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Lost the love of my life on July 28th 2018. I don't know how to cope with this loss.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Julie Brown, Aug 14, 2018.

  1. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Hello, I am new as of today. July 28th 2018 I lost the love of my life. We were married for 25 years, together for 34 years.

    It is so unreal, we went to the dump that morning, returned a borrowed trailer and we stopped at the casino for a very brief amount of time. We walked to the Harley in the parking lot, he said he was going to work and I had some running around to do. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him, he told me he loved me, (he had a smile on his face I will never forget), I turned away and walked to my vehicle and left. Later that day I tried calling him a few times but no answer. It wasn't odd that he didn't answer so I just ignored it and hoped he would be home early so we could go to the races that evening. About 8:00 pm - 8:30 pm a friend of ours pulled in the driveway and I noticed a Sheriff had pulled in before him but was parked on the street. Our friend told me we have to go; the Sheriff asked if I was Mrs. Brown (Julie) I said I was. He said there has been an accident and that Todd (My husband) was in the hospital and he was sorry to tell me he didn't make it. He told me Todd had been swimming and drowned. I told him he was wrong and it wasn't Todd. I asked our friend what was going on and he said we had to get to the hospital. I collapsed, fell to the ground and cried. We got into our friends truck, the Sheriff gave me a number of the medical examiner said they were picking Todds body up and taking him to Everett. I wanted to see my husband, I told the Sheriff I don't even know if it really is my husband. He told me to call the medical examiner so I did. I told them I wanted to see my husband they said I couldn't go to that location and I had to wait until he was in the funeral home. They asked me some questions and later that night 11:30 pm-12:00 am they called me and said they matched finger prints and it was Todd.

    Nothing about this makes any sense to me. I am waiting for the police report. My husband knows how to swim, but hasn't gone swimming in 13 years. The person who was with him changed their story, so I don't know what really happened and I probably never will. Todd was suppose to be at work.

    I am so lost without Todd. He was my everything! We never had children due to it never happened for us, and I am so alone. We moved here from MN 16 years ago. I feel lost, heart broken, mad all at the same time . I lost everything I had that night.

    I am having his memorial on Aug 25th. It's so hard to do this. I just want him back but I know that will never happen. I honestly don't know what to do. My brother and Todd's brother in law and Todd's best friend (all from MN) are driving out next week for the memorial and my neice is flying out.

    I just don't know how to handle this. It's so hard! I went back to work today but I cried all day. I feel I have nothing left. It's like nothing matters anymore. I am just trying to give him the best memorial I can (no life insurance policy, I live paycheck to paycheck the way it is) so I have no choice other than to go with the basic of everything. He deserves better than that.
    Some friends set up a go fund me page and that is helping me cover what I need to for laying my husband to rest.

    I have always be a "fixer" and I can't fix this and it's beating me up inside.

    Has anyone gone through anything like this? How did you or how are you getting through it? How do you get through the day? What was your reason for even getting out of bed?
     
  2. laurin

    laurin Member

    I'm going through it right now. My husband passed away suddenly on July 22. I'm so sorry for your loss. I was with my husband when he passed and I still can't believe it so I can only imagine what you are going through. It has helped me a bit to talk to other people about him. We have been together for 14 years and married for 11 so it's rough to try to think of a life without him.

    I'm getting through it by keeping as busy as possible, but loving him as much as always too. My doctor gave me a small prescription for an anti-depressant and something to help me sleep, both non-addictive. I just try to focus on the next thing I have to do rather than trying to plan out longer spans of time. (This is completely out of the norm for me. I like to plan.) I'm trying to honor my husband with everything I do and live on for both of us since he can't anymore. My husband wouldn't want me to be crying in a ball on the floor all the time (although there have been those moments) so I'm trying to get up and keep going every day.

    Some days are infinitely harder than others, but all of them are hard. Give yourself some grace. We aren't even a month into this yet.
     
  3. Jeff123

    Jeff123 Member

     
  4. Jeff123

    Jeff123 Member

    I am sorry for your loss, I lost my wife in seconds I dont know what to tell you? I live one day at a time!
     
  5. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    I know we are any even a month into it and it feels like forever since I saw him. Every day is a battle for me. I just want to hug him, talk to him 1 more time. I worked last week and I am working today but I have the rest of the week off. I have family arriving starting wednesday.
    I talk about Todd all the time. We always did things together so it's kinda hard not to. Evenings are my hardest. I think because I would come home from work, start dinner and he would be home about an hour or so after me. Now I have no one to cook for. I did finally clean my room this weekend, went through his clothes and some of his belongings and that was really hard. The day he died, I went and bought him some white t shirts because it's so hotvin the summer and he worked construction. Knowing he never even got to see the shirts was hard. I am going to let my brother, his brother in law and best friend go through his shirts and dress clothes to see if they want anything.
    Talking helps but when I am alone, it's so hard.
    I am so sorry for your loss. I thought it was hard when I lost my parents but this is 100 d's harder. Now i know how my mom felt. They were together 53 years. A piece of me died too. I still feel I have lost everything and wonder what the reason for even going on is...but like you said, Todd wouldn't want me to lay around and cry all the time. I have my moments where just out of the blue tears start falling.
    We have a long road ahead, I don't know if it will ever get better, I believe one just learns to cope better with the situation. I can't imagine going on with out todd, but I guess u have no other choice.
    I hope each day gets better for you. This week I am running around finalizing this for Todd's memorial on Saturday.
    This is gonna be very hard. I just hope I will have the strength to get through it. I hope you have the strength to get through th week as
     
  6. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Well. Thank you for reaching out. Keep in touch I don't know you but i worry about you. The next few days will be hectic but I will try and read any messages when I go to bed. My best to you, until we talk again....Julie
     
  7. ED1975

    ED1975 New Member

    HI Julie MY name is Debbie I also lost my husband on June 16b of this year I feel your sadness one step at a time being busy help a lot
     
  8. laurin

    laurin Member

    Thanks Julie. Everything you said about Todd is exactly how I feel about Fredd. I can see that I make people uncomfortable by how much I talk about him, but when I do things seem more manageable somehow. My doctor gave me a small prescription for Lexapro to regulate my mood and Trazodone to help me sleep which has made a HUGE difference in my ability to deal especially at work. Good luck tomorrow at Todd's memorial. Fredd's memorial was 2 weeks ago Saturday. It made things real in a way that I don't think I was ready for. Let me know if ever you want to talk and I'll try to check this more often.
     
  9. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Laurin,
    Sorry I haven't checked more often this week, with family here I have been busy and also busy with the final details before tomorrow.
    I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. It will be so final in a way, but maybe that is what I need. I don't know.
    The same for you, I hope things are going somewhat better for you. I don't know if they get better, I think we just learn to cope better.
    I too will check more often. Thank you for chatting with me. I too feel that people may get tired of me always talking about Todd, but he was my everything. Best to you until we chat again (it probably won't be until Sunday or Monday).
     
  10. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Sorry for your loss Debbie. I have been busy this week, as tomorrow the 25th is Todd's funeral. Today has been a pretty hard one because I think it's all becoming so real now. 8
     
  11. laurin

    laurin Member

    Fredd’s memorial was a really rough day but our daughter and I were surrounded by people who love him which helped. I hope your friends and family cover you in love today. Had Todd given you any indication that he is still around? I don’t know if you believe in that at all. Just interested to see if anyone else has had similar experiences to me. It’s good to talk to someone going through a similar experience.
     
    Louann likes this.
  12. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Actually, yes he has. I went out to the river 4 days after the accident and I bought a rose and went and sat by the river and was talking to him and when there was just a little bit of the rose left, I gave it a kiss and told Todd to give me a sign that's he is at peace and that he is ok. I laid the rose in the river and (I was watching the water and there was nothing in it) and it was just like someone tried to pick up the rose or when a fish fans it's tail in the water close to the top, it was like that by the rose. There was no fish. It was crazy...i believe that was my sign. I don't believe in that kind of stuff but I saw it and now i do.
    Well, have to get ready to go set up for the funeral.
    Thank you for chatting with me, it does help talking to someone who is going through the same thing. What was your experience?
     
  13. laurin

    laurin Member

    He was always obsessed with chasing down flies. Anytime one was in the house he would follow it around the house with 2 fly swatters until he caught and killed it. Now a fly will come up to me and just land on me not buzz around like flies normally do. Last night, for instance, one landed on my shirt while I was putting a sticker of his initials on my car. It sat there through the whole process of getting the sticker on and flew away as soon as I was done. I feel like it’s his way of joking with me even still.
     
  14. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    It probably was. I didn't believe in that until I went to the river 3 days after the accident, now I do believe.
    That is pretty cool. Was he a jokester?
     
  15. laurin

    laurin Member

    Definitely! How did the service go today?
     
  16. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    It was beautiful. Sad but beautiful. All but 1 of his sisters showed up (he has 6 sisters, he was the only boy). A lot of friends. I am pleased on how the day went.
    Thank you for asking.
    How are you doing?
     
    griefic likes this.
  17. laurin

    laurin Member

    Weirdly, I’m doing okay. I miss him terribly but Violet (our 4 year old daughter) and I are making it through each day. I’m starting to feel like myself again. Going back to work has helped plus I started a graduate school program yesterday. I’m just focused on honoring Fredd through all my daily interactions and it seems easier to get through the day. How are you doing?
     
    griefic likes this.
  18. Catherine M

    Catherine M New Member

    Hello my name is Catherine. I lost my Husbsnd on July 25th. He had just started chemo two days before don’t know what happened yet still waiting on the post mortem. He went into hospital at 2pm and passed away at 11pm never regained consciousness. We were together for 30 years no children just the two of us I’m in a huge black hole and just cry most of the time. My prayers go out to you it’s the most awful feeling I think anyone could ever endure.
    I hope your memorial went well for you.
     
  19. Michele Wood

    Michele Wood Well-Known Member

    I have found a somewhat novel way to discuss my loved one: his ex wife. Robert died of sudden cardiac arrest on June 30, 2018, declared brain dead J u ly 4 after their tests and taken to the funeral home after liver, kidneys, skin and other parts were harvested. I found his ex wife's address on a website to let her know Robert had died. I invited her to email me if she wished. She did and we have been corresponding for 6 weeks. Because Robert had a very complex personality, we have had a lot to talk about. I appreciate her because she can talk about him without bitterness. Lisa was with him for 9 years and I 18 years. It may not work for ever y one but it is working for us. I very much look forward to her emails.
     
  20. Julie Brown

    Julie Brown Active Member

    Today was a rough one, it was 1 month ago today that Todd passed away. I miss him so much! The night before last I almost had a panic attack but I got it under control before it got to that point.i don't knowing it was because everyone left for home Sunday or what.i haven't gone back to work yet, I just am not ready for that.