Lost My Wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Jerry63, Mar 26, 2020.

  1. Jerry63

    Jerry63 New Member

    I just lost my wife Feb.29th and the grief is overwealming.the last 2 weeks i just cant seem to get out of this rut.
    At times i feel lost and so alone. I have my 31 year old daughter living with me and she is a help but she also has a life. where I live i dont have any friends here. i just cant figure how to cope sometimes. I try to do things but loose interest fast. Im sorry but sometimes i have a hard time putting things into words. In time i will post more and try to open up more.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. Losing our soul mate is so hard. Our lives turn upside down, and there’s nothing to prepare us for such a loss. I’m sure your brain is in a fog, probably not eating right os sleeping. It feels scary. But all that is normal. You lost your “everything”! I have a hard time remembering that first couple months at all. I recall my son begging me before he left to go back home, Mom, promise you’ll get out of the house at least once each day. I said I would, I don’t recall the first couple weeks , but I know I tried and I did get out. I believe it helped me, he gave me good advice. He was 31 like your daughter, but he’s lives in Florida. My daughter 35, lives close to me and stayed at the house with me for months. She worked from my house, she was and still is my best support. We help each other. I didn’t feel I was thinking clear enough to drive so she drove me everywhere we decided to go.

    And now during this Coronavirus outbreak, we’re still supporting each other. So with this virus and quarantine in place, you can’t go out, but you can go outside in your back yard, breath some fresh air, many times that was my, out of the house place. Your journey is just beginning, don’t expect to much of yourself, just try to get yourself through this moment, then the next. Everything you mention is normal, we all feel that same brain fog. My soulmate passed suddenly 16 moths ago, I lost the love of my life in 2 hours. My life is nothing like it used to be, but I can have memories of our happy life and sometimes actually smile. I get myself through each day and then say, ok I got through today, now try to sleep and deal with tomorrow.

    You mention not having friends there, but possibly a neighbor or coworker will offer support, maybe ask them to sit and have a cup of coffee, believe me that’s a wonderful support. Let the tears happen, they’re helpful, I still cry multiple times a day. Right now during this pandemic and quarantine I’m crying more, I need Ron’s love and support and feel so alone.

    This site has been such a wonderful support to me, I didn’t find it till I was 11 months in, wish I found it much sooner. Knowing everyone here understands what we’re going through feels like a safe place a comforting place. Reading other people’s stories and telling your own is very helpful. I believe you’ll receive great support from this community of people and will be of help to you.
    Take care, don’t push yourself, just a moment at a time.
    Thoughts are with you and your daughter, Robin
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  3. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jerry,

    RLC said it so well. She is a gem for insight for others.

    The loss of the one we shared our life with is so hard to face. I too lost my wife who was my life, along with the two sons she blessed me with in life.

    It took me a long time to be able to face the loss. I have spent so many hours alone with my thoughts. Those moments were the times I relived my life with Nadine.

    I watched all our home movies, paged through all the albums, and slide carousels. Sure I had many tears, many sad moments, but, and this is important, I also had many happy moments that were remembered by viewing all of those times.

    Whenever I had the chance I talked to whoever would listen, and I didn’t stop. I had this urge inside me, I needed to tell others who she was, why I loved her, and so I just kept opening up whenever and wherever. Today I will tell you I feel so much better inside for doing that, perhaps it was my Nadine pushing me to do so.

    Over the course of the last five years since Nadine’s death, I have talked to therapists, priests, others who have lost the one they loved so dearly, and I just know, while it took an effort, the effort was so worth it.

    So Jerry, please don’t ever give up. Your loss will take time to recover from, just have faith in yourself. Peace be with you.

    -david

    I hope you find this song soothing for you

     
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  4. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Chris Daughtry ‘s soothing voice just caresses that lovely lyric and David, you always seem to choose the right song.
    David and Robin both gave you wonderful advice (as they have to me in the past). Keep reaching out and talking about your loss. I find music to be a solace. Remember the little things that built your love story. Here’s a partial lyric that may bring up warm memories.
    “Blow me a kiss from across the room, say I look nice when I’m not, Touch my hair as you pass my chair, Little
    things mean a lot”
    This is from a song recorded by Kitty Kallen in 1953, words and music by Edith Lindeman and Carl Stutz.
    Little memories DO mean a lot. Every time you recall those small memories she’s right there with you.
    Bill
     
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  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Songs from the past, I remember laying on the Livingroom carpet, my parents watching all the old shows, and the wonderful music that we heard.

     
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  6. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Some of the most beautiful lyrics ever written were from the early 30’s, through the 40’s, and the early 50’s.
    Listening to Kitty sing that song on the old Perry Como Show opened up my tear-gates. Sweet memories. I think l just saw my Sweet Janet.
    Thank you David
     
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  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you, David and Bill, I hope that something I’ve written helps someone even if just a little bit. It gives me peace that I may have helped someone along their journey. I know I had many days that I felt so alone and hurting and just could have used a positive word or two but that didn’t happen. Now I’m on this site, I don’t feel quite so alone and I’m not judged. Both of you have helped me a lot. Strange how no one on this site knows each other yet we’re a family of sorts helping each other. It’s a beautiful thing.
    When I see a new member, I don’t want them to feel no one on here cares. Having someone care is a huge support. I hope I provide that to some or one. Maybe its selfish but posting to members is a huge help to me.
    Better days ahead for us all.
    Jerry, we’re thinking of you and please keep posting or reading, I believe it will help you.
    Robin
     
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  8. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

     
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  9. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Hi Jerry
    Here is something that my Hospice Grief Counselor gave me that was written by actor, and former Broadway dancer, Christopher Walken.
    “Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just have to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them.
    However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.
    The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”
     
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  10. Jerry63

    Jerry63 New Member

    well since my wife is gone i feel lost and alone even though i do have some support.i know I will get over it but its going to take a long while. I got to start looking for things to do to keep me occupied
     
    David Hughes likes this.
  11. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Loneliness and boredom are two of the things you have to go through. They both suck. When my wife died last October 18 I, like you,,was devastated and didn’t know what to do, so I sent Janet (my late wife) a text. I have texted her at least twice a day ever since. My Hospice Grief Counselor suggested I explore writing. I am now working on being a songwriter .
    It certainly occupies my time..
    I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so very difficult to just get through the day. Keep reaching out to the people on this site who truly know what you are going through.
    Best to you and your friends and family.
    Bill
     
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  12. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    Jerry,

    Please don't think you need to rush your grief. As you think of the one you now miss, life has a way to reminding us all of so many wonderful memories of the past.

    You can find so many things with your internet access, like videos on every subject imaginable. The internet is great, if you just type in a few words you would be fed with a wealth of related information. Music, all you need do is type a subject, or a few words from a song you can't remember the name and usually it will find it.

    Tokens, or keepsakes are also helpful in bringing back memories. As Bill has said, this loneliness and boredom can be very hard to overcome. Just think about your life, and what holds your interest, sure you may not be able to go a lot a places or none if you are in a shelter in place, but how many times as you grew up were you stuck inside and had to find something to hold your interest. That is no different for an adult of today.

    Keep talking, and read the forums, eventually you grief will be easier to handle day by day. Take care for now, and peace be with you.
     
  13. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    We all know that feeling all to well. I’ll say it like it is, it sucks!, plane and simple. Give yourself time, this is a process for sure. Being stuck in the House sure doesn’t help. I’m feeling worse during this confinement, so many more tears, and your loss is so recent and this is added on top of the already fractured life you’re trying to manage. Like David mentioned, try using the internet it can be so helpful. I think back to when my Dad passed, I wonder how did my Mom keep going, I know she had a very difficult time and I was with her a lot, which she said helped. But there was no internet. I have no idea how I’d get along without the internet. I research things all the time, I have mindless games and word games on my iPad to occupy my thoughts. It does help. I still have a difficult time getting motivated, I’m at my best when I’m outside working in the yard. My daughter bought me knitting looms, I used to love things like that, I made gifts for people all the time. The looms still sit waiting for my motivation to wake up. I’m confident it will happen one day. Time will tell
    I know the feeling, of alone even if you’re in a room with. Any people, your soul mate isn’t there with you. Maybe not in person but they’ll always be with you, through memories and in your heart to stay.
    Wishing you a better day! Robin.
     
  14. NYCBASSIST55

    NYCBASSIST55 Member

    I wanted to share with this group but I wasn’t sure what emotions I was feeling.

    Colleen died suddenly last August. I went back to work a few weeks later at a school for talented and gifted students - Stuyvesant High School. It was a wise decision. There was so much I needed to do there that my teaching distracted me from what I was really feeling.

    Due to the corona virus outbreak, schools are on a lockdown. Although we have online teaching, my entire life is in the apartment where she became very sick. I try to fill in the void- with practicing the double bass, grading student work, watching television, sleeping a lot. Nothing masks the fact that she is gone and this enormous void remains. I used to be interested in many things. Nothing is interesting now.

    I edit photos and recordings we made and I feel connected to her somewhat. Mostly, I just watch the day pass by. I started going back to church and that was a good thing. Now that churches are closed the pain has deepened.

    How are other people surviving the loss of a spouse in the isolation caused by the health crisis?
     
  15. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    For me, I’m not surviving, I’m existing. I’m like you as far as day-to-day a
    activities go. I know that I could very easily become a recluse the way the world is today. I ask my Janet what to do,and she says don’t drop out, find something to keep you busy. With me, it’s been writing and working on music.
    I always consult with my late wife first.
    What would she want me to do. I always respected her opinions before she passed why, would I stop now?
    You’re an educated, talented, intelligent man, I’m sure that you can find something to occupy your mind. What would Coleen want you to do? Ask her, she will find a way to respond.
    God bless you.
    Bill
     
  16. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member

    NYCBASSIST,

    Being isolated after the loss of Colleen has to be maddening. Not being able to share your loss with your students has to be terrible.

    Keeping yourself busy is excellent. You need to also find a way to bring out your emotions. Talk with family, friends and complete strangers. The more you are able to open up the easier it is to lessen the pain you hold inside you.

    Playing your music is a great way to find some solace. Doing other things, like watching television keeps your mind busy, but if you channel your watching to some things that are specific to your loss of Colleen it should help a lot.

    For me, I turned to YouTube.com and started watching happy videos of animal rescues and people saving others in the world. I felt better inside seeing others help those in need. Then believe I watched hundreds of wedding proposal videos. I just felt happy seeing them starting their journey like Nadine and I had long ago.

    Then I turned myself to music. At first it was just violin music, all types, then it was street performers playing violin. I was amazed by one little girl who had the courage to play for others. As time passed I watched her audience grow over time. I marvelled at how many happy faces I saw. She was a brave young girl. She brought happiness to others, it was truly an amazing sight and one that also brought great joy to myself.

    So I started a collection of sorts making playlists, then I jumped to singers, and artists who played other instruments as well. I had found something that made me happy.

    This is my small collection thus far, I still add to it daily. Anything there is free to play.

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor


    So I found a way to help me not feel so broken inside anymore. I also looked at all my photos, home movies, and Kodak carousels. All of the above efforts brought my wife back into my life.

    This was my way to cope. I hope you will keep talking and sharing, it helps not just you but others as well. Please never surrender to despair. May you have a peaceful time forward.

    -david

    This is another melody I found for you.


     
  17. NYCBASSIST55

    NYCBASSIST55 Member

    Thank you very much for your help. I appreciate your ideas. I am going to ask Colleen for help. I feel terrible
     
  18. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    You have every right to feel terrible. What you are going through is hell here on earth. And this pandemic is throwing more fuel to the fire. We have lost what most of us feel are our soulmates. Nothing can fill that void. We just have adapt to a new set of rules. We must replace the old world of us and we, with a new environment of me and mine, and that is a very difficult task. Yours and Colleen’s shared love of music would be an excellent starting point.
    I’m praying for you.
    Tell Colleen Hi from me. From your description, she sounds like she has (HAS) a great sense of humor. Build on that. God bless you.

    Bill
     
  19. NYCBASSIST55

    NYCBASSIST55 Member

    She does have a great sense of humor. More audacious than mine. She’d like my attempts at whimsy. It was nice having someone who really thought you mattered. Sometimes it feels so cold in a world without her.

    I was listening to a song by one of my favorite singer songwriters- he has been for 50 years. Now I know that Randy Newman’s songs are not to everyones liking but he has a talent for not only being acerbic but being able to emotional and empathetic without ever being cloying.

    His song “Lost Without You” from his latest album is about a man who just lost his wife. Here is a YouTube link if you want to listen to it.

     
  20. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    Here is the words for you

    ARK Ministries 2 years ago

    Even if I knew which way the wind was blowing
    Even if I knew this road would lead me home
    Even if I knew for once where I was going
    I'm lost out here without you

    Rocking the baby by that window there
    Planting tomatoes in the yard
    Naked by the mirror putting up your hair
    Baby, it's hard

    When the kids came to see you for the last time
    I told them not to bring the children
    The husbands, or the wife
    I said, "Just the blood this time. Just the blood."
    They asked to be alone with you
    So I left them alone, but I didn't go far

    They said, "Has he been drinking again?
    He stumbled at the door
    He can't take care of himself, Mama
    We can't do this anymore."

    You said, "Hush up, children
    Let me breathe
    I've been listening to you all your life
    Are they hungry, are they sick?
    What is it they need?
    Now it's your turn to listen to me

    "I was young when we met
    And afraid of the world
    Now it's he who's afraid
    And I'm leaving

    "Make sure he sleeps in his bed at night
    Don't let him sleep in that chair
    If he holds out his hand to you, hold it tight
    If that makes you uncomfortable
    Or if it embarrasses you
    I don't care.

    "Even if I knew which way the wind was blowing
    Even if I knew this road would lead me home
    Even if I knew for once where I was going
    I'm lost out here
    Baby, I'm lost out here
    I'm lost out here without you