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Lost the love of my life.

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Lanee, Mar 1, 2017.

  1. Lanee

    Lanee New Member

    I lost the love of my life December 15, 2016. My love had been having some belly pain, that started the day my daughters were in a near fatal car accident. I spent nearly 2 weeks at the hospital with my daughters. When I got back to my boyfriend and realized that the pain he was having was not something that was going away I begged him to be seen. I had gotten my daughter out of the hospital on monday evening and my boyfriend was admitted to same hospital on Wed morning. He had a blood clot leading to the intestines. 3 surgeries in 6 days and after the 3rd he never regained consciousness. They tried everything to get him to stabilize. He went into septic shock after the 3rd surg and we lost him a week and a half later. He had just celebrated his 46th birthday 3 weeks before. We had our lives planned for when our respective children his 3 my 2 were out on their own. We met as kids at 19 when were first in the Navy we went on to have seperate lives and marriages and children. We reconnected after both our 20 year marriages had ended. We had a second chance at life. We were very happy. He was the father figure to my daughters and they are devastated. His children are devastated as well as his family. The loss of my marriage was easy by comparison to this. I keep thinking that this is not how this was supposed to go at all. I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life that thought is terrifying to me. And in thinking this I feel horrible that I even have that thought. Im grateful that I still have my girls, my youngest has surg coming up and she should be on the way to full recovery.
     
    Noel and Gitta like this.
  2. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Lanee,
    I am so unbelievably sorry and saddened to hear about your boyfriend. You have had a lot of heartache to deal with and it all seems quite unfair that your 2nd. chance at happiness was cut short without warning. It makes us question the why's and how's and really shakes our beliefs. I know how you feel.

    I have dealt with multiple losses in the last 15 years and there were times when I really didn't think I would survive. My only daughter 15 years ago, my beloved Dad (who was technically my step-dad) 12 years ago, my Mom last May. I'm also healing from a painful divorce and permanent estrangement from my only sibling and her daughter...my only niece. I never had kids of my own, so at this point in my life I am really alone. I never it envisioned it being this way, and like you.....the thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares and upsets me. It's very, very hard.

    I will keep a good thought that both your daughters will fully recover and be well. Thankfully you have them in your life and perhaps down the road they will bless you with grandchildren and that's also very special. However, there's still you and even though it's great to have family, we all want someone in our lives to cherish and love us. Believe when I tell you that I totally understand and feel your pain.

    I recently turned 63 and although I have accomplished quite a bit in my career and I'm still relatively healthy and young at heart, I feel that the one most important thing that I have failed to do is to find my soulmate. You were fortunate to have found yours, even if you only had him for a brief time. Life is just so unfair.

    It's very easy for people like you and I to constantly throw a "pity party" for ourselves and certainly I mean no disrespect when I say that. It's understandable. But what good does it do? Life is still out there for us to live and as far as I know, we only get one ride. Yes, it's easier said than done and right now I waiver on feeling sorry for myself and also trying to move forward and find some happiness and a better way to live. I am sure you have your OK days and the days that are totally unbearable. Sometimes it seems overwhelming for sure.

    The best advice I can offer is to take one day at a time. Deal with the things that are most important, which right now is your daughters. Then you'll have time for yourself to figure out once again how to feel happiness and to be at peace. It's a tough journey. I know.

    I'm glad you reached out and please do so again, should you want to chat.

    Wishing you strength and comfort~Ellen
     
  3. Gitta

    Gitta Member

    So sorry Lanee, life can be so hard.Thinking of you.
     
  4. LindaU

    LindaU Member

    Dear Lanee, you sound so much like me. I lost my soulmate, the love of my life in 2015 of liver failure. I am having a very hard time dealing with the grief. I feel so alone and lonely. I try not to think about spending the rest of my life alone without my Joe. He was my best friend. We moved about 10 years ago and due to my back problems and Joe's illness, I never made any friends down here. Joe and I were ok just being together. I am now getting out to exercise and to attend grief meetings and grief lunches given by a local hospice. However I am always sad and never think I will ever be truly happy again. I am lucky in that I have two sons from my first marriage, which ended in a divorce. One son lives in Hawaii so I don't see him much and he doesn't keep in touch very well, but my older son quit his job in Colorado and moved in with me because I was lost, scared of being alone and just not doing very well. My sister-in-law also stayed with me for about 8 months. They talked me into seeing a psychologist, who is great and helps me. I so miss the look of love in my husband's eyes, being touched and touching, kissing, talking for hours and just knowing that someone loves you more than anyone in the world. I really feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss. It was so sudden. Keep in touch if you would like to. What state are you in? Linda. Oh, I'm in central Pennsylvania.
     
  5. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Linda:
    I am so very sorry about your husband Joe. I understand how you feel and have been through quite a bit of grief myself. I lost my only daughter 15 years ago, my Mom last May and my beloved Step-Dad 12 years ago-very suddenly. He was really my Dad, being in my life for more than 30 years. I am also trying to heal from a very painful divorce. I was with him for 25 years and married for 20. It ended due to his infidelity of 10 years and although he is still alive, it is very much like a death. It was a 2nd. marriage for us both. During the same time, I became permanently estranged from my only sister and also her daughter-my only niece. So aside from my cat, I am now alone at the age of 63. Not as I had anticipated or planned.

    Although I was not blessed with a soulmate, as you had in Joe, I lost all the people who I cherished in my life. I also helped my Mom heal after my Step-Dad died, so I know the heartbreak you are feeling all too well. Their marriage was one that you don't see too often and it made me believe in true love again. It is wonderful that you have a strong support system in your son and sister-in-law. I also joined bereavement support groups throughout the years and it was very helpful and comforting. And I have been in and out of therapy for at least the last 15 years, and truly it has helped me to get to where I am today.
    It is extremely difficult to start over, make new friends and believe that you will ever enjoy life again. Especially after you have been a couple for so long and your lives revolved around each other. As I said, although I was not as fortunate as you were to have someone like Joe in my life, I did watch and help my Mom pick up her life again. She and my Step-Dad had moved to an Active Adult Community when they retired and she slowly came out of her shell and started to make new friends. She joined a woman's group, played Mah Jong and bridge, took day trips, even went on a few cruises with the singles group. I know how hard it was for her and I know she was never the same after he died, but she gave life a kick in the butt because she knew that if it had been her that had died, he would have found a way to live life again. That's what they wanted for one another and I'm sure that's what Joe would want for you as well. I was so very proud of her. Sadly, she passed away in May of 2015 after surviving lung cancer for 9 years. She died from COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. She was really my best friend and I miss her terribly, as well as my Step-Dad. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them both, as well as my daughter, who passed away at 26 from leukemia. I was married briefly when I was 21 and divorced before I turned 22. He was physically abusive....just once and once was all it took. I found out I was pregnant and I knew that I couldn't be the kind of parent she deserved, so I gave her up for adoption. Because it was an open adoption, I met her when she was 11 years old and it was wonderful. She always would tell me how fortunate she was to have 3 parents. She was diagnosed with leukemia at 16. I gave her one of my kidneys that year because I was a match and she lived another 10 years. The day the three of us buried our daughter, I truly experienced what a shattered heart felt like. I never thought I would survive, but I did. And I felt the same pain when I lost my Mom and Dad, but I'm still here.

    When people say that "time heals all wounds," it really isn't true. What time does is teach you to get used to the pain and learn to live with the hole in your heart. Somehow, that's what we do.
    I know and understand how you feel and I know how hard it is to imagine that the last chapter of your life is going to be without your partner. It will never be as good or the same, but it still can be whatever you want it to be and that's ok. I think we can all find a certain happiness for ourselves and even small joy in each day. I myself was by their side when each of the 3 people I cherished most in life passed away. And each one of them made me promise the very same thing....to be OK and to be happy. Even though I no longer have them in my life, I know that I was loved and they knew it in return. And it's been a struggle, but I've kept my promise for the most part. I am OK and although I'm hardly ecstatic and I'm often lonely, I have found peace in my life and contentment. I think that qualifies as somewhat being happy. When you survive things that you never thought you could, it's truly liberating and empowering.

    I am sure you will get there as well. I think that's what Joe would have wanted.

    Be well and feel free to reach out whenever you like.

    Take good care of yourself~Ellen
     
  6. LindaU

    LindaU Member

    Thank you for writing, Ellen. Your note was very comforting. I had an accident in my car today. Not with anyone, just going up the medial strip and flattening a sign to avoid another car. I wasn't hurt, but my car is bad. This is my second car accident in two weeks. A lady backed up into me, but she said I hit her. The police cited me! So I go to court to plead not guilty. I feel like everything bad has happened to me since Joe died. My house needed so much repair after he died. It cost me a fortune. Now I'm afraid my car insurance will go up. My son says I should take a senior driving course. Maybe I should, I have had trouble concentrating since my love died. Sometimes I don't know if it's worth it to go on. I just want to be with Joe, but my sons need me. My oldest, who is with me is getting a divorce. They don't have anyone but me. I lost my parents, we lost Joe's parents, in one year, we lost both of Joe's parents and my Dad. There is no one left. I'm sorry this post is so down- I've had a hard day. Hopefully someday I will feel like myself instead of always being so sad. I wish I lived closer to you so I could visit with a friend. Linda
     
  7. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Linda,
    Please don't apologize for sounding down. It is totally understandable and really expected.
    However please get that thought out of your head that it's not worth going on. Aside from your sons, who would be lost without you, there is still you and certainly you are worthy of this life. Good or bad.
    Right now you're not totally focused, so perhaps you should limit your driving until you feel better. It will come.
    I remember myself that the only car accident I ever had was about 40 years ago. It was when I found out that my Stepdad had prostate cancer. He did survive that, but I was so distraught that I rear-ended a truck and totaled my car, which was 2 weeks old. I never again hit behind the wheel when I was upset.
    And I also remember that when my Stepdad did die from mesothelioma in 2005, my Mom wanted to give up and climb into the grave with him. She didn't want to live anymore, but I wasn't having any of that. So I was her cheerleader and within a year, she became engaged in living again. It was hard for her, but she had me and I needed her to be around. Just like your sons need you.
    And we are friends. You can talk to me anytime and I'll give you my number if you like. I wished we lived closer also because I could use a friend nearby also.
    But please know you are not alone.
    Get some rest. Will talk soon.

    Hugs- Ellen