Dealing with this virus and social distancing after losing my husband 5 months ago is hard. More isolation, postponement of plans. I think for me, I am learning to be forgiving of myself for all my imperfections, not knowing how to handle this new life I have been given-- a life without my spouse, all my plans for our future gone or changed, all the unbearable "unknowns." I want to be strong all the time, but I am weak often. I want to be sane, but I'm crazy. I want to be sad all the time but sometimes I'm falling in love with someone who is married and everything is simply topsy turvy. I am managing. Each day is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Maybe I am learning to let go of any preconceptions of myself and life, to find love where there is love, to continue to want and yearn for love, although love is imperfect and unbearable. I can sometimes appreciate the moment, other times, I'm thinking life is short, what do I have left to do and that's it. Just do it, and move on. My kids are on that list. My novel. Maybe part of my own journey has ended with my husband and that's okay. What is there left to do, find it, do it, changing expectations. My husband comes to me in my dreams and there is love. This is wonderful but then I wake up and I look at a picture and I'm sad, or angry, or tired of being alone in this physical world, even though I know his spirit is there, loving. Still, I want to hold onto my past. I also want to run away. I think we need to do what we can to manage each day, forgive ourself for our imperfect life, that is often unfair, and maybe, maybe, identify something, hold onto a few dreams that matter.