Lost without her

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Lostman, Nov 3, 2019.

  1. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    My wife of 43 yrs passed away within the month of Sept. 2019.
    I took her in for what we thought was a pinched nerve in her neck Sept. 8th 2019.
    After Xray and Cat scan we were told she needed to go to a facility that could handle her situation better. Stage 4 lung cancer....... So we went from a pinched nerve to hitting a brick wall.....
    The cancer had spread from her right lung to liver, adrenal gland and her brain. She never got strong enough for chemo and passed away Sept 30th 2019.
    I not only lost my wife but lost my soulmate my best friend and partner in life.
    We are raising our granddaughter after our only daughter passed away 8 years ago. So not only did my granddaughter lose her mother but now she lost her second mother.
    It wasn't suppose to go like this. I always thought I ME would go before her.
    Its kinda strange as you go from so many people coming to pay respects and now the house is quiet with me and my 15 yr old granddaughter.
    So now I find out her father want's t be a part of her life again and just bought a home in the same school district and wants her to live with him and his fiance.
    I'm in shock and had a talk with my granddaughter about how she should be happy as I am not her father he is. I love her as my own and always will. The house is far from live in condition and will be a year or so away.
    Now my mind is wandering as I get older and what will happen as I am now ALONE for once in my life I have NO ONE.
    My faith has carried me through my daughters passing and will with my wife's passing.
    It's so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Lostman, So sorry for your loss of your wife, and your daughter. I am sure through your granddaughter you saw your own daughter every time she was in the room. Now that she is moving in with her dad I can understand how awful that must be.

    When I first lost my wife I was beside myself. It seemed like there was just no good reason why she has suffered for so long and they never could come up with any answers that would help her in the long run.

    I am sure you feel at a loss how a person whom you love so dearly can be with you full of life one minute and gone the next. There are no easy answers to satisfy our hurt deep inside us.

    What amazes me the most is after all these years of so many people passing away from cancer that no cure has come about. It is as though, once you hear that God awful word cancer you have to give up and wait for the end.

    Some cancers seem quick. But I would guess that those people we didn't know had cancer until it was too late near the end of stage 4. My own dad, a WW2 vet had me drive him to the docs one day (Valentines day) and when he came out he sat in silence beside me for awhile. You know when such a towering man he was in life had all the sudden been reduced to a broken man.

    We drove to the lake and I stopped the car and it was then that he asked me to take care of mom, his wife. Those words were slow coming out of him, and the drive home that day was (no adequate words). Two days later dad passed away in his favorite chair. I guess it seems dad had been sick for so long, kept it to himself to spare us all the pain and finally passed on and didn't let us suffer until he was no longer with us.

    Yes, Lostman, having to live on without the one you loved so dearly in life is without a doubt extremely hard. I understand that being alone feeling. Even with people in the same room after you lose your wife, it is not the same. Their words have no sound, there is no one else there (even though they are) and the room seems so void of definition without her in it.

    I just hope you won't give up on yourself. I can see the pain in your words and know you loved her dearly. I personally found one item after my wife passed that meant so much to me. It was a painting of her. So I put it on the wall and now see it each and every day. That one keepsake, beside the love in my heart and mind will forever be with me.

    Lostman, you have us here at this site to lean on. Though you may not see us, we are here to talk, listen and understand.

    You take care of yourself. If you can try to occupy some of your time with doing the things you liked doing in life. My wife liked to read, So in that regard I have started reading more than I ever did. She also was a talker, one who connected with others. I have been making an effort to reach out more.

    I do realize as I look back on my life, even with being married for 42 years, I valued my alone time a lot, I just didn't count on it becoming permanent like you.

    So even with all that hurt inside you, find something to do each day that won't distract you, but help occupy you, and you would be surprised at all the wonderful thoughts that can come about by doing something. Take care and God Bless
  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain through what you’ve written and described. I am so sorry for you. This is so fresh, and you have other things happening on top of it. With you’re son in law wanting back in your granddaughter life. Seriously poor timing for you. I lost my husband 1 year ago this month. Massive heart attack, I lost him within 2 hours. He was healthy, or so we thought. But where I’m going with is that we owned and operated a business together, together 24/7. I had to empty and close our business. Making that a second loss. It was so difficult!! I didn’t think I could live a day without my husband and then I had to empty our shop, how could I live through that?! But I did, somehow. You’ve lost your daughter and now your wife and then your granddaughter will be moving out. That’s so hard! I have no words..... but you can do What I did, live one day at a time, or hour by hour. This is so recent for you I can’t imagine doing much more then that. I’m happy for you that right now you still have your granddaughter with you. All of us on this site understand how you’re feeling, when others don’t get it and we’re here for you.
    God bless, and take care of you!
  4. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    Thank You both David and RLC,
    Just finished taking my Mother-in=law for a haircut and pedicure. She has been as much a part of my life as my own mother. Both in there 90's.
    Also a quick run to Walmart where my wife had worked of the last 9 years. As always its tough to shop and visit with her workmates.
    Also had a lunch afterwards with tears flowing talking about trips the two of them and all of us have taken. I know each day may get better with time but like I said it's a very large part of my heart thats broken.
    So many thoughts running through my head living out in the country 3 bedroom house so when the granddaughter leaves sell it??
    I know you both mentioned hour by hour day by day but how do you turn off or dull so many memories. song may come on the radio a movie a favorite TV show the list goes on.
    Once again thank you both for your support.
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    Personally, I feel it is healthy to remember. It has helped me come to grips with how much I miss the ones I loved. I don't want to forget, I want to remember.

    Absolutely hard to think when a memory comes rushing in, but God, even though I may have tears in my eyes and a heavy heart I say you can only heal inside if you can face that loss.

    The day of my wifes funeral was the toughest. There were so many people there, family, friends, coworkers and others who knew of her from her years in life. I watched as people come up to the podium and talk about my wife in the most beautiful words ever.

    When it was my time I was scared as heck, and just felt so small, so at first the words were hard to come out, but as I started to talk, and I remembered, the words started to flow freely. You never realize when you have to talk of someone you love with tears in your eyes and being apprehensive, those people staring back at you are encouraging you, and they make you feel safe.

    So please don't ever try to dull those memories, they are what your wife was as a person, and what you became. I used this post in one of my other threads. If you have the time it is an amazing speech.

    So take heart Lostman, we are here for you and know you are under enormous strain. God Bless and may you have restful nights
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I find when I hear songs that meant a lot to my husband and myself or favorites of Ron’s. Maybe I’m crazy but I feel that is my husband saying, “I’m here with you”. Both my children have experienced that as well and feel the presense of their dad.
    Walmart, that’s a big emotional hit for me too. Tears are plentiful for me in Walmart. Neither of us worked there but we shopped there very often. And right now when I walk into to Walmart it’s looks exactly the same as my last time shopping there with my husband. Christmas stuff everywhere. Right now I’m trying to stay away from Walmart. We’d joke that everyone in Walmart knew us and if we didn’t go in for a couple days they’d wonder where we were.
    I’m afraid you can’t dull the memories. You wouldn’t be heart broken if you didn’t have wonderful memories. I’ve been told, I’m not quite there yet, but eventually the memories will make you smile.
    As for your house, I’m not sure but I don’t think you should jump at selling your home in your current state. Too fresh, too new. Try to get through today. Nothing more.
    I think it’s great you’re there for your mother in law and Mom. I’m sure they’re devastated also. Together for each other, along with your granddaughter. My parents have both passed and so have my in laws. My in laws within the last 3 years! My husband was still mourning their loss and he was taken from me. He was only 63! We had so much more living to do so many places to travel, that was supposed to start this year as we retired. Now what? I haven’t made any big decisions on anything because I don’t think my thought process is ready for that yet. I’m having trouble changing all our financial things to just my name. I can’t take his name off it kills me. My personal advice is to not to rush into anything.
    You e been out today, that’s great! Take Care
  7. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    Lostman feel your loss and pain. Sorry for this time in your life. As the common family, I hope you find a little comfort here.
  8. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    Thanks for the encouragement RLC,
    Its just so hard to digest the fact that everything happened so fast. My wife also was only 63 yrs old when she passed away. My wife and I had so many plans to travel and go places. So she decided to retire early and signed up for SS benefits. The part that sucks is she was only retired for a few months.
    I know after reading all of this yes its to quick to make any decisions about selling or moving. It's just a rush of things that go through a persons mind when your life changes. Thank you for sharing your story.
  9. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    Thank you
  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Lostman, our stories certainly have some similar aspects. My husband signed up for SS and only received it for 8 months, I was going to sign up this year on my birthday and we were going to close our business and retire. Like you, we planned to travel and enjoy life. Now what? Worked hard and saved for nothing.
    You’re right, things fly through your mind cause our lives are upside down and absolutely nothing is the same or feels right. Our minds wonder and come up with things that maybe should be left alone for the time being. But everyone is different in what helps them and how things go. There’s no right or wrong, just right or wrong for yourself. I find this site is full of people who understand what we feel and that feels good. Friends and family try but unless you’ve gone through this nightmare, they can’t understand. I only found this site about a month ago I lost my husband a year ago. I wish I found it long ago. Memories of my husband and our happy life bring me to tears. I miss that life so very much, but they are happy memories, every last one. They just don’t make me smile quite yet. I talk to him every day, tell him I miss him and love him and hope he’s ok now and with our other loved ones who have passed. Makes me feel close to him, I carry his cell phone and wallet everywhere. These are things that help me through the day. You’ll find your things as well.
    Hopefully this site is helping and will continue to help you.
    I feel alone, and I know you do too. But we’re not.
  11. Lostman

    Lostman Member

    Yes indeed your situation is very similar 63 ages and things..I had to have just out of the blue feels·
    Then to top off the pain I'm feeling right now my granddaughter 15 yrs want to move with father and his wife to be. They bought a house. In town so my granddaughter can keep her same school smart kid.
    You know right now my wife was her second mother and me second father so in a way it will be all good
    I'm not sure where I fall into the pieces
    Thanks again for the encouragement
  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Yeah, things aren’t tough enough, but on top of your loss your granddaughter will be moving out eventually. You’re right, this might actually be a good thing for her. It’s seriously poor timing for you, though. I’m sure she’s a comfort for you while your life is in such turmoil. I feel for you. I’m sure she’ll stay an important part of your life. This can’t be easy for her either. Losing her “second” Mom, has to be hard for her and soon moving. That’s a lot for such a young person to deal with.
    This is so hard for those left behind. My husband and I had said we hope we go together and at a very old age. Our spouses were taken way too young. So unfair!
    Keep the Faith!