doing things her way. They worked so why change them.
    In a week I'll be in Silver Dollar City showing people how to make wooden bowls and such. There is where Theresa shined. She loved people. I'm better in a room with the door closed. Only the laughter of the children snap me out of my gloom. I make tops for them to play with while they are waiting for Mom. This will be my life for two months. Then back to my old house and shop.
    Life hasn't changed for me other than there isn't anyone to report to at the end of the day. "How was your day? What did you girls get into while I wasn't looking? " We grew up together. We raised a family. And we started growing old together. But the hands on her clock stopped moving. I held her and inhaled her last breath. I held it as long as I could. Hoping to capture some part of her and keep it forever.
    Move on? I don't know how. My days are filled with the same things I did before. Nothing is different except she doesn't call me in to eat. And I ask myself "Why am I still here?" I'm ready to go to her. With out any warning. I pray for a heart attack to take me. Or to just not wake up. I wish only to be with her.
    So I ask, how long must one grieve? I always understood that one year was expected. But after two my heart is just as broken as in the beginning. I only wish to join her.
     
  13. john

    john Active Member

    Oh Kenneth I am so sorry for your loss so very sorry. And I feel your pain my heart goes out to you Kenneth.
    There's no time limit some have a harder time getting through it we will never get over it but we can make it through it
     
  14. john

    john Active Member

    Kenneth I lost the love of my life on april 11 this year we were married for 40 years
    Carolyn was 61 when she died of a certain heart attack I can still see her in the recliner where she died
     
  15. Jim Mills

    Jim Mills New Member

    Dear Crying Lady,
    As I read your post, It felt as if you had been reading my mind as my feelings are so much like yours. The only difference is that our grown children are not taking the loss of their mom very well and they have all but abandoned me and in thier words "they are dealing with their, why don't I understand?" so luckily for me I do have my mom (80) who lost her husband (my stepdad) in April to Alzheimers, and my kid sister who lost her husband (of 30 years) to lung/bone cancer, 3 years ago. My wife was so loved by so many people that their own grief is so great they can not be there for me. Although I appreciate my mom's help, she is in a different place and her comments are more hurtful than comforting.

    I miss my wife/honey so much and it just seems almost impossible to consider my life without her. I am retired Navy, and I had schedule Grief Counseling at the VA Clinic, however they cancelled my session do to a scheduling conflict. I feel that no one really understands how I feel, what I am going through, and how dark, lonely, depressed and locked in despair that I am.

    We had to move from Colorado Springs, to Kentucky to be closer to doctors and family, however we traveled so much seeing doctors that we never even met our neighbors. I was hoping to find others who are in a similar situation/circumstances and who are experiencing the darkness, lonliness, feeling of loss, pain and despair.

    Jim
     
  16. Bob Hemhauser

    Bob Hemhauser New Member

    Kenneth, do not let others tell you how or how long to grieve. I lost my wife Kathy Aug 7th and am having a bad time. I also ask God to take me in my sleep or let me have a heart attack so I can be with her. I drive an friends because I feel like the third wheel. I dond cry. I watch tv and cry. The mornings are the worst for me. There is such a hole in my heart. I hate going to the store where you see couples ( I am 69 and she was 62) around my age together and I get sick. I don't want to go anywhere with friends because I feel like the 3rd wheel. I talk to her and ask he to talk to God to take me. I see something and say to myself I cant wait to tell Kathy but then remember she is not here. No one should have to go through the pain and heartache we are. God Bless
     
  17. Jen5169

    Jen5169 Member

    I like that also
     
  18. diacon

    diacon New Member

    Hello Ian and I am new to this site - actually just signed up today. I was reluctant to sign up but lost my beloved a little over two years ago while we were traveling in Europe. We were together for almost 40 years. We were soul mates in the most literal meaning of that much overused concept. I have found that just going with the pain of the loss and understanding the differences among lonesome, lonely and alone and trying not to take care of those trying to take care of you is helpful. My heart goes out to you. It DOES get better - really it does - but it never goes away. And in many ways I kind of relish that she is with me in thoughts and heartfelt experiences and with each tear I shed.
     
    Lucille and griefic like this.
  19. Lucille

    Lucille New Member

     
  20. Lucille

    Lucille New Member

    Hello Ian,
    My sincere condolences on your loss. The pain is real and great.
    I lost my Alex 3 years and one month ago! I’m just starting to feel a little more whole again. Not a day goes by that Alex is not in my thoughts. But after this time when a memory of him hits me, instead of crying and feeling very sad l usually laugh. Alex had a wonderful sense of humour. The little dry quips he would say about one thing or another come back to make me smile or laugh out loud.
    The loss, the ache of missing him is still there and I now doubt that will ever go away.
    I am alone. I have three wonderful children with grandchildren and great grandchildren that Alex won’t hold and play with or make them laugh.
    I always feel that void no matter where I am.
    All I can say is one day at a time. I try to live well as we had when Alex was with me. I meet the world with a smile and just go on with life. I know that’s what he wanted me to do.
    I hope that you can find that peace as you take one day at a time without your loving spouse at your side.