Miss my husband so much

It's only about 3 months now. Saturday is his birthday and memorial. It's so real now. He really isn't coming back. I don't know what to do. I'm so sad

 

That is the hardest part of grief, in my opinion, when you lose all illusions that they are coming back. It is now 9 weeks for me and Oct. 1 will be our 18th anniversary of our first date. One book I am currently reading said grief never completely heals b/c we are never the same person before the death. We have to integrate the death into our thought process. I guess some people would call that acceptance. It is very hard to do.

One thing that helps me is to wear some of his stuff or incorporate his culture into my life. For instance, I wear his medic alert necklace and watch. I also listen to his Native American music and carry around his tribal id cards. I also write daily letters to him and visit his parents' graves and talk to them.

 

I lost my mother suddenly in May (a week before Mother's day) and her birthday was two weeks ago. People say that special events (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) are difficult, which is true. I think that going through life every day without them is even harder. I don't know that we ever "get over it", but hopefully we can adapt...

 

We do adapt. I started losing my mom when I was 14 to early onset Alzheimer's Disease. She finally died when I was 23, a ghost of her former, vibrant and beautiful self.

I adapted by getting counselling both bef o re and after she died, wrote in journals and read grief books. The grieving process was very long even if I knew she was going t o die 9 years before she actually died.

I still mourn her and it has been 35 years since she died. But the feeling h a s greatly lessened.
Of all my deaths - I have had 5 - mom and my 2nd partner were/are the hardest to deal with. I think that is because they both died years before they should have or through nothing they did to themselves. Also people you live with at the time they get sick or die tend to be felt more deeply, in my opinion.

 

So sorry for your loss. I’m going through similar. It will be 2 months on the September 25th. My heart is so busted up and my soul is so empty. I feel so very alone..bc I am now. I’m still trying to learn on how to deal with his loss. I wear his t-shirts. I cuddle up with his old ragged sweat shirt that he wouldn’t throw out. I have his hat on his night stand and his cap on the magazine table where it would sit until he needed it when sitting on the back porch and the sun would shine in his face. I talk to him all the time. But sometimes out of nowhere I’ll see him sitting on the back porch with our fur baby on his lap giving him sugar. Or a song of many he would send to me would come on. Or a thought of us doing something together as we often did. Fishing..going to the movies and dinner or just take our fur baby for a road trip. Melt down would happen. Lately it’s been more often. I find the passing of time is making it harder..not easier. I pray that changes.

 

So sorry for your loss. I truly believe we are never the same after losing our hearts and souls. I know I well never be the same person. This will be my third stage of life. And this last one is one that I will never ever truly recover from. I have no idea what kind of life is in store. I do know that it will never be as happy a life that was stolen from me. I like you..wear his t-shirts. I had two links taken from his bracelet and wear it all the time. I cuddle a ragged old sweet shirt he would wear and didn’t want to part with. It had his sent all through it. But it’s faded to almost not Able to smell. I had his Day of Celebration on labour day weekend. It was always an important weekend for us. My BD is Aug 31. I had his Day September 1st. Our 18th wedding anniversary is September 2nd. I sent a minions balloon (he loved the minions)with a message attached Happy Anniversary. Miss you so much. And I will send one up every yr for the rest of my life. On his birthday/celebration day/anniversary. The next day just keeps coming and the past gets further. How I hate life right now.

 

You are feeling worse, I think, because the numbness is wearing off and the true pain of your loss is sharp. Mine wore off about Aug. 15 and he died June 30. All I could do was work, be as kind and gentle to myself as possible and take short cat naps. I also wrote daily letters to him and incorporated as much of his Native American culture into my life as possible. I listen to Native music 24/7 even at night. This kind of music, esp. the flute and rhythmic music is very beautiful. We used to play it early in our relationship. It always softened me.

I packed his clothes and put in garage but kept his jewelry, artwork and photos. They surround me, cocooning me into him.

I have his ashes in the living q room, surrounded by his Native artwork. I also visit his parents' graves 65 miles away once a week and talk to them about how much I loved their son.

After losing a great love, you never are the same. You have to integrate the loss of your partner into the new you, at your pace and no matter how long it takes. Let no one tell you how you should feel or what you should be doing. It is your grief and they do not know what you are going through.

I think the length of your grief and mourning will be determined by the length and closeness of your relationship. I know mine will be long; we were together for 18 years and we deeply loved each other. In fact, I was shicked at hiw much I loved him. I did not realize how much until after he died. He was such an integral part o f my life that it seemed like ying and yang. He was my rock and now he isn't here. I feel him close by, though.

 

Thank you Michele,
Sound s like you are keeping your husband memory close. Im trying to do the same.
My adult Son was Ill for the last year of my wifes life as well. I was caring for them both n our house. along with help from hired caregivers. After my wife went to heaven we then were able to seek out specialists to help my son. Now he is just about healed 6 months later. I know that his dr, apps and surgeries kept my mind occupied, and now the loneliness and disapair about my future is hitting me hard. I wake up very sad every morning. I talk to my wifes sister her parents, her friends all the time -trying to keep some kind of connection, but I know they are going to get tired of that pretty soon. It was us against the world, she had my back, I had hers. That can't be replaced by well meaning friends and family. Everyone is so nice to me, which helps a little bit, but really doesn't provide much relief from the pain.

 

Sorry for confusion, not sure how I ended up on this thread. Just figuring out this posting thing.